The News According to Sami

Shawn brings Jan home. OMG, has this guy ever turned into a moron. This must be what happens to you if you stay married to dumb Belle.

Belle is very upset by Shawn's behavior. I know how to improve her mood. I have a cute photo of Shawn with Willow Stark that I can send her.

Possessed Allie runs amok in Salem. Don't blame me, blame bad twin Eric. As a priest, he's supposed to sniff out possessed persons and then perform exorcisms, not spend his time mixing drinks

Eric is helping out at the Pub. What's he thinking? Hasn't he heard that there's a priest shortage? He should be performing baptisms or hearing confessions, not doing busy work at Daddy's Pub.

Mayor Abe takes up with Paulina. This doesn't surprise me. Abe Carver is as bad at handling his personal life as he is running the city.

Lani is distraught because Eli is still in a coma. Oh, boo-hoo. Doesn't stoopid Lani know that Salemites always come out of comas, better than ever. Look at life-ruiner John Black. He's been in dozens of comas and sadly is as healthy as ever.

Dr. Trippy romances Chanel. This kid may have a M.D. degree, but he's got no common sense, which is actually no surprise. After all, he's Steve Johnson's son.
 
Craig flees Salem after learning that grifter Leo was already married to a drag queen. And this guy is a doctor? God help his poor patients.

Sarah rips into Xander because of the Baby Mickey switch. This one is going nuts over yesterday's news. And she's a doctor too? Sick people in Salem should seek medical care in Chicago.

Belle seems to be getting closer to EJ. My stoopid sister better keep her hooks out of my smoochy-moochy. Of course, I really can't blame her. My handsome EJ is better in every way than her clueless, dimwitted husband.

Eric's efforts to defeat Satan weren't anything special. This is so typical of the Bad Twin. He just can't do anything right.

John's efforts to battle Satan with holy water were a failure. No surprise here. The life-ruiner has been in so many comas that he probably can't find his way home without help.

Ghost Bo brings Dr. Trippy back to life. Bo really is multi-talented. There was never a building in Salem that he couldn't break into, and now he's raising the dead without using Rolf's potions. I always thought that he was too good for old Granny Hope.

Allie is free of the Devil. Big deal, she's still an airhead. This kid will never amount to anything until she starts listening to her wise mother.

Lani shoots TR Coates. This foolish woman never could get her priorities straight. He helps the monster who once tormented Mom escape, but now she shoots some dazed and confused, unarmed petty criminal who used Abe's hard head for batting practice. My Rafe should get her off the police force ASAP.
 
Sami may have blown town, but she's keeping her eye on things in Salem.

Lucas may not have murdered Abigail after all: No surprise here. I never thought he killed anybody, but I hope that stoopid Trask isn't so busy with the murder case that she forgets to prosecute Lucas for kidnapping ME.

Xander-Sarah wedding is off: My poor son, Xander, he should have known not to get involved with a member of the wretched Horton family. Look what happened to me when I broke down and agreed to marry the treacherous Lucas Horton.

Johnny is again pursuing Chanel: My poor, foolish son can really pick 'em. EJ had better step in and save our son from the mistake of a lifetime.

Rafe hires Jada Hunter as a detective practically on the spot: When will my Rafe learn? Hasn't he heard about background checks and interviews?

Lucas steals a whole bottle of liquor from the Pub: Without me around, poor Daddy can't do anything right. Hasn't he ever heard of using bartenders? And is Pub business so good that he can afford to have people stealing his liquor inventory?

Sonny's shirt: Clearly, being married to my Will has done nothing for that Kiriakis kid's taste in clothes. He's so clueless that he'd probably wear jeans and a t-shirt to a formal affair at the Salem Country Club.
 
Shawn's baby turns out to be a folded blanket. Isn't that so typical of Mr. Stoopid. He gets all worked up about a kid that might not be his, only for it to really be a folded blanket.

EJ invites Ava to live in the DiMansion. Those two deserve each other, but pity poor Harold who will now have to wait on a tacky crime queen.

Jake is shot and killed. Oh, boohoo. What are the Las Vegas odds that he'll be brought back to life like so many DiMeras before him?

The search for Abby's killer continues. If I wanted to be unkind, I'd ask what all the fuss was over the hussy who induced my EJ to cheat on me.

Orpheus and his son return to Salem after being pardoned. That governor is more than stoopid, but if this gives life-ruiner John Black some heartburn, it isn't all bad.

Chanel chooses Allie over Johnny. My Johnny is luckier than he knows, but this makes Allie the biggest loser.

Rafe is still married to Nicole. My poor Rafe, he can really pick a lemon in the garden of love. That said, I'm surprised that the trampy babyswitcher hasn't cheated on him yet with Bad Twin Eric.
 
Orpheus kidnaps Doc and Sweetness. OMG, not again. This is all stoopid John Black's fault. If he and his patchy friend and taken out the Big O when he first arrived, this never would have happened.

Ava and EJ are on the outs. No surprise here. Without me to take off his rough edges, EJ is a social boor who would alienate any woman in a Salem second.

Stephanie Johnson returns. Is that brat back? I thought she'd flown away on Touch the Sky Airlines.

Lucas plans to plead guilty to the kidnapping. Somebody has hit poor Lucas with the stupid stick. Sure, he kidnapped me, which was a crime, but no person worth his/her salt ever pleads guilty to anything in Salem.

Alex parades around shirtless and engages in tacky behavior. Somebody should tell this poor fool that when it comes to shirtlessness, nobody can top my fine son, Xander. (Yes, he is my son).

Gwen is the latest suspect in the Abigial murder. No way. She's too obvious. Take it from me, the real culprit is that insufferable Li Shin. He knew that the death of Abigail would reduce Chad to a quivering blob of Jello and take him right out of the DiMera leadership sweepstakes.

Jan Spears snatches Baby Folded Blanket from Evan. What a doodyhead, fighting over a folded blanket. No wonder she did time in Bayview.

Rolf brings Stefan Zero back to life. What a waste of time and energy. What is this guy coming back to -- awful Gabi as his true love and the unspeakable Vivian for a mother? This is a fate worse than death.
 
Last edited:
Sonny is stabbed. Too bad about Sonny, I guess, but the truth is that he's not good enough for my Will and my son, Xander, should be Titan CEO.

Nicole is obsessed with Eric. Pity my poor Rafe married to that faithless tramp. As for the clueless Bad Twin, he ought to straighten out Nicole before she makes a total fool of her trashy self.

Johnny stays on close terms with Ava. My son needs to remember if he needs a mother figure in his life, I'm it.

EJ's plans all fail dismally. Poor Smoochy-Moochy. Without me to guide him, he's falling on his butt. He'd better quit plotting lest he end up sleeping in the park.

John saves Marlena from Orpheus's bomb. If that life-ruining, pathetic faux hero had had the good sense to call my Rafe's cops, there would have been no close calls for poor Mom and Kayla and the Big Zero-Brains Doodyhead would be in jail.

Rolf is harassed by Li Shin, Kristen, and Orpheus. Rolf should get out of the mad science business. Without kindly old Stefano's protection, he's at the mercy of every sociopath in Salem.

Xander marries Sarah. That Sarah is lucky to have my fine son. She's not really good enough for him, but the pickings among Salem women these days is rather slim.

Roman reconciles with Kate. Ordinarily, I'd usually gag over Daddy being with this old hag, but he really needs a women's touch. I've heard that he's been getting awfully touchy and judgmental lately.
 
DrBakerFan said:
Xander marries Sarah. That Sarah is lucky to have my fine son. She's not really good enough for him, but the pickings among Salem women these days is rather slim.
Click to expand...
Reply from Lucas: Uhhhh, Sami, Xander isn't [cut off]

Reply from Will: Let it go, dad. It's not worth the hassle. At least she's quit telling people that Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Kendall, Kylie and Krobert are her kids.
 
BREAKING NEWS: The Queen has died. [I am here to refute this, because **I**, Samantha Gene Brady Reed Kelly Walker Curtis Carver Black Deveraux Kiriakis Roberts Grant Lockhart Alamain Jonas Johnson Crumb Banks Von Leuschner Donovan Wesley Williams Cook Kositchek Evans Horton Hernandez DiMera Kardashian Obama Kennedy Osmond Huxtable Ewing am very much alive and am still truly radiant.]

Reply from Lucas: Uhhhh, Sami, they're referring to Elizabeth, the Queen of England. Also, you were not married to most of those last names.
 
Roman reconciles with Kate: Poor Daddy, he must be getting senile. It's the only explanation for him getting back with that hideous old hag.

Xander marries Sarah. It's good to see my son, Xander, settling down at last, but he really could have done better than that loudmouth Sarah. I really hate loud, squawking women, don't you?

Jenny runs down Gwen. People used to get all over me for imagined offenses, but one thing is certain -- I never ran anybody down. I'm a great driver.

EJ's lots to take control of DiMera Enterprises fail. My old smoochy-moochy was never worth a darn without me to guide him. If I was there to help EJ, Gabi would now be applying for relief.

EJ shoots Clyde. It's good to see smoochy-moochy playing the hero for a change. How he pulled this off without my help is a major mystery.

Nancy's romance with Clyde crashes and burns. It's not surprising. That annoying woman never had any taste in men. It wouldn't surprise me if she now ran back to her gay husband.

Will leaves Salem to pursue his career interests. Thank goodness that my boy is now looking out for himself instead of pandering to that little nobody, Sonny. He was never good enough for my son.

Orpheus poisons Kate, Kayla, and Marlena. This is all doodyheaded John Black's fault. If the brainless life-ruiner had taken out Orpheus when he had the chance in the past, none of this would be happening.
 
Eric is now sleeping with Jada. Has the stoopid Bad Twin forgotten that when he was a priest he used to stress to the teenagers that sex outside of marriage is a serious sin?

Nicole agrees to Alex's request to do a photo shoot with Eric. This is so typical of the babyswitching tramp. She just can't say no to men. My Rafe deserves so much better when it comes to a spouse.

Marlena, Kayla, and Kate are cured of Orpheus disease. That's great news about Mom and Kayla. About old Granny Kate -- not so much

Victor dumps all over Xander. Why isn't that Maggie Horton sticking up for my boy, Xander? If she doesn't straighten out her grouchy, old husband, he'll be in major trouble with me.

EJ wins back the DiMera CEO job. Nice win for smoochy-moochy, but without me to keep him in line, he'll probably take things too far and ruin everything.

Allie joins in a threesome with Chanel and Alex. Oh, good grief. I brought her up better than that. She must take after her father the kidnapper.

Johnny gets friendly with Ava. This is not good news. Johnny is just a foolish young man who could easily be taken advantage of by a shameless cougar. Remember JJ Deveraux and that awful Eve Donovan?]

Stefan Zero comes back to life. Good grief, another resurrection. Sometimes it's hard to keep track of which DiMeras are alive and which ones are dead.
 
Eric is arrested: How low can the Bad Twin go — getting drunk and punching smoochy-moochy? What a loser!

Eric thinks Belle is a great lawyer. Yeah right. Just like John Black isn’t a lifer-ruiner.

Paulina is arrested. Pity the other inmates. With that loudmouth in a cell nobody will get any sleep.

Susan may be dead. Don’t bet on it. Susan is tough, tough, tough.

Nicole accepts EJ’s offer to move into the DiMansion with Holly. Smoochy-moochy is too nice. The babyswitcher deserves to be living under a bush.

Nobody will hire Xander and Leo. Salem employers are so stooopid. Both of my fine sons would be great hires.

Johnny visits Indonesia. I like that. Why couldn’t he have visited me instead?

Sloan persecutes Chanel. This slimy sleaze is truly bad news. If she’s still in town when I visit Salem, she’ll be getting the full Sami treatment. Believe me, she’ll be lucky to survive.
 
Eric aids Brady’s kidnap plot: OMG, the Bad Twin isn’t just a dorky doofus, he’s also a criminal.

Eric repeatedly sleeps with Sloan. Good grief, now the failed priest is wallowing in serious sin.

Rafe’s marriage to Nicole crashes and burns. Thank God. The thought of my Rafe married to that trashy tramp constantly made me ill.

EJ gets cozy with Nicole. What’s wrong with smoochy-moochy? Has he already forgotten the Sydnapping?

Will objects to Sonny helping Leo. My Will should lighten up. This is the first good thing stoopid Justin’s son has ever done.

Xander is harassed about his possible role in the Mr. Clown affair. Anyone who pesters my fine son will be getting the full Sami Brady treatment especially super stoopid jailbird Bonnie.

Gabi’s wedding turns into a fiasco. My poor Rafe. Everyone in his family is a real problem person.

Ava goes to Bayview. It’s about time. Now when will they also admit that horrid hag, Kate?
 
Eric points a gun at Kristen: OMG, how many times did our parents warn the Bad Twin not to play with guns?

Eric starts an affair with shyster Sloan: He should have stayed a priest. My stoopid brother has no taste in women. In fact, I’m surprised he hasn’t taken up with Kate or Kristen.

Marlena is seriously ill. I’m not worried. Miracle cures abound in Salem. Heck, there are even cures for death.

Kate dies. Oh boo-hoo. Sadly, like most deceased Salemites, she’ll be back. In fact, didn’t the old hag once crawl out of her grave?

Brady kicks out Kristen: Oh joy. I hope this creature ends up living under a bush.

Rafe divorces Nicole, Thank God my Rafe is free of the trashy tramp. Next time, he should let his mother pick him a wife. After all, mothers know best. I’m living proof of that.

Johnny plays detective in the Stefan brainwashing case. My fine son means well, but he should give up this charade. Just because he used to wear a FBI jacket doesn’t mean he can solve crimes.

Stefan spurns Gabi’s pleas for a reunion. This is good news. As police commissioner, the last thing my Rafe needs is DiMera in-laws.
 
Eric uses Sloan’s conflict of interest to win Rolf’s cooperation. Is the Bad Twin using Prevagen to keep his mind sharp? The Eric I know couldn’t learn the rules for “Go Fish.”

EJ hits the sheets with Nicole. Pickings must be mighty slim for smoochy-moochy to stoop this low.

Nick Fallon is working for the Devil. No way. Satan doesn’t employ major dorks.

Brady kidnaps Zero. Not the best move, but what can you expect from a guy who’s hot for dopey diva Chloe.

Xander appears to take the Spectator from Jack. That’s my boy. He’ll do a much better job than clueless Jack and sleeveless Jenny.

Johnny finds the incriminating vial. Another coup for one of my wonderful children. Reading his sister’s Nancy Drew books has paid off.

Allie leaves for New Zealand. Thank goodness she’s through with that awful Chanel, but did she have to go to a country that has more sheep than people?
 
Last edited:
Sloan’s case is dismissed. Of course it was. Everyone who gets too close to the pathetic Bad Twin turns into a loser.

Kate tries to talk Bo out of shooting her. My money is on the old hag. She can easily outwit the likes of Bo Brady.

Megan holds Kate and Kayla captive. What I’ll do to this horrible specimen will make any revenge taken by loser John and Patch Johnson look like small change,

Charges against Eric and Brady are dropped. Brady is so dumb that he deserves mercy, but they should have thrown the book at the devious Bad Twin. Some Man of God he turned out to be.

EJ and Nicole plot against Stefan. The zombie DiMera is doomed. Nicole may be a trampy baby switcher, but she’s a pretty good schemer.

Hope returns. Did the old granny get tired of life in her assisted-living facility?
 
Harris is boring everyone to death. Let’s get this straight — this boring dope, Harris, is NOT my son.

Shawn shoots his father, Bo. This is amazing. Faux cop, Shawn, couldn’t hit a pink elephant at close range.

Xander takes up with Chloe. That diva is one lucky woman — moving up from clueless Brady to my fine, handsome son.

Kate is chopping fish on a boat. It took quite some time, but the old hag has finally found her life’s work.

Hope sits by Bo’s bedside waiting for his coma to end. This will keep the old granny busy. Salem comas can last forever. Just ask life-ruiner John Black, the coma king.

Eric is still with Sloan: That’s the Bad Twin all the way — he’s formed a lasting relationship with the most hated woman in Salem.

Sweet Bits closes. This is good news. What kind of bakery puts its goods on an outdoor table where the ants and flies can crawl all over them?

Rafe locks up Megan and Thomas Banks. My Rafe, the best cop, is really taking care of business.
 
EJ proposes to Nicole: I knew EJ was messed up when he cut ties with me, but now it’s clear he’s really lost it.

Colin and Talia go off the roof: I can think of a few more people in Salem who should go off a roof.

Abe is unconscious: He’s such a stiff, how can they tell?

Kate is freed: Too bad. It seems good news never lasts.

There is a new DiMera, Megan’s thug son: DiMeras are like crabgrass. New specimens are always popping up in odd places.

Sloan keeps talking lawsuits. I wonder if she’d file a suit for me against John Black for ruining my life.

Zero and Gabi plot against EJ: They’re wasting their time. Anyone who can survive being Stefano’s number one son can easily outlast those two doodyheads.
 
A paternity test rules out Eric as the father of Sloan’s baby: Don’t count the Bad Twin out. Any test done at University Hospital is suspect.

EJ is thrilled to have a new child. Why? It’s not like this lazy do-nothing dad ever did anything to help raise the children who he had with me. Just ask Sydney what a non-presence he was.

Harris decides to move to Salem. OMG, Salem does not need another total bore. It already has the Bad Twin.

Megan plans to rule the world. What a non-starter. Salemites will eat this wretched old hag alive before she can even get started.

Nicole having another who's-the-daddy mystery. This is so typical of the feckless babyswitcher and biggest loser. You'd think by now she'd have developed some common sense.

Rafe arrests Colin Bedford: That's my Rafe, always getting the job done. It's just too bad that he's saddled with dumb Belle's hopeless husband, fake cop Shawn.

Chloe moves in with Xander. This is the best move the diva has ever made. My fine son, Xander, is quite the catch.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top