The News According to Sami

Allie returns and wants to give her child to Nicole. How did I ever end up with such an ungrateful and misguided daughter? All I ever wanted was the best for little Baby Boy Horton. And what kind of mother wants her child to be raised by a baby-switching, Sydnapping, Deimos-killing loser like Nicole Walker? Finally, calling my beloved smoochy-moochy "my own personal English patient" was just cruel.

Eric leaves for Africa. This is so typical of the stoopid Bad Twin. He just gets married and now he's leaving his wife and child to play the hero overseas. I hope that he gets some tropical disease. He deserves it.

Melinda wants to nail Kristen. Finally, there's some justice in this town. Mom deserves to see Kristen sent to the big house after all the rotten things that she's done to her.

Ciara vanishes. I'd feel sorry for old Granny Hope, but she still hasn't had the common decency to return those Barron's earrings that the kid extorted from me.

John Black is acting oddly. Really? How can they tell? John Black has had a screw loose as long as he's been in Salem. Hey, who does the nasty with another man's wife on top of a conference table? In a way none of this is surprising. His father was the completely deranged weirdo, Yo-Daddy.
 
Reply from Roman: Damn it, Sami!

Reply from Marlena: Sami, dear, we need to have a little talk, NOW.

Reply from John: Samantha Gene, you are a rotten little conniving &%#$@ and you should've died when they executed you! I wish I had a cactus to throw at your stoopid head!
 
Everyone assumes that Ciara is dead. What a bunch of doodyheads. Everyone knows that in Salem if there's no body you can't assume somebody died -- and maybe not even then.

Ben wants to kill Vincent. If he can get away with it, I say go for it. Salem would be a lot better place if assorted losers and doodyheads had been eliminated over the years.

Everyone believes Allie, not Tripp. What is wrong with these people? Allie is a more than a bit dazed and confused. After all, she's been running around saying that I'm a bad mother! Me! That's crazy talk!

Orpheus is back to torment Marlena. This is all life-ruiner John Black's fault. If that cheapskate would bother to move into a building with decent security, stoopid Orpheus could never get near Mom.

Kristen appears headed for jail. Break out the champagne. And after that, they should send brainless Brady Black straight to Bayview. Anyone who thought they were in love with the vile, creepy Kristen has more than a few screws loose.

Bonnie gets a big payout for her book. This is nonsense of course, but it's a big plus for me. If people will actually pay good money to read something by stoopid, boring Bonnie, imagine the fortune they'd pay for a tell-all book by me!
 
The Baby HLH paternity controversy. On second thought, why would anyone doubt what my daughter says? After all, she was brought up by me -- Salem's best mother.

Ben's quest to kill Vincent. Good luck to my fine son, Ben, in his crusade to kill the monster. I'd suggest he tossing the pervert into the Salem River. That way there won't be any evidence. Nobody would have known about what we did to Nick Fallon if that Brit twit, Percy, hadn't interfered.

Hope leaves Salem to find Ciara. Old Granny Hope should stay in her Rascal scooter and leave searching to the professionals -- she certainly isn't one. As everyone knows, she never has a clue.

Kristen actually goes to jail. Break out the champagne. That monster tormented Mom for decades. I never thought I'd say this, but "Thank you, Melinda."

Abigail hires Gwen to be a nanny. OMG, not only is that Abigail a manstealing tramp, she's also a terrible mother. Who would hire some sketchy, trashy creature to watch over their children?. She might as well hand them over to that harridan, Kate.
 
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Abigail is distraught over Jack's night with Kate. Somebody should remind this tramp that what goes around comes around. Since she induced my smoochy-moochy to cheat, she richly deserves the news about her straying daddy.

Jenny is furious over Jack sleeping with Kate. Jen-Jen should climb off her high horse. The fact that her trashy daughter showered and slept with my EJ didn't seem to faze her one bit. It would serve her right if she next finds out that her husband was doing the nasty with creepy Kristen, old Granny Hope, and babyswitching Nicole. (In fact any one of these would be a step up in the luv department from dreary, boring Jenny.)

Gwen is plotting against Abigail. This Gwen doesn't seem very smart. A basic rule of Salem schemes is that you only plot against the people who are worth the effort. Messing with the trashy tramp isn't worth anyone's time.

John's rage at Tripp over Allie's alleged rape. Oh boo-hoo. The coma king didn't bat an eye about ruining my life, but steam is coming out of his ears over an event that could be a figment of boozy Allie's imagination. I know my daughter. She's quite capable of claiming with a straight face that the Town Square is full of dinosaurs or that Neanderthal men have overrun the Pub hoping to order EJ chow and garbage-can nachos.
 
John attacks Jan Spears. OMG, he's at it again. He ruined my life and now he'd doing his best to torment another innocent women. When will somebody put a stop to the John Black menace?

Belle's wedding to Shawn is ruined. Sure, this Jan creature sounds a bit off-center, but Shawn should give thanks that he didn't tie the knot with stoopid Belle. She's the female version of John Black -- a life-ruiner. Anyone who doubts this should take a look at her loony-tunes daughter. (If I'd raised this kid, she'd be a Harvard graduate and a Rhodes Scholar.)

Kate sleeps with Jake at the repair shop. How low can old Granny Kate go? Next, we'll learn that she's gotten cozy with some guy in the cab of a Salem Sanitation Department truck.

Allie sticks to her Trippy rape story. Frankly this surprises me. My experience with Allie was that she always had the attention span of a gnat. (She inherited this unfortunate trait from Lucas, not me.)
 
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The Grant twins are kidnapped. This isn't surprising. Julie-plagued Eli and Kristen-loving Lani have "bad parent" written all over them. Those kids would be better off with me, Salem's best mother.

Gwen's attempt to ruin Abigail's marriage. How does that tramp Abigail like it when the shoe is on the other foot? I'll bet she never gave a moment's thought over how I'd feel when she showered and shacked-up with my EJ.

Kate's affair with Jake continues. I have to give old Granny Kate some credit for keeping it going with an overheated, younger guy like Jake. I never realized that the antique hag had it in her.

Claire falls in love with suspected rapist Charlie. This is all the fault of my loser sister, dumb Belle. If she wasn't such a neglectful parent, her hapless daughter would be a far better judge of character.

It now looks like Charlie, not Trippy, raped Allie. This doesn't surprise me a bit. Since she's burdened with the second-rate genes that Lucas inherited from trampy Kate, It's no wonder that Allie can't get her stories straight.

John and Steve track down Cousin Angelo in Philadelphia. It's a good thing that the stoopid life-ruiner had Steve with him. With his Swiss-cheese, coma-damaged brain, dazed-and-confused John couldn't find his way home from the Pub without help. Mom should really get a service dog to lead him around.
 
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Gwen is Jack's daughter. Jenny can really pick 'em. What kind of man has surprise children running around? The answer is only losers who can't keep their pants zipped. It's now obvious why trampy Abigail messed with my EJ. She's just like her lover-boy father.

Gabi answers the door dressed in a towel. What a tramp. Couldn't she have been more subtle. She's not worthy of being my Rafe's sister.

Vivian snatches the Grant twins. OMG, this is a major case of custodial malpractice. Sicko Vivian isn't fit to care for a pair of gerbils.

Philip's deal with the Vitalis is discovered. What a stoopid loser. Grouchy old Victor should put my handsome son Xander in charge of his silly company ASAP.

Eric delays his return to Salem. OMG, the Bad Twin is worse than ever. What man ditches his bride practically at the altar (even is she's trashy Nicole) and then keeps delaying his return from some godforsaken African village? I hope that the tse-tse flies get him.
 
Sami returns to Salem. I'm back in town, but there was no red carpet welcome at the airport. What gives?

Charlie has been murdered. What's the fuss? That witch Ava will probably have Dr. Rolf bring him back to life.

Ciara is still missing. Why? I thought old Granny Hope was looking for her. I guess the doddering old matron doesn't have what it takes anymore. She should stick to going to bingo night at St. Luke's.

Jake and Kate are still an item. OMG, this Jake is either blind or he has a remarkably strong stomach.

John saying that he'll kill Charlie. If only he really did. Then my Rafe could send him off to the Big House. No more Charlie and no more John -- priceless. Sadly, I don't think he did. The coma-prone life-ruiner can barely find his way home, much less track down a slimy rapist.

Vivian & Ivan go to jail. :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
 
Melinda drops all charges. Hah, that witch, Trask, thought that she had me dead to rights. What a dope. Nobody can lay a hand on untouchable Sami.

Ciara still has amnesia. This is no surprise. She's the daughter of a woman who periodically thought that she was Princess Gina.

Ava moves in with Rafe. What a shameless freeloader. Why bother my Rafe when she can stay at the Salem Inn for free like everybody else?

Shawn and Belle fear Jan Spears. What a pair of pathetic losers. If stoopid Jan Spears ever looked at me funny, it would be the last thing that she ever does.

Despite Ciara being found, Hope has still not returned to Salem. Old Granny Hope probably can't find her way home or maybe she's fallen and can't get up.

Aunt Paulina causes problems for Eli and Lani. Don't you just hate loud, overbearing people who never listen?
 
Theo takes Ciara to South Africa. Can't this little loser get a woman of his own? Does he have to steal another man's wife?

Kate vanishes. Is that somehow a problem?

Nicole is unhappy with Eric. The unholy union between the make-believe-missionary Bad Twin and the trampy babyswitcher was doomed from the start. This should have been obvious to everyone.

John says he saw Belle shoot Charlie: The Swiss-cheesed-brain life-ruiner is at it again. First, he ruined my life and now he's out to get stoopid Belle. When is Mom going to wake up and finally dump this total loser??

Roman has a renewed interest in Kate. OMG, now my poor Daddy has developed a thing for hag-like grannies. Instead, he should be saving Mom from dazed-and-confused John Black.

Allie is interested in Trippy. Marrying a doctor wouldn't be half bad except that she'd get the Patch Man as a father-in-law. In addition to always having some kind of problem, he actually thinks that doodyheaded John is capable of being a private investigator, Can you believe it?
 
Nicole cheats on Eric: This is just what I'd expect from the trampy babyswitcher. Sure, the Bad Twin is no prize, but adultery is always a major no, no.

Sami cheats on EJ: Despite what you may have seen on-screen, this never happened. It was a figment of the writers' imagination. Only hot tramps like the utterly shameless Nicole or Gabi cheat, not good mothers and successful career women like me.

Ben appears to be on the verge of saving Claire: That's my boy. My son is always ready to step up and save damsels in distress. Only a foolish girl like Ciara, the offspring of the equally-clueless old Granny Hope, wouldn't appreciate him.

Ava starts an affair with Rafe: That mob queen better keep her grubby paws off my Rafe. So what if she can cook. No woman in Salem is good enough for him.

People keep dumping on Xander: These hypocrites should watch their words, especially big-mouth Julie, a woman who's married to an ex-grifter. And why can't people show a little understanding. My poor son was practically jilted at the altar. He's entitled to cut loose a little.

Kristen gets away again: OMG, why can't stoopid Mayor Abe and those morons on the City Council give my Rafe the money he needs to properly police Salem. If he had a decent budget, he wouldn't have to limp along, relying on dummy Shawn, useless Eli, loony Lani, and the few uniformed cops who do nothing but wander around police headquarters trying to look busy.

Belle goes to prison: At last Belle is right where she belongs. What a disgrace to the Brady name. Maybe, now Mom will realize that I made the right move when I tried to sell her back when she was a baby. If I'd succeeded, this biggest loser would now be some other family's problem.
 
Paulina's plan to destroy the Town Square. If my smoochy-moochy was still mayor, this sick plot never would never have had a chance. Nothing gets past my EJ except hopefully me cheating with Lucas.

Nicole's snooping. The babyswitcher should stick to raising that child that she oh so wanted for so long and not sick her nose in my very private business. Frankly, I almost hope that the stoopid Bad Twin comes back so she won't have so much time on her hands.

Cheating with Lucas. Am I beating myself up over cheating on EJ with Lucas? Not a chance. Lucas is a very attractive man.

Ciara dumps Ben for Mr. Man-Bun. No surprise here. Any daughter of old Granny Hope is a woman to be avoided. I could tell she was trouble when she made me buy her all that expensive jewelry at Baron's.

Kristen flees town. Everybody thinks that the witch left town to escape the cops. Actually, she knew that I had her totally outmatched when it comes to underhanded schemes.

Rafe talks to a teddy-bear. My poor Rafe needs help. With a sister like Gabi and a significant other like Ava, I wouldn't be surprised if he also starts talking to rocks, trees, and bowls of Daddy's chowder.

Kate's revenge plot against Jake for dumping her. The old hag is kidding herself if she thinks that she can still hang onto younger men by tempting them with nasty granny sex (barf). At her age, even Susan Banks could lure a guy away from her.
 
Eric ends his marriage to Nicole: [As everyone knows, I have no use for the babyswitcher, but let's face facts -- the Bad Twin was also a really bad husband. And who in Salem should dump their spouse over a little cheating. Heck, Mom cheated on Dad with life-ruining John Black and the sainted Caroline cheated on old Shawn with grouchy Victor. (What was she thinking?)]

Nobody seems curious that Sami has apparently disappeared. [What's wrong with these people?? They should be moving heaven and earth to find out where I am. Doesn't anyone care about Salem's best mother?]

Johnny's movie plans: [How dare that brat plan on producing an unflattering movie about me. Children these days have no respect unlike myself when i was a younger person.]

EJ sucker punches Xander: [My former smoochy-moochy has really gone off the rails. I hope that my fine son, Xander, punches his lights out.]

Doug appears to be having memory and behavioral problems. [Pity this poor man. He's married that old big-mouth, Julie, has old Granny Hope for a daughter (talk about disappointing children), and now he's losing his marbles.]

Philip is obsessed with Chloe: [OMG, little Philly has the hots for the ditzy diva? Can't he do better than her? Victor should schedule some sessions for him with Mom.]
 
Sami has now become aware of Salem's zombie plague.

Marlena is possessed: I don't quite know how, but this is all John Black's fault.

Marlena's devil costume: Poor Mom never did have the greatest fashion sense, but this is ridiculous.

Allie is tormented by Zombie Charlie: This is what happens when a girl listens to the likes of trashy Nicole Walker instead of her loving mother when it comes to questions of life and love.

Zombie Nick torments Gabi: Wait until that old witch, Julie, hears what her golden boy has been up to. Her head will explode.

Trippy battles Zombie Charlie: OMG, Ava's dysfunctional sons are at it again. My Rafe deserves so much better than the mob queen, Salem's worst mother.

Zombie Deimos says that Nicole murdered him: OMG, the trashy tramp is also a homicidal babyswitcher. Unless it's to make an arrest, my Rafe better stay far, far away from her.

The zombie invasion in general: I don't know what all the fuss is about, That hideous old hag, Kate, has been playing the role of Salem's wicked witch for decades.
 
Sami hasn't been heard from for a while, but she's now caught up on Salem doings.

EJ goes to jail. Smoochy-Moochy must really be losing it. First, he dumps me over nothing and then he hires dumb Belle as his lawyer. Has senility set in this early?

Rafe is in legal trouble. People in Salem have gotten as dumb as my EJ. Anyone who thinks that my Rafe would do something illegal belongs in Bayview. And when I get back to town, I'm really going to roast that cold-hearted barracuda, Melinda Trask.

Johnny's bad behavior. Don't blame me. I brought that kid up right. It must be all the bad influences in the DiMera mansion.

Kristen kidnaps Kayla, Steve, Sarah, and Abigail. Let's face it, none of these people is any great loss, but Kristen has truly run amok. If Smoochy-Moochy's dear old daddy was still alive, he'd crush her like a bug.

Ciara's baby. If I was in Salem, I'd kindly give her invaluable mothering tips Oh, and by the way, where's old Granny Hope? You'd think that she'd rush back to Salem when she heard that her daughter was expecting. Some mother she is.

Jenny returns to Salem. The confrontational Ms. Sleeveless is back? Everyone in town should now head for the storm cellars. Don't you just hate big mouths who can't control themselves?

Xander proposes to Gwen. OMG, my fine son (he is my son!) can do better than this schemer. What he needs is a girl who's just like his mother.
 
Johnny's Possession.: My poor, little boy. Thank goodness he's now free of Satan. That said, you'd think my mother would have done a better job looking out for him. Her failure to do this surely resulted from the bad influence of that life-ruiner John Black, who has always ignored my wonderful children.

Belle's Possession: This is no surprise. Weak-minded Belle would have been easy pickings for the Devil. Hopefully, the court system will hear about her possession and disbar her ASAP. The whole judiciary system will be better off without her gross incompetence.

EJ Goes to Jaill: My poor, dear, smoochy-moochy. This is what happens to weak, troubled men who no longer have me to guide them through life.

Rafe Goes on Trial: OMG, another one my guys is in trouble, I'd better hustle back to Salem before any more men in my life come to grief. Who knows what could happen to poor Daddy without my protection.

Gabi Incurs Kate's Wrath: Little Gabba-Gabba is toast. That little schemer is no match for the diabolical old hag.

Sarah thinks that she's Renee DuMonde: This Sarah creature is even dumber than Belle. Thank goodness my fine son, Xander, is rid of her. That foolish Gwen is no bargain, but she's a far better option for my boy than some lunatic who thinks that she's a woman who's been dead since 1983.
 
Johnny is possessed again: Why isn't anyone looking out for my little boy? Why hasn't anyone called in Devil-buster Eric? The bad twin may not be good for much, but he's really effective at exorcisms.

Eli gets shot by TR Coates: What kind of cop is Eli Grant? How could he get shot in a struggle with some old guy? My Rafe would have turned Coates into a pretzel before hauling him off to jail.

Allie is confused about her identity: Why isn't anyone talking sense to my girl? She should marry the doctor ASAP. I hear that he's quite good looking and will certainly be making big bucks down the road. Who knows, maybe Allie and Dr. Trippy could become the new Tom and Alice.

Belle is tied to a bed: It's about time. This way dumb Belle can no longer do any harm with her stoopid opinions and bad legal advice.

Will tries to tell Craig to stay away from Leo: If this Craig doesn't listen to my fine son, he's really stoopid. Will is as smart as they come. After all, I'm his mother.
 
The Devil targeting Johnny and Allie: This is NOT my fault. It's all because of the bad influence of the phony exorcist, live-ruiner John Black.

The Devil's alleged interest in Ben and Ciara's baby: What nonsense. This poor kid has genes from creepy Clyde, bad cop Bo Brady, and old Granny Hope. Why would Satan be interested in such a flawed person?

Roman hires Clyde: Poor Daddy has to scrape the bottom of the barrel because his employees are so unreliable. Remember when that spoiled brat, Ciara, never used to come to work.

Rafe takes up with Nicole: Talk about scraping the bottom of the Salem barrel. My Rafe deserves better than the trampy babyswitcher. That said, she is a step up (a very small step) from that odious mob princess, Ava Vitali.

EJ might get out of jail. Thank goodness. My heart was breaking over the thought that my poor, refined smoochy-moochy was in that awful prison. Now that justice is being done, dumb Belle should be disbarred. No other person should land in prison because of her gross incompetence.

Kate is fired from DiMera: Good for my Rafe's baby sister. It's about time that treacherous old hag got her walking papers. Maybe, she'll have to go back to trolling for sailors on the Salem piers.

Craig leaves Nancy: Who can blame him? Even the likes of Leo Stark is a step up from that self-pitying big-mouth, Nancy. BTW, I think the results of her make-over were hideous.
 
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