"Dear Ruffles McRed"....an advice column #2

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DrBakerFan

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Dear Ruffles McRed,

The famous person that my husband once proposed to came back to town. I know he wants to get him back and destroy my marriage, but when I try to save my relationship, everyone takes his side and criticizes ME! I'm beside myself with fear, anger, and insecurity. My Mom's advice is to HATE him, but this just isn't working. What can I do?

Utterly Distraught

Dear Utterly,

You poor dear. First settle yourself down with a nice glass of warm milk. Then bake your husband some nice chocolate chip cookies using the wonderful recipe that you can find on my Ruffles McRed website. This should do the trick. The cookies always soothe my dear Victor when he's cranky about one thing or another. P.S., my darling egg-baby doctor son loves them too after performing another stressful, miracle life-saving operation.

Cheers,

Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McDoody-Head,

Once again you are so stoopid. You should tell this writer that he needs to smear the name of the individual breaking up his marriage and to go around telling everyone that he HATES HIM!

PS: Your cookies are gross. After eating your disgusting cookies, I suggest rinsing the mouth with Arm and Hammer Truly Radiant Mouthwash. That should get rid of your nasty cookie aftertaste.

Sami Brady DiMera
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

My college-freshman son is involved with a young woman who is his true love, but her horrid mother keeps trying to break them up, using methods that are too vile to mention here. I am fighting hard to save my son's relationship, but a certain doctor, who shall remain nameless, is questioning my judgment. Am I doing the right thing? P.S., I was appalled by the nasty message you received from that awful Sami Brady DiMera. The things she once said about my dear, perfect daughter were unspeakable. Thank God she's away pitching toothbrushes and mouthwash.

Hardworking Hospital Administrator

Dear Hardworking,

Of course you are doing the right thing. True love must always prevail, just like my relationship with my darling, lovable, crotchety Victor. The girl's mother sounds like a witch and that doctor should stick to making his rounds. As for Sami Brady, sadly, she's a cross we all must bear.

Gotta go, Victor needs his warm milk and home-baked cookies,

Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,
I lub my boo boo boyfriend. He's my cuddly wuddly. He and his ex are finding out they have a baby together. It's not fair, I'm supposed to be his baby! WAHHHH!
Sincerely,
Red-headed Baby

Dear Red-headed Baby,
Please use proper English. If you are old enough to have a boyfriend that is fathering children, then you are old enough to speak as an adult. You are not a baby. I bet you'll be an excellent mom or step mom someday, you just got to let the baby be the baby. Got it?
 
Dear Ruffles McRed- I think you should make some of Alice's famous doughnuts and alter the recipe a bit by adding a touch of cyanide to the batter. Fry to a golden brown and frost with your favorite frosting and eat a bunch of them. This will put you and the viewers out of our misery.
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

My husband's mean, old uncle is trying to break up my marriage. He even called me a "low-rent neurotic" and is encouraging my beloved to reconnect with an old love. How can I save my marriage?

Fearful and Desperate in Salem

Dear Fearful,

Oh my, what a horrible old grouch -- he certainly sounds nothing like my cuddly, lovable Victor. My advice is to provide your husband with lots of warm milk and home-baked cookies (I can send you my best recipes). And don't worry about that "old love." Most of them just fade away and are never seen again. In fact, as my darling Victor is fond of saying, there are some women in Salem who would be hard-pressed to remember the names of their first husband.

Cheers, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I am a quiet, reserved woman who likes her privacy. On a recent trip to Salem, I was confronted by rude, threatening, prying people who wanted to uncover hurtful parts of my past. I fear that my famous son may move to Salem, meaning that I may eventually have to return there. Do you have any suggestions to make my next visit more pleasant?

Worried and Hurt

Dear Worried,

How rude and inconsiderate of these awful people. On your next visit, I suggest that you associate with a better class of people, including my husband's nephew and his brilliant writer husband. Other suggestions would be Dr. Marlena Evans, who is very wise, and John Black, a darling man who himself has overcome many obstacles in life. You might even consider dropping by my home to meet my kindly husband Victor, who only recently had thoughtful advice for the young man who married his nephew. If you do stop by, I'll have a plate of my home-baked cookies ready. Everyone says they make their day.

Hope to see you soon, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

My precious college-age daughter says she's in love with a classmate who is a totally unsuitable horndog who will surely break her heart. I know this because in a moment of weakness, I slept with this sex maniac once, twice, three, four five times. (I'm a lonely woman without a husband or boy friend.) I need to know how to save my daughter. Please help!

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Oh my, my, Ruffles McRed has lived in Salem a long time, and has seen and heard a lot that shouldn't be mentioned in polite company, but your story takes the cake. That said, true love should always win out if it's meant to be. To smooth its way, my suggestion would be to discuss things with the young man's mother, who like most Salem parents, is most likely a caring, understanding, reasonable person who won't judge you or her son. When you visit, be sure to bring along a plate of home-baked cookies. They're a great ice-breaker.

Good luck, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I am an ambitious businessman who is relatively new to Salem. Two of my chief competitors are elderly gents who seem to be over the hill, but for some reason the people I talk to seem to think that they're omnipotent. I'm sure these people are very wrong and that my competitors are ready for bingo and checkers at the Salem Senior Center. As a longtime Salem resident, do you think that my confidence is justified?

New to Salem

Dear New,

It is a shame that, unlike my dear Victor, when some businessmen get older, they lose their edge. However, I must caution you that when you came to Salem, you entered a whole new world just like Alice did when she went down the rabbit hole or Dorothy when she landed in Oz. Nothing here is as it seems. Sadly, our city is full of mad hatters and wicked witches. Accordingly, I would suggest that you proceed cautiously.

Wisely, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I've got a new baby, but because of an evil plot, another woman carried him to term. I feel so cheated. Worse, the baby's father is now engaged to an adult toddler and won't forgive me for my past, well-meaning mistakes. Is there hope for poor me?

J.T.D.

Dear J.T.D.,

Don't get down. I never gave birth to my darling, perfect, brilliant egg-baby son. In fact, I didn't even meet him until he was over 30, but now we now form a marvelous, loving mutual-admiration society. As for the baby's father don't despair. In Salem, few relationships are forever. Sooner or later his childish fiancee will cheat on him, be possessed by the devil, go to jail, go into a coma, move to South America, or whatever, which will give you a second chance. Best of luck! Now I just gotta go, my dear Victor needs his bedtime warm milk.

Knowingly,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I'm just a baby but I've had enough adventure to last me for the rest of my life. First, I was stolen out of my hard-partying, hard-drinking mommy and put into a psycho who was once married to my grandfather and then tried to marry my daddy. After I was born it was discovered I was sick so the town psycho kidnapped my mommy so save my life. Then my daddy and an overgrown toddler show up to try and rescue me and mommy and ended up as hostages. Thankfully, my step-grandmother tossed the psycho out a window and saved us all. Once we all got back to Salem, my mommy and I had the life saving procedure so I could get better. Things were starting to look and then my mommy decided she's going to use me to get my daddy back. Meanwhile, I think my daddy plans on proposing to the overgrown toddler. And let's not discuss the name they gave me. I think they both fell off the wagon again when they came up with it. What's a baby to do?

Tater Tot

Dear Tater Tot,

My, my you've had quite the turmoil since before you were even born. I hope your life saving procedure was performed by my wonderful egg baby genius doctor son. Hopefully, your parents will soon realize you are the most important thing in their lives like I did with my one and only precious egg baby. When you get older you'll have to stop by the Kiriakis mansion for some fresh baked cookies and milk.

Welcome to the world,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

My true love now has a baby by another woman who made it clear to me that she'd take the child out of state unless I broke things off with him. After a few minutes thought, I've decided to break up with my lover and leave Salem immediately. Am I doing the right thing?

Help!!, MJ

Dear MJ,

Usually, Ruffles McRed is very careful about how she composes her answers to troubled readers seeking advice, but here I must say: "Are you crazy?" You're thinking just like a toddler. Do you really think that your man is so foolish, spineless, drunk, and/or high on drugs that he'd let this scheming witch destroy your love or take his new baby to some distant state?? Toughen up and fight for what's right. The road to love can often be difficult, but one must persevere. How else would I have found happiness with my dear, cuddly, cookie-loving Victor?

Firmly,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I am an officer of the law who's convinced that a certain person is committing serious crimes all over Salem, but I can't get any information from anyone and it's driving me absolutely crazy. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

How awful for you. Sadly, Salem has the slipperiest criminals in America. Only the stupid or unlucky ones get caught. For example, that horrid Stefano DiMera has been literally getting away with murder for decades and yet he's still free as a bird. My advice would be to develop a secret network of informants. You might want to start with my dear Victor. He may now be an old cuddle-bear who simply loves his warm milk at bedtime, but he's still got his ear to the ground. If anyone can help you get the goods on this evil malefactor, he's the one.

Optimistically,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I didn't trust my true love, so I installed a tracking app on her smartphone, and what did I learn? -- that she'd slept with my arch-enemy the day before. Then, I did what any guy in my situation would do, as soon as she got home, I got her into my bed immediately. Does this mean that our romance will now have clear sailing? Please say yes.

BW

Dear BW,

Oh dear, your girlfriend reminds me of a certain blonde woman who has now left Salem for Hollywood. Things didn't usually end well for her and I fear your lady friend will suffer the same fate. As for you, your lack of confidence in the young lady is disturbing, using a tracking app sounds like something that awful Stefano DiMera would do, and your immediate-bedding ploy only means that she'll be true to you until she's out of sight. Keep in mind, true love is based on trust. For example, I trust that my cuddle-bear, Victor, would never go back to his bad old ways and do things like ordering people killed or smuggling diamonds into Salem from Africa.

Firmly, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I feel so unloved and unwanted. People are constantly accusing me of committing a foul crime despite the fact that I have a rock-solid alibi and no charges have been filed. Is there anything that I can do to get everyone to love poor, poor me?

Sadly,
The X Man

Dear X,

Oh dear, you certainly are in a bad place. Sadly, ugly rumors and false accusations often fly fast and furious here in Salem. I can recall when that wonderful, hard-working Jennifer Deveraux was falsely accused of pushing a pregnant woman down the Town Square steps. My advice is to talk to my beloved Victor. He has eyes and ears everywhere in Salem, and may have just the information you need to save your reputation.

Optimistically,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I foolishly cheated on my live-in boy friend by sleeping with a guy he hates. Now, I'm pregnant and don't know which man is the father of the child. I wanted an immediate paternity test, but was told that it's not possible for several weeks. The suspense of not knowing whether I've ruined my life and my relationship with my boy friend is killing me. How can I cope? Please help!

Desperately,
Ms. Perfect

Dear Ms. Perfect,

Oh, dear, your situation reminds me of the time that the nice Lucas Horton learned that one of his true love's twins was fathered by that awful EJ DiMera. That said, you should stop fretting. In Salem, things tend to work out well for those who find themselves in a condundrum except, of course, for those who became enmeshed in the DiMera web of lies, deceit, and all-around nastiness. Take me for example. I was once the subject of a dastardly plan concocted by that truly horrid Vivian Alamain, but now I'm living comfortably in the Kiriakis mansion and baking cookies every day for my dear, sweet Victor.

Cheerfully, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

Recently, my mother and boyfriend did something to hurt me that was so horrible that it can't adequately be described in words, but now I'm getting even. I just fooled my awful, trampy mother into selling a valuable family heirloom for only $10,000 (I got half, ha ha) and now to spite my putrid, stupid ex-boy friend, I'm getting chummy with a local, low-level drug dealer (he's not bad looking). Don't you think that this is a great plan?

Confidently,
Pay-G-Poo

Dear Poo,

Oh, my, Ruffles McRed is appalled by your so-called plan. You appear to have contracted the infamous Salem revenge disease and are cutting off your nose in spite of your face. Even in Salem, forgiveness or at least a little forgetfulness is always the best policy. Take my darling Victor. He was recently horribly wronged by his ungrateful nephew, Alexandros, but he has kindly forgone the terrible revenge he could have exacted. P.S., if you can get accepted to a faraway university, say in California, I strongly advise you to enroll there immediately.

Sternly, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I am a highly trained, professional nanny. Recently, I was hired by a wealthy family to care for their baby. Despite giving the child the best of care, I was fired because of somebody's dirty trick. These people were so dense that they mistook the odor of baby formula for the aroma of the liquid that babies usually deposit in diapers. I'm so disgusted that I'm losing my faith in humanity. Any advice?

Mary Poppins

Dear Mary Poppins,

Oh dear, I can see why you are upset. These people must be real dunces. That said, you shouldn't let the actions of a few dummies spoil your outlook. For example, my dear Victor and his grandson, Brady, are brilliant businessmen who don't miss a thing. Then, there's that always-sensible, young hospital administrator Abigail Deveraux and my brilliant, perfect, egg-baby, Daniel, a doctor who can cure a disease merely by being in the room. So I say, chin up and carry on. Better days are surely in store for you.

Chim chim cher-ee, Ruffles McRed
 
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