"Dear Ruffles McRed"....an advice column #2

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Great news, Ruffles McRed lovers. Filling in for Ruffles today is the brilliant, up-and-coming couturier, Ms. Theresa Donovan.

Dear Theresa,

I'm so hurt. My husband says that I always look like a frump? Any suggestions.

Hurt and Confused

Dear Hurt,

Check your closet. If your wardrobe consists of anything designed by the wretched Basic Black, toss it in the rag bin.

Wisely, Theresa

Dear Theresa,

I've recently escaped from a mental hospital and am thinking of returning to Salem to search for a new love. Is this a good idea? P.S. I've been diagnosed as criminally insane.

BW

Dear BW,

Have I got a girl for you. My true love recently dragged home a psycho mermaid from California. You'd be perfect together. Send me a PM and I'll provide you with her contact information.

Good luck, Theresa
 
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Great news, Salem. Filling in for Ruffles McRed today is a visiting celebrity, Phantom Alliance chief Yo Ling aka Yo-Yo, Yo-Daddy, and Yoplait.

Dear Yo-Daddy,
I don't know much about history, insects, foreign affairs, or life in general. Can you pass along a few pearls of wisdom?

Thanks, Clueless

Yo Clueless,
It would take years for me to impart all of the wisdom that I learned from the Old Masters and my many, many other life experiences, but here are a few.
  • The U.S. invasion of North Korea was an act of unprovoked aggression.
  • Contrary to belief, it's easy for Americans to walk across North Korea and cross into China, and then live there for years unmolested by the communist authorities.
  • Cockroaches have collective decision making. They build elaborate cockroach nests, their leader is the queen cockroach, and their colonies are guarded by fearless soldier cockroaches.
  • Elderly men have the right to drain their sons' blood so that they may live to carry on their life's mission.
  • Groups dedicated to fighting people like Ugandan dictator Idi Amin and Cambodian communist tyrant Pol Pot need safe houses near Salem.
  • When Rocky Balboa said "Yo Adrienne" after beating Apollo Creed, he was giving me a shout-out.
  • Wanchai Ferry Chinese food is the best. It was the first choice of my mentors, the Old Masters. I enjoy it three times a day. It's helped keep my mystery disease in check.

Hope this helps,
Old Yo
 
Hey, Ruffles McDoodyhead,

I hear you have so many kids, you can't even keep track of them anymore! You stink as a mother!

Sincerely, Salem's Best Mother


Dear "Mother",

Of course I know how many children I have. Daniel and Summer are my two precious and perfect jewels. At least I'm not like that terrible Samantha Brady who can't even remember how many children she has or their names. Last I heard, she only recognizes her two DiMera children and forgets about her two Horton children. What kind of mother does that?

Sternly, Ruffles McRed


Dear Ruffles McRed,

Last we heard, we are your two Horton children, but whatever.

Regretfully, Melissa and Sarah HORTON
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,
I am a very affluent, respectable 90-year-old lady with a problem. Recently a 20-year-old-woman arrived in Salem claiming to be my long-lost daughter. When I said that I didn't/couldn't have given birth to a child at age 70, she assured me that I had that common Salem problem, amnesia. My sister, children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren all say that she's a fake and a fortune hunter, but she has a DNA test from Salem University Hospital to prove her claim. Please help.

Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed,
Salem University Hospital DNA tests are 1000% accurate, especially those that were supervised by my late wonderful, brilliant egg-baby. Welcome the poor dear into your family, and enjoy being a new member of that select, happy group of Salem parents who learned about previously unknown children in late middle age or their golden years.

Confidently, Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,

I'm in a real pickle. I just got away with murder, and even though I have kids and a granddaughter I barely speak to and a stepson that did a bad thing, I'm more concerned with hooking up with my new partner. Is it ok to let him put the handcuffs on me?

Love,
Killer Cop

Dear Killer Cop,
You have the best job in Salem. You get to carry a gun, take off work whenever you want, kill whoever you want and get away with it and have a partner that wants you? Go for it, it's not like you need to pay any attention to anyone other than yourself.

Sincerely
Ruffles McRed.
 
Good news, readers. With Ruffles McRed laid up with a typical soap medical crisis, blunt-spoken Nanny Megan is back to provide answers to your problems.

Dear Nanny Megan,
Years ago, my mother, a scared 17-year-old farm girl, gave me up for adoption. :cry: How could she do this to ME, ME! :cry: I feel so sad, lonely, rejected and betrayed! :cry::cry: I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. :cry: What should I do?

Winter

Dear Winter,

Your idea about crawling into a hole and never emerging again sounds perfect.

Nanny Megan

P.S., you're weepier than weeping Will Horton ever was.
 
Dear Nanny Megan

I recently got some bad life advance from a worldly gentleman. As a result I ended up raping my stepsister and committing a string of lesser offenses, which have landed me behind bars. Now my stepmom and everyone else in town has turned their backs on me. They think I'm a bad seed but I know I'm still basically a good boy, more or less. What should I do?

Troubled Teen

Dear Troubled Teen

If you were my stepson and had raped my daughter based on advice from an obviously immoral career criminal, I'd have taken a weed whacker to your groin. Consider yourself lucky your stepmom lets the legal system decide things rather than sharp objects.

Nanny Megan
 
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Dear Nanny Megan,

Many years ago my daddy left me, LEFT ME. LEFT me and my family, just deserted us. Now he is back and trying to worm his way into our close little family again. Okay, so I left town with a great job a couple of years ago after turning my life around from being a petty thief. My older brother is a cop, my older sister died tragically, I think, my baby sister killed a man and went to jail after having a baby. This man wants back into the family. What should I do?

Acting like a Tantrum Throwing Three Year Old

Dear TTT,

Put on your big boy pants, get a decent job and help support your family. You also deserted your family so stop sniveling and start doing something helpful to help.

Nanny Megan
 
Dear Nanny Megan,

I have a deep dark secret that no one is aware of. I am a grandmother, but I don't want anyone to know I'm old enough to have a grandchild old enough to vote. Whenever I see her, I just pretend she's a neighborhood kid. What do I do if she calls me "Grandma" when others are around?

Hope-lessly Aging, but Pretending Not To

Dear Granny,

There is no way to avoid your grandchild or pretend she's your younger sister. Face it, Grandma, your heyday WAS in the 80's. And at this point, you should be lucky you are not a great-grandmother.

I'm going to say this as nicely as possible: Suck it up, Buttercup!

Nanny Megan
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,
Recently, my brother-in-law cheated my husband out of his share of the family business. My poor husband is down in the dumps and doesn't want to go to a lawyer. Any advice?

Out in the Cold

Dear Out,
Get revenge! Tear your brother-in-law limb from limb, claw his eyes out, or imitate Abigail Deveraux and set fire to him. Get revenge ... revenge!!

Angrily, Ruffles McRed

Note from the editor: Our readers should excuse Ruffles's violent mood. Because of a family crisis, she's not her usual chipper self. Give her time and she be back to her old wise, cookie-baking ways.
 
Readers: With Ruffles McRed very busy with rehab and accommodating herself to her new townhouse, Ms. Sami Brady has kindly volunteered to fill in today.

Dear Sami,
A man who looks just like my former fiance/husband who I thought was dead has suddenly appeared with a weird tale of being impersonated, held captive, and once having conspired with Stefano and Andre DiMera to seduce me and get the proceeds from my big life insurance policy. I'm currently tormented by old feelings of love along with intense hate because of all the things I've been through because of him. Should I take him back if he's the real deal?

Hopeless

Dear Hopeless,
Hey, all that bad stuff doesn't matter if this guy has changed. My darling smoochy-moochy didn't always act like a boy scout, but he CHANGED and our wonderful true love prevailed.

Cheers, Sami
P.S., don't believe any rumors about doodyhead Stefano and awful Andre needing your life insurance because I stole their millions. It's all vile lies spread by those who can't stand the idea that EJ and I achieved blissful love and happiness.
 
Readers, this is your lucky day. Ruffles McRed is still busy dealing with her personal life, but fortunately accomplished businesswoman Ms. Kate Roberts Brady has agreed to handle today's questions.

Dear Kate,

I'm engaged to a man who might be unfaithful in the future and is currently engaged in various sketchy activities, which are almost surely of a criminal nature. Should I marry him? Also, how do you put that blue-green chunk in your hair. I'd like to change my look.

In a Quandry

Dear Quandry,

Stop fretting over possible future cheating. As I always say, the sanctity of marriage is overrated. As for any criminal schemes, you'll win either way. If your fiance is successful, you'll share in his ill-gotten gains. If he lands in jail, you're rid of a guy who turned out to be a dumb crook -- really dumb if he's caught by Roman Brady's pathetic cops. Regarding my chunk, sorry, but it's a trade secret.

Ta, ta, Kate
 
Bad news, readers. Kate Roberts Brady is having an existential crisis over developments in her personal life and is now unavailable. Fortunately, the always-reliable Nanny Megan is here to save the day!

Dear Nanny Megan,
I'm a fabulously wealthy man who's just become informally engaged to a an attractive, but conniving, dishonest woman with a blue-green chunk who I'm told is not above trying to poison me in the future. I'm also irresistibly drawn to a woman who looks just like my long-lost true love who tragically died thirty years ago. Unfortunately, I can't shake the feeling that she's somehow in cahoots with my totally ruthless older brother.

Please help, DK

Dear DK,
Face it, buster, you have a thing for bad girls. Resist the urge to make bad choices. My advice is to stay single. Marriages in Salem never work out, even for nice guys. Just ask that poor Lucas Horton who foolishly married future babyswitcher Nicole Walker, queen of hags Carrie Reed, horrid screecher Sami Brady, and then that trampy cheat, Chloe Lane Black. It was misery street all the way.

Firmly, Nanny Megan
 
It's good news and bad news, Salemites! The bad news is that Ruffles McRed is still dealing with health issues and her problem mystery daughter. The good news is that Sami Brady will kindly do today's advice column.

Dear Sami,
I recently was released after 30 awful years in prison, and since then have been on a winning streak. I've outfoxed my vicious older brother and gained control of his billions, and recently met a woman who looks just like my long-lost love. Naturally, I now don't want to make bad moves that will ruin things. What mistakes should I avoid? You know Salem, so please help.

Big D.
P.S., I've already asked Nanny Megan for advice, but she was no help.

Dear Big,
Easy, to be a doodyhead who shot for the moon, but landed in a pig sty, get involved with that odious hag Kate Roberts. Also avoid John Black like the plague. This loser will ruin your life. I HATE him!

Knowingly, Sami (EJ's sweet hot)
 
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Interesting news, Salemites. With Ruffles McRed still dealing with her awful surprise daughter, Summer, Mr. Andre DiMera will be offering advice today from his cold, lonely prison cell. Thank you Andre!

Dear Andre,
I am a danger-lover who's afraid that I'm losing my touch. Twice I was supremely confident that I could handle a crazy woman who was infatuated with me only to have the situation blow up in my face. Most recently, my son was being held captive during a hostage situation. I was 100% that sure I could talk sense to his captor, but my son ended up being shot and severely wounded. Should I try to stay in the game or give up and become one of those old coots who play checkers in the Town Square?

Mr. S. the Danger Man

Dear Danger Man,
Hang in there. My dear father came back from the dead on many occasions, and was on top of his game right to the end -- tormenting those fools at the Salem P.D. As for playing checkers in the Square, forget it. I've heard that Salem's over-the-hill gang, John Black, Abe Carver, and Doug Williams are unbeatable.

Andre
 
Great news, readers. Ruffles McRed is now settled into her new home and is available to answer letters today.

Dear Ruffles McRed,

I'm so frustrated that I could spit. My nasty grandfather keeps saying mean, snarky things about my fiancee and won't believe that she's changed. What can I do to convince him that she's not the person that she once was?

Help, BB

Dear BB,
Part of your problem is that the foolish Samantha Gene Brady was always prattling about how her awful lover, EJ DiMera, had changed, which was, of course, utter nonsense. This has caused many people in town to doubt the possibility of personal change. I suggest that you tell your mean old grandfather about my long-lost daughter, Summer, who's done some bad things in her life, but who is now an upstanding person with honest friends like that nice Dario Hernandez.

Wisely,
Ruffles McRed
 
Great news, Salemites. We have a celebrity advice columnist today! With Ruffles McRed distraught over certain inconvenient truths about her long-lost daughter, the famous Captain Ahab, who has just done a Stefano DiMera and returned to life, will be answering your questions.

Dear Captain Ahab,
I greatly fear that my beloved son, who some say is named after a root vegetable, has been kidnapped. The Salem P.D. is useless and I don't want to ask for the help of my snarky old grandfather. Any advice?

BB

Dear BB,
Aye, shipmate, your situation is most dire. My advice is that thee shouldst scour the land as I once scoured the wide oceans for the dreaded white whale, Moby Dick. And when thee and thy crew finally catch sight of the foul kidnappers, be certain that thy harpoons fly straight and true.

Good fortune to thee,
Captain Ahab

P.S., I have a yen to resume cruising the seven seas. Might thee know if veteran seafarer Julie Williams is available as a companion on such a voyage?
 
Good news, Salem. Ruffles McRed is back in form and ready to answer your questions.

Dear Ruffles McRed,
Since arriving in Salem, I've had no luck in the love department. I'm a handsome hunk who foolishly married a woman who was secretly in love with a career criminal, had a relationship with the dullest woman in Salem history, had a fling with a well-preserved grandmother, and now am the third wheel in a love triangle that involves yet another grandmother and a shyster lawyer. How can I find true love? I don't want to end up like kissless Roman Brady.

The Big R.

Dear Big R.,
Sadly, the road to true love in Salem is often bumpier than its potholed streets. My advice is to hang in there. My darling Victor was involved with a whole string of horrid witches before finding salvation by marrying me. And don't worry about ending up like Roman Brady -- he's a special case. He once married Kate Roberts Brady. Good luck down the road to any man who's climbed into her bed.

Wisely,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed,
I work hard to prepare wonderful meals for my family, but soon after sitting down at the table, they leap up and rush off for one reason or another, leaving my tasty food largely uneaten. What can I do to get everyone to sit through a whole meal together like a real family?

Mami H.

Dear Mami H.,
Oh my, this can be disheartening. My cuddle bear, Victor, used to hardly touch his food before he'd rush off to write down clever, snarky one-liners, which he'd later use to insult people whom he hates. (It's quite a list.) Now, I tell him that if he doesn't clean his plate, including his vegetables, he can't have any of my delicious home-baked cookies for dessert. It works like a charm. You also might try serving Wanchai Ferry Chinese food for dinner. Caroline Brady swears by it. She always says: "Nobody walks away from Wanchai Ferry."

Good Luck, Ruffles McRed
 
Readers, with Ruffles McRed currently recovering from University Hospital's latest surgical miracle, the currently unemployed Kate Roberts Brady has agreed to answer your questions on life and love. No questions on her blue chunk, please. That's a trade secret.

Dear Kate,

I'm a teen guy who really liked this girl, but then she said that she only wanted "bad boys" whatever they are. Recently, another girl talked me into giving her a lengthy kiss. Just as this was happening, the first girl walked in and caught us. I feel so felt so guilty. What should I do?

TC

Dear TC,

Wake up and smell the Salem air. In this city, the big lie, poisoned brownies, kidnappings, blackmail and false police reports are acceptable conduct. And cheating on spouses, fiances, and significant others are only minor, expected "transgressions" as is betraying family members. Your experience doesn't even rate a tiny blip on the guilt radar screen. My advice to is seriously readjust your code of conduct. If not, you'll never make it in this town. Want proof, look at what happened to holy man Eric Brady.

Ta, ta,
Kate
 
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