"Dear Ruffles McRed"....an advice column #2

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Note to readers: With Ruffles McRed and Nanny Megan still busy, and with other guest advice columnists in momentary short supply, we have been forced to press Ben Weston into service today.

Dear Ben,

I strongly suspect that my super hot, but unreliable, girlfriend is cheating on me with some rich creep. How can I find out for sure? Also, sorry about your current incarceration.

Suspicious Hunk

Dear Suspicious,

There are lots of ways to sniff out a cheating tramp -- tracking apps on phones work great. My daddy also used to plant bugs in people's homes. You could also just use that old Salem standby, eavesdropping. You'd be surprised what you can learn simply by lurking around the Town Square. Good luck!

Ben

P.S., don't worry about me -- I'll be out soon. I've purchased a copy of Faking Insanity for Dummies on Amazon.com.
 
Dear Ben,

My wife and I are having a baby. She wants an epidural with the first contraction, all the way up until the child's first birthday. I want her to give birth naturally, with no drugs involved. How can I make her see that my way is the better way?

Father To Be

Dear Father,

It's easy, knock your wife unconscious, drag her to a remote cabin, chain her to a chair and find a local midwife to deliver the baby. Make sure to ignore all of the midwife's suggestions for taking your wife to the hospital if things start getting tense. Hospital births are for sissies. Trust me, this'll work like a charm. By the way, are you into bonfires? Never mind.... I was thinking about something else.

Good luck, Ben
 
Dear Ben,

My new(ish) husband has really changed. He is so nice and cuddly since we have married (when I am around). Unfortunately he has reconnected with his baby's mama due to her recent health issues and now wants to move her into our mansion without a thought towards my feelings. I do not have a problem with her but I am still jealous over their relationship. How can my cookies compete with her clam chowder? How do I tell my cuddly-wuddly my feelings?

Knock Em Dead Red Head
 
Dear Ben,

I've run into some extreme debt and am being blackmailed by the only people who can help me get out of debt. My new wife has more than enough money to pay off my debt for good but I'm afraid to ask her for help. What would you do?

Curious Counsel

Dear Curious,

I would ask her for the money. You never know when her MIA ex will pop up and sweep her off her feet. So you need to do everything possible to solidify your relationship now. It didn't work out so well for me but it can for you.

Best,
Ben
 
Note to readers: We are continuing with guest columnists today and because the advice from Ben Weston was so well received, we are continuing with our "ask the incarcerated" theme by calling on former Salem resident and current state prison inmate Dr. Richard Baker.

Dear Dr. Baker,
I'm desperate to hang on to my rich, handsome husband, but have just suffered a miscarriage and now fear that the lack of an heir will cause my guy to dump me. Should I fake my pregnancy and then ask a baby doctor to get me a newborn at the right moment, which I can pass off as my own child?

Girl with a Plan

Dear Planner,
Believe it or not, this has been tried already with disastrous results for both the would-be mother and the OB-GYN who foolishly helped her. I'v learned the hard way that honesty is the best policy. You ought to try it.

Doc Baker

P.S., please sign the petition to get me parole. My old partner in crime was released long ago and now is reportedly running amok in Salem. Obviously, the authorities let the wrong person out.
P.P.S., stay away from that casino in West Salem. To borrow a line from the old song "House of the Rising Sun," It's been the ruin of many a poor boy, including me.
 
Note to readers: Continuing with our guest format, today's questions will be handled by the brilliant University Hospital public relations chief, Jennifer Deveraux.

Dear Jennifer,
My friends say that I shouldn't always wear sleeveless dresses in winter. What do you think?

Sleeveless

Dear Sleeveless,
Wearing white after Labor Day may be a fashion faux pas, but sleeveless dresses are just the thing for any well-dressed woman regardless of the season, weather, etc. If the Antarctic penguins wore dresses in winter, they'd be sleeveless. P.S., wrap dresses are for frizzy-haired losers.

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,
My awful neighbor keeps criticizing my beloved son just because he's gotten into trouble with the Salem P.D. a few times. How should I handle this?

Doting Mom

Dear Doting,
Don't delay! Rush over to your neighbor's home and confront her! Send me your email, and I'll forward some of my best confrontation lines.

Go get the witch,
Jennifer
 
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Note to our readers: Our guest columnist today is Chad DiMera who recently effected the heroic rescue of Ms. Abigail Deveraux from a burning cabin in Mammoth Falls.

Dear Chad,
I'm currently having problems with people who have serious hair issues. A relative of my true love who reminds me of the Shaggy character in Scooby-Doo came to my home today and said hateful things to me. On the job, I'm constantly being disrespected by an old hag who thinks a blue chunk makes her attractive to aging men. What should I do?

Brilliant Couturier

Dear Brilliant,
Let me get back to you on this after I consult with my family. I suddenly feel as though I can't do or say anything on my own initiative.

Chad
 
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Dear Chad,

Just yesterday you said you loved me and we'd be together. Why the sudden change of heart??

Broken Hearted Abby

Dear Abby,

Abby?? Ugh! Bombs! Fire! Destruction!!!

Belle.....mmmmmm, puppies, cakes, daisies. Mmmmmm..... cakes...... warm cookies. Warm cookies?? Wonder if Maggie baked today?

Chad
 
Note to the readers: All of you are in luck. Today's guest columnist is distinguished businesswoman and Basic Black partner Kate Roberts Brady.

Dear Kate,
My super-rich old, childless uncle ruins every family holiday gathering with his loud complaints, opinionated comments, and foul-smelling cigars. Thanksgiving was a disaster and I fear that Christmas will be too. Unfortunately, none of us in the family want to tell him to shut up because we're all in his will. Any advice.

Digusted

Dear Disgusted,
If you can keep a secret, send me a PM and I'll forward my very effective brownie recipe.

Confidentially, Kate
 
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Note to readers: Great news! Our guest columnist for the day is the brilliant, young dress designer, Ms. Jeannie Theresa Donovan. So to all you ladies with important fashion questions, this is your chance to ask an expert!

Dear Jeannie Theresa,
I'm wondering if my clothes and overall look are stylish enough? How can I tell? You're an expert, so please help.

Confused

Dear Confused,
Head over to the Town Square any morning and check out the old fright with the blue chunk. If you don't look like her, you're fine.

Cheers, Theresa (the world's greatest couturier)
 
Dear Jeannie Theresa,

I'm so depressed. None of my wishes are coming true. I have a graduate degree, a great loving family, great health and a lot of friends. But I've been unemployed for a year, am unmarried, have no children and am behind on all my bills. Any thoughts on how to turn my life around?

Sad in Salem

Dear Sad,

Oh honey you've come to the right place! I've been so fortunate to be rewarded for bad behavior! I've stolen money twice, blackmailed people, been rude to my loving aunts and uncles and the kicker is I tried to murder my hopefully future father in law. :) Now, I'm part owner and Head Designer at fashion house Basic Black, I have an adorable baby boy and his daddy, the man of my dreams is in love with me!!!! How lucky am I?!?

Don't worry sweetie. Just take the bull by the horns and don't let anyone stop you and you'll get everything you want!!

Much love!

J. Theresa
 
Note to readers: With Jeannie Theresa and many other Salemites attending the Basic Black opening or dealing with the typical family health crisis, our guest columnist today is Mr. Xander Cook, who currently has time on his hands because he has the misfortune of being held at the Salem jail.

Dear Xander,
Recently, a huge amount of money was stolen from my family's bank accounts. My plan to regain the funds has been to "alter" my dear brother's mental attitude so he'll use his romanitic wiles on the sister of the miscreant so she'll reveal her whereabouts. What do you think?

Mr. A.

Dear A,
If I may say so, your plan is needlessly complicated. Why rely on your brother's questionable "luv" skills. Simply "alter" the mental attitude of the thief's sister so she'll tell you the wretched culprit's location as soon as she learns where it is. As they used to say on the Mr. Ed TV show: "Go right to the source and ask the horse.".

Your pal, Xander

P.S,, you can thank me for my great advice by bailing me out. That way I could shock everyone by appearing at the Basic Black event, and then go trolling in the bars and clubs to find a hottie to hook up with on New Year's Eve.
 
Notice to readers: We're in luck. Salem's newest lawyer, Belle Black, is today's guest columnist. Note that she can answer only hypothetical legal questions, not handle your real cases.

Dear Belle,
Suppose my friend's brother stole millions from his rotten, cranky old uncle who returns Christmas cards unopened and ruins Thanksgiving dinner with his stinky cigars and loud, ignorant opinions. If my friend was given half the money to hold, what should he do??

Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed,
Hmm, that's a toughie. Let me get back to you on this.

Belle

Dear Belle,
If somebody knew for sure that a monstrous person had caused the death of a loved one, but also knew that the cops would never get the evidence, would it be all right to shoot the monster?

Hopeless and Enraged

Dear Hopeless,
Legally it would be murder, but if it happened I'd love to take the case. I need the money and the publicity would be great.

Belle
 
Great news, Salem. Our guest columnist today is the legendary queen of the Brady Pub, Caroline Brady herself, so ask away!

Dear Caroline,
Today because of pressing business and the help taking the day off, I've had to leave my dear, elderly father, who's wheelchair bound, home alone. Sadly, there are those in this world who wish him ill. Was it ill-advised to leave Father home alone, even for an afternoon?

Mr. A.

Dear Mr. A.,
It certainly was thoughtless of you. My heart goes out to your poor old father, sitting alone with nobody to care for him, speak to him, or to protect him from the monsters who may be lurking in the shadows. Hopefully, you'll hustle yourself home immediately before something unfortunate happens to the dear old man.

Sternly, Caroline
 
PS: If you ever have to leave him alone again, please feel free to drop him by the pub. I would surely enjoy the company of lovely older gentleman and your father sounds like a nice man. I can assure you that I (and everyone else in my family) would treat him with the utmost kindness and respect.
 
Great news everyone, Ruffles McRed has pulled herself together and stopped weeping over the tragic death of her dear, wonderful egg-baby, Dr. Daniel Jonas, and can handle letters today.

Dear Ruffles McRed,
I'm an ex-convict who has paid his debt to society. I even got time off for good behavior. Sadly, today when I contacted my dear brother, I got a very, very cold shoulder. In fact, he was very rude to me. Any advice?

Mr. D.

Dear Mr. D.
Oh my, how awful. If everyone took that attitude here in Salem, half the town would be shunned by their family. For example When my dear Nicky was released from prison, we opened our hearts and home to him. Send me a PM. Perhaps, we would arrange for you to drop by my husband's beautiful home for some personal counseling. I'm sure he'd be glad to add his good sense to my words of wisdom.

Good luck, Ruffles McRed
 
Note to readers: With Ruffles McRed busily preparing for the much-delayed funeral of her sainted, super-duper egg-baby Dr. Daniel Jonas, Salem's own teller of inconvenient truths, Nanny Megan, will handle today's requests for advice. So ask away if you dare.

Dear Nanny Megan,
My dear, long-lost, semi-amnesiac, over-60 son has rejected me! :cry::cry::cry::cry:. And just because I gave him up for adoption and after his adoptive parents died, I stood by while he was dumped in an orphanage and later sent to a school for professional assassins. He even pointed a gun at me after I tried to drug him with a cup of tea. :cry: How can children be so cruel? :cry: How can I win back my darling baby boy?? :cry::cry:

Mrs. R., New Orleans

Hey you in New Orleans,
Good grief, you remind me of the late Weeping Will Horton. As for your son, he does sound like a bit of a dolt, but what did you expect? I've seen a lot a rotten mothers (Salem is full of them), but you go to the head of the class, even topping that idiotic screecher, Sami Brady. My advice is that if you ever want to reconcile with Mr. Lost Memory, try not to drug his tea if and when he ever visits you again.

Bluntly, Nanny Megan
 
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Note to readers: With much of Salem still in a state of shock over the death of the sainted Dr. Daniel Jonas, Nanny Megan has agreed to soldier on and handle today's requests for advice.

Dear Nanny Megan,
I'm truly in love with an sweet, beautiful, charming, tender, older lady, but now I've heard that she's kidnapped my mom and blackmailed my dad into helping her. This sounds bad, but hope springs eternal. Under the circumstances, do you think there still might be a chance for us? Please say yes.

Teen J.

Dear *%#@ for Brains Teen J.
I've heard a lot in my life, but your question takes the cake. Sorry, but here, the spring of hope has dried up. My advice is never, ever leave the house unless you're in the company of a responsible adult.

Good luck (you'll need it), Nanny Megan
 
Great news, readers. With her darling egg-baby properly sent off to eternity, Ruffles McRed is back today to answer your difficult questions. And don't worry about snark from Nanny Megan. She's vacationing in Florida this week.

Dear Ruffles McRed
I'm in a terrible jam. A relative who's been in jail for decades is blackmailing me into betraying my cranky old father. I've already done some things that I shouldn't have, and fear that I'll be asked to commit more disloyal acts. Should I ask my mother for help? She's pretty tough -- scary even.

Shaggy P.

Dear Shaggy P.,
Oh dear, you are in quite a mess. You probably should have confessed to your father before things got out of hand. But please don't bother your poor, dear old mother. She probably couldn't handle the stress. Instead, you should consult with my dear Victor. His family is always doing things to undermine him (most recently, that horrid Alexandros), so he'd have valuable insights for you. Send me a PM and I'll arrange an appointment with Victor. And don't be afraid. He seems grouchy, but is really an old cuddle bear.

Wisely, Ruffles McRed
 
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Great news fans! With Ruffles McRed reportedly bracing herself for the possible appearance of yet another previously unknown child, Detective Hope Brady of the Salem P.D. is here today to solve your legal and personal questions.

Dear Hope,
Recently, in a fit of rage or insanity, I killed a horrible person who has been tormenting me and my family for years. My good friend then helped me get rid of the body and generally cover things up. Now, I'm worried. What should I do?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,
Relax, the bum got exactly what he deserved. To soothe your frazzled nerves you might try ordering barbeque from that great place in Salem and then kick back and forget your worries. Believe me, it works.

Your pal, Hope
 
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