"Dear Ruffles McRed"....an advice column #2

Status
Not open for further replies.
Dear Ruffles McRed and Nanny Megan,

I'm in a tight spot. Nobody loves me, everybody hates me. They think that I'm a stone-cold killer, but I'm innocent. Any advice? I'm hiding out and desperate.

Never Wears a Tie

Dear Never

Oh, dear, things really aren't going well for you. My advice is to put your trust in our wonderful district attorney and the Salem P.D. Our new D.A. is a wise, fair-minded man, and our very own Salem P.D. is sure to ferret out the real killer. As for the alleged victims, are you sure that they're dead? My wonderful, charming, handsome egg-baby son is a physician who's so brilliant that he may have brought some or all of them back from the edge of eternity.

Wisely, Ruffles McRed

Dear Never Never Land,

Nobody loves you, everybody hates you? Have you considered going out in the garden and eating worms. They'd be better than the swill you'll soon be eating in the Salem jailhouse.

Ta, ta, Nanny Megan
 
PROMINENT SALEM BUSINESSMAN SNUBBED
Prominent members of Salem society have closed ranks against Club TBD owner Mr. Chadsworth DiMera. Mr. DiMera, the son of well-known international businessman Mr. Stefano DiMera, is suddenly persona non grata among Salem's elite. Mr. DiMera has been recently disinvited from Mayor Carver's elite Annual Benefit Ball, Ms. Giselle van Hopper's exclusive autumn tea dance, the Salem 50th Anniversary Fest, and the President of Salem University's annual white-tie Town-Gown dinner. No reasons have been given for Mr. DiMera being disinvited, but informed sources strongly suspect that it has something to do with him being the subject of the manhunt for the dreaded necktie killer. Mr. DiMera is unavailable for comment about his suddenly-reduced social status, but is reported to have recently resided at the Deveraux family fishing cabin.
 
Dear Ruffles McRed and Nanny Megan,

I am the necktie killer -- really. I can't help myself. What should I do before I kill again?

Hothead B.

Dear Hot,

Oh dear, you have really been a bad boy, and you've caused such heartache with your horrible crimes. My advice is to turn yourself in to that wonderful Detective Hernandez. He'll save you from any angry Salemites. Then, you need to see a good shrink. Sadly, Salem's best, Dr. Evans, won't be able to help you for obvious reasons. Once you land in state prison, I can forward you the names of some inmates who are former Salem residents who can clue you in on life behind bars.

Sternly, Ruffles McRed

Dear Head Case,

After you're arrested and a lynch mob arrives, look for me. I'll be the one with the pitchfork.

Drop dead, Nanny Megan
 
Last edited:
Dear Ruffles McRed and Nanny Megan,

I played a big role in orchestrating the purchase of a major company, but now my partners, two older and more experienced women, are treating me like a gofer. My friend suggested that for now, I go with the flow and bide my time, waiting for my talents to be appreciated. Is she right?

JTD

Dear J.

Oh my, your friend seems like a wise woman. Not like a certain brassy, hard-drinking, wrap-dress wearing female I sometimes see at the hospital and at my cuddle-bear Victor's wonderful club. I completely agree with her advice and wish you all the best.

Optimistically, Ruffles McRed

Dear Gofer,

Never say never. For once I actually agree with Ruffles McRed. I'd like to suggest that you kick these two idiot partners in the shins, but the big Ruff is right on this one. That said, I see nothing wrong with being brassy, knocking back a few (outside the nursery of course), and wearing wrap dresses. (Too many women in Salem dress as if they were heading for the piers to pick up sailors.)

Go get 'em, Nanny Megan
 
Dear Ruffles McRed and Nanny Megan,

I'm back in Salem because of the tragic death of my son. Everyone seems sad about his death, but they don't seem to realize that this is all about me. This includes my stoopid brother who was skeptical about the authenticity of a letter from my late smoochy-moochy. How can they be obtuse? I HATE them!

Best Mother

Dear Best,

Oh dear. Please accept my heartfelt condolences over the death of your beloved son. As for your friends and family, try to keep in mind that everyone grieves in their own way. If you're looking for spiritual advice you might try that nice priest at St. Luke's, Father Louis, or even that kindly, cheerful former priest Eric Brady. You can usually find him at the bar of my cuddle bear Victor's wonderful, homey club at the edge of the Square.

All the best, Ruffles McRed

Dear BM,

All about you? Are you kidding? You're living proof that tragic events also affect insensitive, clueless idiots. God help the people around you. For their sake, grow up.

Sorry about your son, Nanny Megan
 
Dear Nanny Megan,

You have a style that appeals to me. We should work together. Call me at 555-4321 between 3:00 and 5:00 (I have Campfire Girls from 5:00 to 6:00) to discuss a partnership of sorts. I think we could be beneficial to one another.

Sincerely, Pixie Princess

Dear Pixie,

If you are who I think you are, I'll meet you at Salem Park to discuss business. I hear you are the real mover and shaker in this town.

Nanny Megan
 
Dear Ruffles McRed and Nanny Megan,

Hi, it's me, Hothead B., again. I've now confessed to my fiancee that I'm the necktie killer, but instead of being kind and understanding, she's cruelly giving me odd looks. Since I'm afraid she'll run to the cops, I'm now holding her prisoner at one of Salem's many isolated cabins. I need advice on my next move.

Please help, Hothead B.

Dear Hothead B.,

Oh dear, things have gone from bad to worse since you last wrote. Accept the fact that you're sure to be caught. Commissioner Brady and Detective Hernandez are probably on your trail as I write. After you're caught, I suggest you hire that brilliant lawyer, the always-nice Aiden Jennings, and also seek counseling from somebody recommended by the wonderful Dr. Marlena Evans. And, as I said before, I know of some fine former Salemites in state prison who can show you the ropes after you arrive. Take heart, it won't be so bad. My dear Nicky learned how to be a great dishwasher while he was there.

Wisely, Ruffles McRed

Hey Creep,

Where's the cabin? Let me know so that I can lead some Salem vigilantes to your location. Because nobody has any faith in that idiot D.A. and the Salem cops, we'll give you just what you deserve. Ha, ha.

Your hours are numbered, Nanny Megan
 
Dear Ruffles McRed and Nanny Megan,

Today, my grouchy, billionaire great-grandfather said awful things about my mommy, calling her a "little tart" (whatever that means) and other cruel, nasty things. He also called cute little me "mommy's meal ticket," I'm crushed. How can I deal with this?

Please help, Crying in the Nursery,

Dear Crying,
Oh dear, your great-grandfather sounds like a horrible, horrible man. Imagine saying such things about a loving mother and an adorable little child. Perhaps, your great-grandfather should talk to my Victor. In the past, he often said truly mean things, but now he's one big cuddle bear. He might also want to talk to that wonderful psychiatrist, Dr. Marlena Evans, who always holds her tongue despite having the most impossible daughter in Salem history.

Good luck to you and your loving mother,
Ruffles McRed

Dear Crying,
Somebody should shove grouchy gramps down a flight of stairs. Granted this probably won't happen, but the old fool can't last forever and soon enough you, daddy, and mommy will be rolling in the big bucks. Take heart, the last laugh will be your's.

Hang in there, Nanny Megan
 
DrBakerFan said:
He might also want to talk to that wonderful psychiatrist, Dr. Marlena Evans, who always holds her tongue despite having the most impossible daughter in Salem history.
Click to expand...
Hey, Ruffles McDoody-Head,

I may not like my sister Belle, but you shouldn't say such bad things about her.

I HATE YOU!

Sami Brady DiMera
 
Dear Ruffles McRed and Nanny Megan,

I just stole a bundle from the bank accounts of some very bad people who caused the death of my darling smoochy-moochy, the finest man who ever lived. Having all this money has me a bit dazed and confused. Any suggestions on what I ought to do with it since obviously I can't give it back.

Salem's Best Mother

Dear Best,

Oh dear. Ruffles McRed always believes that honesty is the best policy. When I first moved into the beautiful Kiriakis mansion, I was appalled to see that many of the towels came from the finest hotels in the world. (My dear Victor was a bit light-fingered in his younger days.) I suggest that you donate the money to the many fine charities here in Salem.

Wisely, Ruffles McRed

Hey Worst,

Smoochy-moochy? If you are who I think you are, you're going to spend half your bundle on Truly Radiant products and the other half at Tiffany's, Bulgari, van Cleef & Arpels, and Hermes of Paris. If you've taken the money from whom I think you have, my advice is to hire a squad of bodyguards, buy the best bullet-proof vest on the market, and move to some place that nobody has ever heard of.

Good luck -- you'll need it, Nanny Megan
 
Dear Ruffles McRed and Nanny Megan,

I am a handsome older gentleman who used to enjoy great success with the ladies, but am currently suffering through a record drought. I have an important job and earn a good living, but just can't find true love. Any advice?

Kissless Wonder

Dear Wonder,

I suggest that you rush right over to the Kiriakis mansion and have a talk with my darling Victor. He's a distinguished, silver-haired gent who's had much success with the ladies despite the fact that he's on the long side of age 70. And as proof, he persuaded me to marry him!

Good luck, Ruffles McRed

Hey Kissless,

If you are who I think you are you and are truly desperate, you should reciprocate the interest of that snooty socialite, Giselle van Hopper. Any port in a storm, I always say -- with one important exception. Steer clear of that creature with the blue chunk. She's poison -- literally.

Nanny Megan
 
Note to readers: With Ruffles McRed tending to the frazzled nerves of her dear husband and Nanny Megan busy giving baby care advice to Abigail Deveraux, Mr. Andre DiMera has kindly agreed to take over the column today.

Dear Andre,
My Town Square business is about to go belly up. Salemites are too busy gossiping, scheming, and ranting to buy Christmas gifts. Any advice?

Desperate

Dear Desperate,
Use your location to your advantage. Foolish Salemites are always spilling their darkest, dirtiest secrets out loud in the Town Square. Listen in, and you're sure to get enough information to successfully blackmail large numbers of them.

Good luck, Andre

Dear Andre,
I'm deeply in love with a woman, but because of my past misdeeds she no longer wants anything to do with me. Help!

Unlucky in Love

Dear Lover,
Treat her in the shabbiest way you possibly can, and she'll soon be calling you her smoochy-moochy. This worked very well for my dear, late brother Elvis.

Here's to romance, Andre
 
Last edited:
Dear Andre,

I stole money from someone and it's about to be discovered. What should I do??

Thief in the Night

Dear Thief,

Blame it on someone else and if no one believes you, frame them. Unless, of course, you're Samantha Brady. In that case, you better return the money you stole, you toothbrush pushing idiot.

Smilingly, Andre
 
DrBakerFan said:
Note to readers: With Ruffles McRed tending to the frazzled nerves of her dear husband and Nanny Megan busy giving baby care advice to Abigail Deveraux, Mr. Andre DiMera has kindly agreed to take over the column today.
Click to expand...
Note to readers: With Ruffles McRed and Nanny Megan still busy, we're happy to announce that famous Salem P.D. detective Hope Brady will be providing advice today.

Dear Hope,
I suspect that like most rotten Salem men, my husband is cheating on me with some tramp. What should I do?

Angry Wife

Dear Angry,
Simple. Get a revolver, put one bullet in a chamber, spin the cylinder, and stick the gun in his face. He'll fess up in nothing flat. Then it's up to you whether to pull the trigger.

Hope

Dear Hope,
I recently bought two blueberry muffins at Martha's Muffins, but when I got home and sliced them in half, they had almost no berries. How should I handle this?

Berryless

Dear Berry,
Don't waste your time complaining -- get revenge.

Hope
 
Dear Detective Brady,

My husband is a lazy loser. He won't do anything I ask. I'm tired of nagging him to take out the garbage, fix the leaky sink and put up the new fence. How can get my husband off his rear-end?

End of My Rope

Dear Rope,

I find a taser to be most effective. Believe me, if you use a taser, you won't have to ask him to do something twice.

Hope
 
Dear Aunt Hope,

My darling husband was murdered suddenly last year and I'm still devastated. Even though he raped me and kidnapped our daughter at one, lying that she had died. He also had previously forced me to marry him to end a family feud. But he is still the current love of my life. Now I have evidence that he may be alive. What should I do?

Your Favorite Niece

Dear Samantha,

First of all, my favorite niece is Carrie because she is perfect. Second of all, my advice to you is to RUN as far away as possible from the Dimeras. And finally, stay away Rafe Hernandez. I have a good feeling he's moved on finally.

Hope
 
Dear Hope,

I'm devastated. My marriage is over. On our wedding night, my brand new husband accidentally called me by his ex-girlfriend's name. What should I do??

New Bride

Dear Bride,

He called you by the wrong name on your wedding night? And your marriage is over?? Come back to me after he's tried to kill you, then we'll talk. In the meantime, grow up, you whiny brat.

Hope
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top