"Dear Ruffles McRed"....an advice column #2

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Dear Ruffles McRed,

Much to my distress, I feel as if I'm turning into a typical Salem busybody. Just recently, I removed a pregnancy test box from a young woman's waste basket so her hotheaded boyfriend wouldn't see it. Then, I dropped by a friend's apartment to discuss his tangled love life. This shouldn't be -- a handsome lawyer is in love with me and my wonderful, precocious daughter needs my attention. Any advice?

The former Mrs. B.B.

Dear Former,

Oh, dear. The last thing Salem needs are more intrusive, nosy busybodies. They're the pits. You should follow my simple Ruffles McRed rule. If you're tempted to intrude into the lives of others, just count to ten and then go home and bake some cookies. It works. Nobody would ever call Ruffles McRed a busybody. Also, make sure you are there for your daughter. Don't be like that mouthwash huckster, Sami Brady, who always dumped her children on her saintly grandmother.

Optimistically, Ruffles McRed
 
As many readers know, Ruffles McRed is very busy these days caring for her adorable great-grandchild, Tater Tot. Kindly filling in is Salem's well-known Nanny Megan.

Dear Nanny Megan,
I've forgiven my fiancee for kissing her old love when they were trapped and believed they were about to die. Did I do the right thing?
Wonder Doc

Dear Wonder,
You forgave her for something she almost did when she thought death was imminent? If you're lucky she'll forgive you for being such an idiot.
Nanny Megan

Dear Nanny Megan,
My dear daughter won't forgive me for sleeping with her boyfriend five times. What should I do?
E.L.

Dear E.L.
Salem is full of awful mothers, but you take first prize. What should you do? Go see a very good psychiatrist because you are truly a sick woman.
Nanny Megan

Dear Nanny Megan,
I seduced a certain young lady and then said remarkably hateful things to her. Now I want her back. Do I have a chance?
Rich and Troubled

Dear Rich,
Gee, you're a creep. That said, ordinarily, you'd have no chance, but Salemites have remarkably poor judgment, such as the woman who married her rapist and the kidnapper of her baby. Therefore, I'd say you probably can't miss.
Nanny Megan
 
Dear Nanny Megan,
I didn't trust my girlfriend so I installed a tracking app on her phone. Wasn't this a good idea.
Bartender B.

Dear B.
No it wasn't a good idea. I'd suggest you stay clear of relationships until you develop some common sense and a higher level of decency. As of now, you're just another Salem creep.
Nanny Megan

Dear Nanny Megan,
I'm afflicted with serious moral problems, which affects my behavior, and now I fear that my friends are starting to think that I'm a sourpuss. Any advice?
Troubled Catholic

Dear Troubled,
You are a serious sourpuss. Get over yourself and give everyone around you a break before your frown lines become permanent.
Nanny Megan

Dear Nanny Megan,
There's a scheming woman in Salem whom I really hate, but all my revenge plans go awry. What should I do?
Bluebird

Dear Bluebird,
Quit hating. Salemites love to hate and it shows. As for revenge, leave it to the professionals. You're clearly not very good at it.
Nanny Megan
 
Dear Nanny Megan,

I know all of the deepest, darkest secrets of everyone in Salem. I carry all of this incriminating evidence in my cute little pink backpack. No one even suspects me. I fly under the radar, until I crave a shopping spree at Baron's. Then I strike. Do you have any advice on what I should do when I grow up?

Pixie Princess

Dear Pixie,

Yes.... work with me and we will rule Salem in a way that will have everyone at our feet, out of fear and admiration.

Nanny Megan
 
Dear Nanny Megan,

Even though I reside in glorious Hollywood, I am Salem's Greatest Mother. What can I do to make sure my seven little kids know that they have the greatest mother who ever walked this earth?

Truly Radiant

Dear "Radiant",

From what I've heard about you, the best thing you can do for your THREE little children is send them to be with Lucas Horton and Rafe Hernandez, permanently.

Nanny Megan

Reply from Truly Radiant:

Shut up! I HATE YOU!
 
Dear Nanny Megan,
I'm an enterprising sort who sells certain controlled substances to eager Salemites. I'm also trying to ensure that my son gets hitched to a possible heiress by "fixing" a paternity test. Unfortunately, narrow minded, uncooperative people keep getting in my way. Any advice?
Poplar Bluff

Dear Poplar,
My advice is to do everyone a favor and drop dead.
Nanny Megan

Dear Nanny Megan,
Annoying people who I can't stand for very good reasons keep barging into my palatial residence. And they sometimes don't leave because my always-cheerful wife gives them her tasty home-baked cookies. I'm at my wit's end. My golden years shouldn't be this stressful. What should I do?
Mr. Money Bags

Dear Bags,
Have you ever thought of locking your front door? P.S., to show your appreciation for my advice, how about sending me a box of those cookies.
Nanny Megan
 
Dear Nanny Megan,

I'm so incredibly amazing and perfect that I just proposed to the current love of my life and successfully manipulated her into saying yes. What should I do next?

Doc McScruffins

Dear McScruff,

First, you should shave and get a haircut. Second, let that poor girl go. I suggest you go manipulate that Jennifer Horton again.

Meg

Dear Nanny Megan,

I just named my child after a side dish. Isn't that unique?

Mama T

Dear Mama T,

Is that you again Theresa Donovan? Only a horrible mother would name her kid Tater Tot. I suggest you consider a different career and life path you fool.

Nanny Megan
 
Dear Nanny Megan,

I'm a successful business owner who's happily married to the man of my dreams. Recently, my ex returned to town, and my husband cheated on me, and I told my ex to move on so I could work on my marriage. Now, my ex has moved on, and I think I might have feelings for him. What should I do?

Signed, TBD

Dear TBD,

Wow you sound wishy-washy! I think you should pack your bags and head to Phoenix. The climate will dry you out, and it's just a day trip to Las Vegas, where you can play Keno all day long. Maybe you'll have better luck picking numbers than picking men.

Nanny Megan
 
Dear Nanny Megan,

I'm the only surviving son of a criminal dynasty, and I'm hopelessly in love with a local girl. To keep her from harm's way because of my family, I called her a pathetic *bleep*. I can't live without her, though, and I need to know how to win her back from her bumpkin boyfriend. I've already told her that I lied to her, and that I lied to her about lying to her, but for some reason, she's not ready to forgive me.

Signed,

Angsty Young CEO

Dear Angsty,

Any girl that would be stupid enough to go back to you after how you say you've treated her has no self-respect. Then again, this is a common thing in Salem. It seems you have two choices: Lose the girl, or lose your family. One is a lot harder to cut ties with than the other. Since you're smart enough to be a big-shot executive, you should be able to figure out which.

Nanny Megan
 
Dear Nanny Megan,

I'm a hard-working college student who ran away from an abusive childhood. Recently, my father has come back into my life, and proven to me that he's changed, like by showing me an app that will track my girlfriend and by giving me an expensive ring to propose to her with. I love her, but I'm not sure I'm ready for marriage. What should I do?

Signed,

The Price Is Right but the Time is Wrong

Dear Price,

It's a good thing I don't know who you are. I'd have to resist the urge to slap you upside the head because I can't abide another disorderly conduct charge. I'm glad you're in college because you sound as dumb as a box of rocks. Drop the app, pawn the ring, and ditch your daddy, dummy!

Nanny Megan
 
Dear Nanny Megan,
I've just learned that my ex-husband is now engaged to the biggest man-trap in Salem, which means she'll be living with my little train-loving son. I'm really incensed that neither one of them has had the common decency to instantly inform me. Now, I'm trying to think of good ways to tell them off. Any ideas?
Chicago Torch Singer

Dear Torch,
OMG, another drama queen with an taste for "confrontations." My advice is to go jump in Lake Michigan and cool off.
Nanny Megan

Dear Nanny Megan,
I had a promising career with the FBI, and when I was reassigned to Salem I became involved with a series of local women. To make a long story short, I'm now reduced to being a glorified bartender. Where did I go wrong?
The Big R.

Dear Big R.
Where did you go wrong? It's simple -- you stayed in Salem, which like "The House of the Rising Sun" has been the ruin of many a poor boy. My advice is to regain your self-esteem by using your skills to singlehandedly end the Salem drug trade, and if you ever feel down, to discreetly sample some of your employer's alcoholic beverages and enjoy a big bag of pork rinds.
Nanny Megan
 
Dear Nanny Megan,
I work in a loony bin, At my hospital, everybody literally worships a scruffy surgeon who rarely operates, half the board members are career criminals, the P.R. person rarely comes to work except to rant at somebody, some young women administrators are essentially tramps, the H.R. person always wears wrap dresses and plots against people whom she hates, a former doctor worked as a male stripper, proper medical procedures are rarely followed, and the chief administrator is utterly clueless. Any advice?
Young Doc

Dear Young,
Why are you surprised? This is Salem. Start sending out resumes before you sink to your co-workers' level.
Nanny Megan

Dear Nanny Megan,
My police career is a joke. The Commissioner spends all his time on family matters and hiding from a wealthy socialite, another department big shot once lost an election to EJ DiMera of all people, the lead detective is an ex-convict, and another detective is a moonlighting millionaire. In addition, criminals mock us because we rarely make arrests, and many of the few people we apprehend easily escape. Any advice.
Ambitious Cop

Dear Ambitious,
Check my advice above to Young Doc.
Nanny Megan
 
Dear Nanny Megan,
I used to live in Salem, but am now located in a boring Swiss city with my equally boring husband. I'm still obsessed with a handsome, sexy former police officer with whom I used to work. Once, after (boring) sex with my husband, I went to the Town Square to look for him. Now that my nasty, horrid, stupid sister is in Hollywood, I'm thinking of returning to Salem and reconnecting with my true love. What do you think?
Lost Cat Lawyer

Dear Lost Cat,
OMG, another Salem hag with a cheatin' heart! Do everyone a favor and stay where you are -- if the locals will have you!
Nanny Megan

Dear Nanny Megan,
I'm the son of a Salem billionaire, who moved to Chicago after many unpleasant experiences -- mainly with women. Recently, I've been wondering if I should return someday. Is this a good idea?
Philly K.

Dear Philly,
If you're the son of Victor Kiriakis, think twice, no, three times, about this. If you're another one of Stefano DiMera's surprise sons, run for your life.
Nanny Megan
 
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Dear Ruffles McRed,

I am appalled that you are taking time off and allowing that rude, crude Nanny Megan to say insensitive things to your readers. If I wasn't laid up with a broken ankle, I'd go confront that Nanny Megan the way any good Salem mother would.

Angrily, First-Time Mother

Dear First-Time,

Nanny Megan calls 'em like she sees 'em. Obviously you are one of those people who can't handle the truth. Some of the most well-adjusted children in Salem grew up under the care of Nanny Megan, but based on the nasty tone of your letter, you weren't one of them. That said, all is not lost. If you send me a personal message, I will give you Nanny Megan's contact information so that your child won't grow up to be somebody like you.

Sternly,
Ruffles McRed
 
Dear Ruffles McRed and Nanny Megan,

I've just gotten engaged, and now my fiancee has announced that she's pregnant. Because of my electronic snooping I know for a fact that she'd recently slept with another guy the day before I bedded her, so I'm wondering if the kid is really his. Any advice?

BW

Dear BW,

Oh dear, your snooping has put you in a difficult spot, but you should take heart because uncertain paternity is a way of life in Salem. Take for example my darling, perfect egg-baby. His dear little son, Parker, was originally thought to be the son of another man. In the end, everything was sorted out to the satisfaction of all concerned.

Knowingly,
Ruffles McRed

Dear Stupid BW,

Sorry, but I can't agree with my pal, Ruffles. You deserve what you're getting because of your creepy snooping. That said, if the kid's not your's, dump the tramp. She sounds as if she's just as bad as that promiscuous, much-married Sami Brady and that harlot Abigail Deveraux, the girl who slept and showered with Sami's most recent husband, EJ DiMera.

Realistically,
Nanny Megan
 
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Dear Nanny Megan,
My mom and dad scare the poo out of me. And the man that is supposedly my granddad just hired a murderer to work in the garden where I'm supposedly going to play when I'm bigger. Please take me with you and run as far away as you can. I don't want them to find me. Can we take Parker too? He says his mom and dad are crazy.

Sincerely,
Tiny one

Dear Tiny one,
Oh sweetie, I love you so much. I'll gladly take you with me. Let's go! Your mom and dad are so busy fighting and trying to bust each other, they'd hardly know you were gone. And yes, Parker can come too. In a few months we'll come back all grown and stuff like all the other kids in Salem that disappear for a week.

Love you tater bug.
Nanny Megan
 
Dear Nanny Megan,

I write a popular advice column for a local publication. Recently, I took some time off, and a lovely lady filled in for me. But now, she won't take the hint that I'm back, and continues to offer her low-class advice to my dedicated readers. How do I tell her to move on without invoking her ire?

Cautiously, Ripples O'Rouge

Dear Ripples,

Sometimes people NEED to hear the hard truth - that's what I deliver! There are enough troubled souls in Salem for two advice columnists, surely! If you can't accept that, I'd suggest you pack it in and stick to trying to win over your enemies with a phony smile and a batch of cookies.

Cordially, Nanny Megan
 
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Dear Ruffles McRed & Nanny Megan,

I'm a good-looking, usually well-dressed young gent with a charming English accent. For some years now, I've been faithfully working on high-end business matters for an older relative. Now this man had unjustifiably demoted me to shoveling manure and even used the word "worthless" to describe both me and my beloved, late father!! And to add insult to injury, I'm now being railroaded for a crime that I didn't commit because of a lying, scheming witch of an in-law. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm desperate.

The X-man

Dear X,

Oh my, your tale is certainly a sad one, even in Salem where misfortune is everywhere. My advice is to purchase a box of my home-baked cookies at a quality retailer in your neighborhood, and then enjoy them with some nice warm milk. After your legal difficulties are cleared up, you might want to speak to my beloved Victor. With his years of life experience and gentle, loving ways, he's the perfect person to give wise, useful career advice to the younger generation.

Optimistically, Ruffles McRed

Hey X-rated,

Look in the mirror. You may find that your relative is 100% correct and that manure-shoveling is a good career choice. In any case, try using your sob story on the foolish young women who populate Salem's clubs. One of them might even fall for it.

Nanny Megan
 
Dear Ruffles McRed and Nanny Megan,

I've made a few faux pas in the past few years, which has turned the man of my dreams completely against me. Now, he won't even help me achieve my lifelong dream of owning a major designer house. How can I get him to recognize the real me?

Desperately, JTD

Dear J,

How sad. If only more people followed my motto of forgive and forget. My advice is to talk to my wonderful grandson, Brady, who's had serious problems with a woman. He could tell you what you need to do to win back your true love. As for your career dream, my darling Victor is the man to talk to. He's an accomplished businessman who has all the answers. Who knows, after he's heard your dreams of designer glory, he just might lend you the money that you need to get started.

Wisely, Ruffles McRed

Dear Desperate Doo-Doo Head,

Have you ever considered that the real you is a cheap, conniving gold-digger whose business ambitions are a silly pipe dream? Good luck with staying out of jail or avoiding the fate of Serena Mason.

Nanny Megan
 
Dear Ruffles McRed and Nanny Megan,

Recently, I was shocked to learn that my fiance secretly placed a tracking app on my phone. Does this mean that he really loves me so much he wants to know where I am at all times or is it a sign of a serious lack of trust?

Ms. Perfect

Dear Ms. Perfect,

Oh dear, this is a tough one. So many Salemites do rash things in the name of love. I suggest that you contact Sami Brady out in Hollywood. She's had much experience with impulsive acts that relate to matters of the heart. If Sami is unavailable because of her commitment to Truly Radiant products, drop by the Kiriakis mansion and speak to my cuddle-bear, Victor. He's had so many unsuccessful marriages and disappointing relatives that he'd surely have insights into your situation.

Confidently, Ruffles McRed

Hey (Im)Perfect,

Wake up and face reality, the guy is a creepy stalker. Kick him where it will hurt the most and then find yourself somebody better. Men in Salem aren't much, but almost any one of them would be an improvement over this loser.

Nanny Megan
 
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