Facebook posts and Tweets from Salemites, Part 23

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Facebook post by the trashy tabloid the Salem Intruder: Great news, Intruder readers. Our new issue is now available. Check out these amazing articles.

Livin' on a Prayer: Victor Kiriakis's Sad Life Without His Billions!

Tales from the 1950s: How Handsome, Mysterious Farmhand Noah Left Dozens of Local Teen Girls in a Family Way! They Thought He Was Elvis!

California Grifters in Salem: The Awful Facts That the Salem P.D. Doesn't Want You to Know!

Jawdropping Revelations About Officer Lani: She's Not Much of a Cop and May Not Be Our Mayor's Secret Daughter!

Bigfoot Is in the Salem Forest Preserve: A Truly Shocking Report from the Resident Bear!

Salem's Worst Father: Ugly Revelations About Hard-Hearted Hal as Told by His Wayward Daughter!
 
Facebook post by Sami: :rotfl:My doodyhead sister, Belle, has finally confessed what I knew all along -- she's a failure at being a wife, mother, and daughter, unlike me who's the good twin, loyal daughter, dedicated mother to my indeterminate number of children, and a loving wife to my darling changed smooch-moochy! P.S., Eric is a jailbird loser and Carrie is a hag, just like that aging tramp, Kate!

Reply from Marlena: Sami, dear. We really need to talk. Where are you anyway?

Reply from Roman: Dammit, Sami. Give your siblings a break for once.

Reply from John: Sami, you're no bargain yourself and that's a fact.

Reply from Sami: SHUT UP, you doodyheaded life ruiner. I HATE you!
 
Reply from Sami: Cassie? Rex? You two aren't worth remembering. People complain that I'm missing in action, but you two have been gone for over ten years without a peep. Talk about a double standard. Anyway, you doodyheads are creepy space aliens (I'll bet by now that you look like ET :rotfl:) and I don't believe for a minute that my Daddy is your father. I HATE you!

Reply from Roman: Dammit, Sami, is there anyone in our family you won't talk trash about?

Reply from Sami: Of course not, I'm the good twin and it's my duty to speak unwelcome truths. If I've missed anyone in the family tree send me an updated list and I'll weigh in on them.
 
Reply from Andrew Donovan: Glad she doesn't remember me.

Reply from Max Brady: Me, too.

Reply from Frankie Brady: Me, three.

Reply from Baby-No-Name Reed: I hope Mommy and Daddy never tell this mean auntie my name.
 
Just Samantha said:
Reply from Andrew Donovan: Glad she doesn't remember me.

Reply from Max Brady: Me, too.

Reply from Frankie Brady: Me, three.

Reply from Baby-No-Name Reed: I hope Mommy and Daddy never tell this mean auntie my name.
Click to expand...

Reply from Sami: Are you people kidding? You doodyheads aren't even worth mentioning much less HATING. Cousin Andrew Donovan? I'd forgotten about you. You're such a non-entity that you don't rate any space in my scintillating messages. Max? Forget you. You can't compare to a real man like my darling smoochy-moochy. You're the creepy body snatcher who invested in some stoopid airline that failed ages ago. Gee you're dumb. Uncle Frankie -- you're that nobody with bad taste in women. Imagine any guy with a lick of sense being attracted to Jenny. Yuck. As for you, Baby-No-Name, who cares what your name is. Your mother is a total hag and your father is so dumb that he doesn't even know that he's alive. Ask him about the time he tried to teach at Salem U. :rotfl:Good luck to you. With the parents you have, you'll need it -- badly.

Reply from Marlena: Sami dear, did you ever consider seeing somebody about your relationship problems?

Reply from Sami: No chance. I'm perfect, it's just that my family consists of unbearable doodyheads. My dozen or so children think that I'm the world's greatest mother (which I am) and wherever he is, my darling, changed smoochy-moochy, EJ, thinks that I'm his "sweet hot." P.S., isn't that life ruiner, John Black, due for another coma soon?
 
Reply from Marlena: Sami, dear, John and his son almost died from a rare virus. Same with Gabi and Arianna. We also lost a beloved model and photographer. Please honey, try to be a little nicer.

Reply from Sami: John and his stoopid son almost died? Good! Wish they would have. They are useless lumps of flesh. As far as Gabi and Arianna, you must be mistaken, mom. They are 2 of my kids with EJ, and they are with me, happy and healthy as can be. For someone who's supposed to be so smart, you are so stoopid sometimes.
 
Great news, Salem. You once again can get your weekly fix from the Salem Intruder. Check out this week's articles.

Meet Deimos Kiriakis: Salem Tycoon's Remarkable Rise to Wealth and Power!

There Goes Summer: Heavily-Armed Raccoons Drive Vacationers from Smith Island!

Make Love Not War (on Crime): The Salem P.D. Spends More Time on Love Affairs Than Catching Crooks! Amazing Details!

The Mysterious Yo-Daddy Flu: Was It All Just University Hospital Hype? No Comment from Dr. Dingo!

Kate Roberts Brady Poisoned Me: A Former Salemite Speaks Out! Could You Be Next?

Inside California's Scorpion Gang Cult: Shocking Revelations by a Local Youth!

Community Service?: It's Another Case of Coddling Salem's Teen Punks!

Who's Your Customer?; Edge of the Square Hosts Salem's Drug Lords!
 
DrBakerFan said:
There Goes Summer: Heavily-Armed Raccoons Drive Vacationers from Smith Island!
Click to expand...
Raccoon-Soldier-22778.jpg
 
Facebook post from Aunt Simone's Scorpion Commune: Teens are you sick of your oppressive, clueless parents and your boring, stupid classes? Are all the other kids at your high school losers, nerds, dorks, and geeks? If so, why wait? Drop everything and get yourself out to our commune in the Mohave Desert, not far from L.A. Here, under guidance of the wise Aunt Simone, you can live among like-minded individuals, enjoy free meals and controlled substances, and learn a useful life skill such as armed robbery or shoplifting. And don't worry about snoopy parents. If, by chance, one shows up. we know just how to handle them. Check out our website and hope to see you soon.

Reply from Sami: Hey losers, You'll never see any of my ten (estimate) children. They are happy and well adjusted because I'm Salem's best mother and the good twin. P.S., I think that I HATE you!

Reply from Ghost Stefano: Fools, you do realize that a "commune" in the twenty-first century is absurd, yes?

Reply from Roman: Dammit, Simone. If you dare open up a branch near Salem, I'll shut you down in a heartbeat.

Reply from John: That's a fact.
 
Facebook post by Dr. Fynn Thompson: I'm the handsome, well-built (check out my photos), very personable physician from Australia who is valiantly trying to fill the shoes of the sainted medical miracle-worker, Dr. Daniel Jonas. As you may know, I too am I medical genius, and my latest heroics include a leading role in ending the deadly Yo-Daddy Flu epidemic. Sadly, despite my charms, since arriving in Salem I haven't had much luck in the love department. Recently, I was even reduced to putting the moves on a fellow doctor who is many years my senior. (What was I thinking?) Accordingly, I am seeking young, attractive ladies for a romantic dinner; a stroll in Salem Park; a spin in my magic Fynnmobile; or even a hot tryst at my place, Martin House, the Salem Inn, or a fine Chicago hotel suite. So how about it ladies, are you interested in a fling with a hunk from Down Under? P.S., I am serious about seeking only young women. The likes of the scheming Kate Roberts Brady, screechy Sami Brady, ranting Jennifer Deveraux, and socialite Giselle van Hopper need not apply.
 
Reply from Sami: How dare you say I need not apply??? I AM Salem's best mother (just ask my 5, 8, or 10 kids), Salem's best business woman, the Good Twin of Salem, as well as I have the brightest smile in the land, thanks to Truly Radiant products! How could you NOT want to be with me?? You can go kick rocks and suck on lemons you stoopid Bingo-Dingo! I HATE you!! :angry:
 
Reply from Fynn: Your daft reply just proves my point. Why would my handsome bachelor self want to hook up with a woman with 5-10 children :sick:, who's pining for slimeball EJ DiMera :sick:, whose business "success" is based on stealing millions from the aforementioned DiMeras :eek:, and whose fangs owe their glow to Truly Radiant products? :sick: I've also heard that you're a grandmother, and unlike Rafael Hernandez, I'm not into granny sex :eek:. Gotta go, I've got to reply to messages from some young, hot nurses from Salem's other hospital, St. Francis. :)
 
Here you are, Salemites. This week's issue of the Salem Intruder, the only paper that dares to tell the truth about what's going on in our fair city. Check out this week's hard-hitting articles.

The Yo-Daddy Flu: Is It Really Gone? Should You Worry? What You Need to Know!

Professional Assassin Retires to Salem!: Could You Be Caught in the Crossfire When His Old Enemies Come Calling? The Best Places to Hide If the Bullets Fly!

The Salem P.D.: Is It Really the Worst Police Force in America? Our Shocking Report!

What's Really in the Brady Pub's Chowder? The Remarkable Results of Our Scientific Analysis Won't Please Caroline Brady!

Chad DiMera Hires Convicted Teen Vandal as a Live-in Nanny: What's Actually Going on in the Mysterious Mansion? Is Baby Thomas in Danger?

Tainted Love: Imprisoned Drug Kingpin Clyde Weston's Shocking Revelations About His Sordid Affair with Kate Roberts Brady!

Mayor Abe Carver: Just What Does He Really Do All Day? Jaw-Dropping Revelations by City Hall Insiders!

Screechy Sami Brady: Just How Deafening Is She Anyway: The Intruder's Acoustical Experts' Definitive Report!
 
Dear Ms. Brady,

We have received your rude note. Please be assured that you do indeed screech. Our experts have examined many audio recordings in which your voice almost reached the level needed to break glass. So, please, go ahead and sue us. Truth is a complete defense and we'd love the publicity. As for your so-called smoochy-moochy, if you ever find him, he may have trouble understanding you. After years of being the object of your screeching, he's probably hearing impaired.

Salem Intruder Editorial Staff
 
Tweet from the detective whose job was saved when Bo Brady left the Salem P.D. to members of his "Mock D.A. Kiriakis" (formerly "Mock Rafe") group: Guess what? Detective Lani has disappeared.

Reply from Member No. 1: If this was a few years ago, I'd suspect she'd been kidnapped by the DiMeras. But now?

Reply from Member No. 2: Maybe Fearless Leader Roman found out she wasn't really Mayor Abe's long-lost daughter and fired her.

Reply from Member No. 3: Perhaps, she left because lover-boy Shawn Brady lost interest in her and went back to his shyster lawyer wife.

Reply from Member No. 4: Maybe she developed amnesia or is in a coma. They're both amazingly common in Salem. Ask John Black about that.

Reply from Member No. 1: Could it be that she ran off to Chicago with record label wannabe Philly Kiriakis. I heard he was looking for a new main squeeze.

Reply from Memger No. 3: Maybe she fell into the Salem River or is trapped in a crawl space in the Titan Building.

Reply from Member 2: Why ask why? This is Salem. People just go poof. That's how it is. Let's go to the Pub for beers and listen in on the gossip.
 
Reply from Sami: You doodyheads! How can you be so cold and callus when my daughter Lani has disappeared from Salem??

Reply from Roman: Dammit, Sami! Lani isn't your daughter!

Reply from Sami: Ummmm, Daddy, you need to get with it. She is too one of my 9 children with my darling changed smoochy-moochy. Why you can't keep your grandkids straight is beyond me. :rolleyes:
 
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