Facebook posts and Tweets from Salemites, Part 23

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Facebook post by Salem's trashy tabloid, the Intruder: Hold on to your hats, readers. You won't believe the secrets revealed in this week's Intruder!

Custody Outrage: Shameless Pill Addict Seeks to Snatch Child from Loving Dad!

Andre DiMera's New Home: What Horrors Lie Within!

Bat Boy Spotted in Salem's Tunnels: Reliable Witnesses Speak Out!

Teen Nanny Rips Jennifer Deveraux: You Won't Believe What She Said!

Who Took Tater Tot?: The Intruder Is on the Case!

Meet the Woman Who Wants to Kiss Commissioner Roman Brady: You'll Never Guess Her Identity!

Kate Roberts Brady Storms Out of Kiriakis Mansion: The Shocking Reasons Why!

The Day the Music Died: The Stunning Truth About Why Philip Kiriakis's New Record Label Flopped!
 
DrBakerFan said:
Facebook post by Salem's trashy tabloid, the Intruder: Hold on to you hats, readers. You won't believe the secrets revealed in this week's Intruder!

Meet the Woman Who Wants to Kiss Commissioner Roman Brady: You'll Never Guess Her Identity!
Click to expand...

Reply from Roman: I can't believe I wasted my money on your magazine to find out who wants to
kiss me. The article only mentioned my mother.
 
katmouse said:
Reply from Roman: I can't believe I wasted my money on your magazine to find out who wants to kiss me. The article only mentioned my mother.
Click to expand...
Dear Commissioner Brady,
We must have surprised you, right? I'll bet you thought we were going to run a profile of Giselle van Hopper. In any case, it's good to see that you're an Intruder reader. By the way, would you be interested in a group subscription for your police officers. Since they're always too busy with their personal lives to do police work, reading the Intruder regularly would let them know what's really going on in Salem.

Sincerely,
The Editors
 
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Just Samantha said:
Reply from Kate Roberts: Bat Boy? A new male in Salem?? Just how old is this "boy"??? Does he have money??
Click to expand...
Dear Ms. Roberts,
Thank you for your interest in our article. A photo of Bat Boy is below. If you're interested in a relationship with him, please let us know. We might be able to arrange an introduction. (We hear that he's into women with blue chunks and who uses Countess W cosmetics.)

Sincerely,
The Editors

batboy.jpg
 
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Tweet from Titan employee: Ding, dong, the witch is gone. The wicked witch is gone!

Reply from Titan employee no. 2: Which old witch?

Reply from Titan employee no. 3: Who else? Kate Roberts Brady. Deimos Kiriakis has kicked her butt, three pounds of jewelry, and blue chunk right out of Titan.

Reply from Titan employee no. 4: Thank goodness. She made the snarky, grouchy Old Man Kiriakis look like Mr. Sunshine and his son, sad-sack Philip, look like a responsible adult.

Reply from Titan employee No. 2: And crooked Ian McAllister look like an honest man.

Reply from Titan employee No. 3: Bring back Brady Black. It will be fun, fun, fun again. He was always too busy with his love life and assorted addictions to show up for work.

Reply from Titan employee No. 1: Let's hope so. In the meantime, let's all go over to the Pub for a victory party for the ages -- beer, chowder, and Wanchai Ferry Chinese food for everyone!
 
Tweet from Jenny: Chad is an unfit parent! Unfit! Unfit! He's a DiMera! It's in his blood!

Reply from Theo: Oh yeah, what about my Mom?

Reply from Anna: And how about my Tony? He was a wonderful man!

Reply from Steve: Hey, what about Benjy Hawk?

Reply from Jenny: Bah! And It's all unfit Chad's fault that Abigail had to go to Shady Hills!

Reply from Ben: That's right. I had nothing to to with it.

Reply from Clyde: You're so right, son. You're a good boy. DiMeras are evil. That's why I had EJ shot. Ooops.

Reply from Julie: I think that it's time for Doug and I to take a nice, restful cruise.
 
Facebook post by Salem Six Star Contracting and Home Improvements: All Salemites thinking about home improvements should contact Six Star immediately. The quality of our work speaks for itself. Recently, we constructed a new basement stairs in a building owned by scheming sociopath Mr. Andre DiMera. When the basement was recently devastated by a powerful bomb, our fine stairs stood firm and strong against the blast and remained firmly intact amidst mountains of rubble, allowing the police easy entry for their investigation. So don't delay, for all your home improvement needs, call Six Star today. You'll be glad you did.

Reply from Mammoth Falls Cabin Owner: After my cabin was destroyed by a fire set by crazed necktie strangler Ben Weston, I called Six Star, which constructed a beautiful new replacement, which is so well built that it can withstand onslaughts from any and all Salem psychopaths. Believe me when I say that these guys are the best!
 
Get ready for more shockers, Salemites. The next issue of the Intruder will be published on Monday! Check out these headlines!

What Lies Beneath?: The Intruder Takes You on a Guided Tour of the Mysterious DiMera Tunnels!

Where Is Tater Tot?: The Latest Inside Information from the Intruder's own Investigation Team!

Salem Forest Preserve Shockers: The Resident Bear Speaks Out!

Who Is the Worst Lawyer in Salem?: The Amazing Results of the Latest Intruder Poll!

Deimos Kiriakis: His Remarkable Tale of Survival!

Sami Brady's Sad Life: Why Salem's Leading Screecher Is No Longer Truly Radiant!

Considering Hypnosis?: Dr. Marlena Evans Tells You All You Need to Know!

How Dangerous Is the Salem River?: What Mayor Carver Doesn't Want You to Know!
 
Facebook post from the Salem University student paper, the Daily Slacker: Good Afternoon, Salem U. A new, special issue of the Slacker is now available. You won't want to miss the following articles.

Kegger Harassment: Ex-Salem U. Student, Officer JJ, Is Running Amok!

Campus Phantoms: Students Who Spend Far More Time in the Town Square Than on Campus.

The Paige Larson Case: Has the Administration Done Anything to Improve Dorm Security?

History Department Announces New Courses in DiMera Studies: How to Sign Up.

Helicopter Parents on Campus: What Can Be Done to Eliminate These Pests?

Austin Reed Named Worst New Instructor in the Past Decade: Why Was He So Bad and Boring?

If You Think Campus Health Services Are Bad, Try University Hospital.

Who Snatched Tater Tot?: Students, Faculty, and Staff Weigh in on Salem's Latest KIdnapping.
 
Tweet from Salem U. Senior to his pals: Hey, after class, let's go over to Club TBD for drinks.

Reply from Senior No. 2: No way! Nobody goes there anymore. The new owner is an ex-assassin. I don't want to be around if he decides to come out of retirement or his old enemies come calling.

Reply from Senior No. 3: And the new manager is a con artist. He'll probably try to sell us the DiMera tunnels.

Reply from Senior No. 1: How about Edge of the Square?

Reply from Senior No. 3: Forget it. That kid singer might be performing, and drug dealers, old drunks, and the town loser, Philip Kiriakis, all go there.

Reply from Senior No. 2: Then let's go to the Pub for beers and some Wanchai Ferry Chinese food.

Reply from Seniors 1 and 3: Great idea. Everyone likes Wanchai Ferry, especially the way Mrs. Brady thaws it out and heats it up.
 
Facebook post from the King of All Dingos:
australian-wild-dog-dingo-teale-shapcott.jpg

Hey, posters, quit calling that lovelorn Aussie doctor and Daniel Jonas wannabe who has a taste for women old enough to be his mother a "dingo." It hurts our feelings. And in case any of you were wondering, we did not, I repeat, did not, snatch Tater Tot. P.S., say hi to the Horton Cabin raccoons for me.
 
Reply from the Horton Cabin raccoons: King, while we're always happy to hear from like-minded creatures of the wild, we have it on good authority that you DID take little Tater Tot. One Mr. Percy Ruggles just posted this image online. Granted, Tater Tot looks pretty happy with his new companions. Care to elaborate?

dingo_pet.jpg
 
Reply from the King of All Dingoes: Raccoons, why do you believe anything that Percy says? After all, this man is best known for birdwatching, always saying "greetings," invading privacy by taking photos through windows, and being a a second-rate Santa. No way did we snatch Tater Tot. By the way, we dingoes are paying attention and here are the latest results of an all-dingo poll on who did it.

Kristen -- 50%
Victor -- 20%
A kangaroo mob -- 15%
Deimos -- 10%
Andre -- 4%
Crocodile Dundee -- 1%

kanga.png

Who, me? Not me.
 
Reply from the Kangaroo Mob: Hey, leave us out of this! We didn't take no stinkin' Tater Tot! Although, we might know the whereabouts of Tommy Horton and the real Ciara Brady. For some Brady burgers, clam chowder and Wanchai Ferry, we might be willing to divulge what we know.

KMOB_Poster.jpg
 
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Reply from Roman: Hey kangaroos, you appear to be far better at getting information about doings in Salem than any of my cops. How would you like to work for the Salem P.D.? You could lurk unobtrusively in the Town Square, the Pub, TBD, or Club Belle and listen in on conversations. You could also skulk about crime-ridden Salem Park or outside the DiMera mansion keeping an eye out for assorted kidnappers, muggers, drug dealers, and the nefarious Andre. How about it?

photo.jpg

Hey, Roman, Salem here I come.
 
Tweet from Sonny: Hi, everyone. It's great to be back in Salem. It was also good to have a nice conversation with Paul.

Reply from Ghost Will: No, Sonny, no! Stay away from this homewrecker. :cry::cry::cry: What if I come back to life like Stefano and Andre and you're with Paul. OMG! :cry::cry:

Reply from Adrienne: Will, stay in the afterlife along with EJ, Paige, Serena, and Nick Fallon. You were never good enough for my son!

Reply from Lucas: Uh, Adrienne, dear, I think that you're forgetting that Will was my son.

Reply from Sami: Adrienne, just SHUT UP! If anyone wasn't good enough it was Sonny! And EJ is alive -- maybe! And God knows what poor Lucas sees in you! I HATE you!

Reply from Sonny: OMG, maybe I'd be better off in Paris after all.
 
Facebook post from the Educational Division of Titan Industries: Are you tired of the current ruthless you? Are you tired of feeling cold and uncaring, and having the irrepressible urge to bulldoze everyone and anyone who stands in your way? Well, we have the answer to your prayers -- a collection of inspirational motivational videos made by wonder surgeon Dr. Daniel Jonas shortly before his hugely tragic death. After viewing these marvelous DVD recordings about life, love, and fulfillment, you're sure to become the most caring, helping, sensitive person on your block or in your family. Don't delay, order your set today at the Titan website. Caution: seeing these recordings may cause male viewers to turn a shade of orange, neglect shaving and good grooming, and result in an irresistible urge to start drooling uncontrollably at the sight of attractive women in hospital gowns.
 
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