Facebook posts and Tweets from Salemites, Part 23

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D.A. Office Staffer No. 1: OMG, did you hear the news? The cosmetics king is out and our crazy mayor has named Aiden "Lazerus" Jennings as his replacement!! :eek:

Reply from Staffer No. 2: Good grief, not him! Mayor Abe has truly lost his mind! That guy brings new meaning to the words "shyster" and "hack!!"

Reply from Staffer No. 3: And I guess we won't be able to make necktie jokes anymore.

Reply from Staffer No. 4: I'm so out of here. Are they hiring in Chicago or at any of the local firms?

Reply from Staffer No. 4: Let's start our own criminal defense firm. With Jennings as D.A., we'd be sure to win every case.

Reply from Staffer No. 1: And there's always lost-cat law. That niche hasn't been filled since Carrie Reed left Salem.

Reply from Staffer No. 3: Lost cat law? This is too awful to contemplate. Let's head over to the Pub for some beers and Wanchai Ferry, and try to forget lowlife Jennings.

Replies from Staffers No. 1, 2, and 4: Yes, let's. Even on the darkest days, Mrs. Brady's Wanchai Ferry specials makes spirits soar.
 
TODAY is Sonny Kiriakis's Birthday

Reply from Adrienne Kiriakis: Happy Birthday, Baby! I can't believe my youngest is 25!!

Reply from Marlena Evans: Happy Birthday, Sonny! And Adrienne, how do you think I feel? My youngest is 35!

Reply from Justin Kiriakis: Happy Birthday, buddy!

Reply from Joey Johnson: Dude, that's halfway to 50!

Reply from Kayla Brady: Joey!

Reply from Sami DiMera: Sonny...you're one of my kids, right?

Reply from Roman Brady: Dammit, Sami!

Reply from JJ Deveraux: Happy Birthday, Cuz!

Reply from Sonny Kiriakis: Awwww, thanks, everyone!

(NOTE: According to Jason47, Sonny was born on August 7, 1991; so that would make Sonny 25)
 
Facebook post from Ciara: Ugh! I just walked in on my niece and my best friend making out on the couch! I hate them! Even though I didn't really want Theo, no one else can have him!

Reply from Sami: I feel your pain. Did you ever hear about when I walked in on my mom and that doodyhead, life-ruiner, John Black, having sex on the Titan conference room table? They ruined my life! I HATE them!

Reply from Ciara: Yes, Sami, I've heard. We've all heard. You had it printed on your Christmas cards last year. We know. We all know.

Reply from Sami: Excuse me, little lady? How dare you call me by my first name and mock me?? I didn't go through 20 hours of difficult labor to have you. You are one of my most ungrateful children.

Reply from Ciara: I'm not your kid, for crying out loud! I'm your cousin and I don't have time for this. I just got my heart broken when I professed my love for someone and was kicked to the curb.

Reply from Sami: I'm pretty sure you're my kid, but anywho. You expressed your love and it was denied?? Oh girl, here's what you do. Drug the jerk and slip into the sheets with him. When he wakes up, convince him you had sex. Then go out and do the deed with someone else, get pregnant, and tell your lovey-dovey he's the father. When the time comes, me or Grandma Caroline will show you how to change the baby's blood type in the hospital computer system. Easy peasy!

Reply from Roman: What da' hell???? Dammit, Sami!
 
Reply from Hope: Sami, how dare you make such foul, sordid suggestions to my daughter. Your trashy life with EJ is no example for any young woman. Keep this garbage in Vegas or wherever you're hiding out these days.

Reply from Sami: SHUT UP, Hope! You are a bad mother! I have it on good authority that when your daughter came home today needing to talk, you were nowhere to be found. Instead, you left a stoopid note saying that there was food in the refrigerator. Barf. Why didn't you at least do what I did for my children, Lassie, Timmy, Wally, and the Beaver -- send her over to Caroline's for a good meal.

Reply from Marlena: Sami, dear. Try not to be so judgmental. Everyone in Salem has their problems.

Reply from Sami: Sorry, Mom, but you know that I'm right. As Salem's BEST MOTHER I've got the duty to call 'em like I see 'em. P.S., John Black is a life-ruining doodyhead and Kate is a hag.

Reply from Roman: Dammit, Sami ... Oh, I give up again for the umpteenth time.
 
Pay attention, Salemites. The latest issue of the hard-hitting, truth-telling Salem Intruder is now available. Check out these shocking headlines.

Victor Kiriakis Did Not Snatch Tater Tot: Seven Amazing Reasons Why!

Custody Shocker as Pill-Popping Granny Tries to Steal Baby from Dad: Jenny Deveraux's Mad Plan!

Members of Teen Gang Loose in Salem: How to Spot a Member of the Dreaded L.A. Scorpions!

The Justin Kiriakis Resignation: What Is Mayor Carver Hiding?!

Can Therapy Save Your Marriage?: Dr. Marlena Evans Explains How!

How D.A. Jennings Will Clean Up Salem: His Exclusive Interview with the Intruder!

Man Reports Seeing Abigail Deveraux with Elvis in Vegas Casino: His Jaw-Dropping Story!

The Wit and Wisdom of Bartender Steve "Patch" Johnson: Customers Flocking to Club TBD for His Advice!
 
Tweet from Baby Thomas: What a close call. Instead of vanishing off-screen in the care of Uncle Lucas and Auntie Adrienne, they are coming to live in my Daddy's beautiful home, meaning that I'll stay front and center after all.

Reply from Johnny: Tell me about it kid. When Mom moved out of Salem, we were gone baby gone. What a bummer.

Reply from Sydney: And if you do go off-screen, be prepared to be back in a few years as a dysfunctional teen or twenty-something adult.

Reply from Johnny: Yeah, like Dad who went from being a baby to an adult career criminal, full-time creep, lawyer, and retired race car driver.

Reply from Susan Banks: Johnny, how dare you say such things about your father -- my darling baby boy. It was mean, mean, mean.

Reply from Teen Ciara: Mean maybe, but right on target. I should know. I used to be a cute, precocious pre-teen whom everyone loved. Now, I'm a college freshman with issues and a taste for bad boys, and viewers groan when I appear on-screen.

Reply from Thomas, Sydney, Tater Tot, and Johnny: Hey TPTB, save our childhoods -- stop SORASing now!!
 
Facebook post by the Salem P.D.: Attention Salemites!! Lock your doors and windows and tell your dog to wake up!! Heinous hillbilly Clyde Weston, Xander "Crawlspace" Cook, and the odious Orpheus have escaped from prison and may be headed to our city. Be assured that your police force is on full alert and taking shorter-than-usual donut and coffee breaks.

Second Facebook post by the Salem P.D.: Due to an unexpected resignation, the Salem P.D. now has a vacancy for the position of detective. No law enforcement experience is necessary nor is any shred of good sense. The position offers ample opportunity to conduct personal business while on duty. Please be advised that preference will go to applicants who are members of the Brady and Horton families. No DiMeras need apply.
 
Tweet from the detective whose job was saved when Bo Brady left the Salem P.D. to members of his "Mock D.A. Aiden" group, which was formerly known as the Mock Rafe and later Mock Justin: Big news, the boss has put the whole force on alert because three bad guys escaped from a prison van.

Reply from member no. 2: At least it wasn't from the Salem jail. What's the mighty Rafe doing?

Reply from member no. 3: Not on the job for sure. Odds are that he's over at the Brady home canoodling with Hope and hasn't heard about the alert.

Reply from member no. 4: What would our role model, Bo Brady, be doing at a moment like this?

Reply from member no. 1: Probably threatening to take the bad guys apart, blaming the escape on Stefano DiMera, and fueling up on Brady burgers and beer. After all, sooner or later, all the bad guys drop by the Pub.

Reply from member no. 3: Brady burgers and beer -- sounds like a plan. I'll bet our fearless leader, Roman, and half of our fellow officers are on "high alert" over at the Brady Pub.
 
Facebook post from Salem's favorite scandal sheet, the Intruder: Great news, readers. The latest issue of the Intruder is now available with hard-hitting stories that you'd never get by watching pathetic Titan TV or reading that worthless rag, the Salem Spectator!!

Are You a Smug Salemite?: Take the Intruder's 20 Question Quiz!

Falsely Accused: Xander Cook Speaks Out!

How Many Comas Are Too Many?: Medical Experts Weigh In!

Are Mansion Weddings Passe?: Find Out What the Young and Hip Think!

Club TBD Rudderless as New Owner Abruptly Leaves Town: Is This Your Chance to Score Free Drinks!

Philip Kiriakis Gets a Haircut: Check Out the Intruder's Amazing Before and After Photos!

Lawyer Belle Black Abandons Teen Daughter for Big Hong Kong Job: Scathing Remarks from Her Sister, Sami Brady!

Who Really Shot EJ DiMera?: The Intruder Reopens the Case!
 
DrBakerFan said:
Who Really Shot EJ DiMera?: The Intruder Reopens the Case!
Click to expand...
Reply from Sami Brady DiMera, et al: Bet that life-ruiner doodyhead, John Black did it! Or Kate Roberts, because she's a hag. Or maybe my stoopid sister Carrie did it, because she can't stand to see me happy. And compared to that brain-dead moron she's married to, my smoochy-moochy was too great of a man for her to see being with me. They're all worthless poo-faces who should go to prison just because they're alive and I HATE them!
 
Facebook post from Deimos: Attention Salem! As you must have surely heard our city has been invaded by three revenge-crazed madmen -- Xander Cook, Clyde Weston, and Milo Harp aka Orpheus. All those who feel threatened and have no faith in the indifferent talents of the Salem P.D. are welcome to take refuge in the beautiful, 100% secure Kiriakis mansion. There, you will be protected by guard dogs with drooling fangs and a small army of my alert, armed-to-the-teeth, skilled security guards. You will also be provided with an all-you-can eat buffet, an open bar, butler service (Henderson is back!), and elegant rooms with comfy beds. Entertainment includes all the premium cable-TV channels, Netflix streaming, my virtuoso piano playing, and my brother, Victor, performing his best one-liners (Wait until you hear his riff on ex-wife Vivian Alamain.) So don't delay. Book your mansion accommodations now!
 
Facebook post from Marlena to Claire: Honey, you can't go out and about with Orpheus running around. He's dangerous. He kidnapped me and let your Grandpa think I was dead. He held your Aunt Kayla hostage once, too. He's a bad, bad guy. Just stay here or at Jennifer's to be safe.

Reply from Claire: Grandma, what's the big deal?? He's probably mellowed with age, like Aunt Maggie's husband, Victor.

Reply from Ciara: Hey, Claire, I saw that Orpheus dude somehow blocked your YouTube channel and Twitter account so no one can see your music videos.

Reply from Claire: :eek::eek::eek: What??? OMG, that monster!! That evil, rotten monster! The police need to catch him NOW. I HATE HIM!
 
Facebook post from the Salem P.D.: Salemites, as by now you should be aware, our city has been invaded by three crazed criminals. We can't really protect you much, but we can soothe your nerves by delivering fresh flowers to your door. Call now to place your order. They will be delivered personally by Detective Hope Brady.
 
Facebook message from Julie to JJ: Darling, drop that Hernandez girl quickly! She's trouble to all she loves! She'll hurt you like she hurt my sweet Nick!

Reply from JJ: Don't worry, Julie, I'm not planning to blackmail her or any of my cousins, and I don't have any heart-shaped pillows to traumatise her, so I'll be fine.
 
Facebook post from Mayor Carver's office: Fellow citizens, as you may be aware, our city has lost all electrical power. At this time, we have no idea if it was caused by the criminals who have invaded Salem, incompetence by Salem Power & Light, or the failure of my administration to maintain the municipal infrastructure. Your city government is making every effort to restore power, but be assured that in any case illumination will return to Salem after the sun comes up tomorrow.
 
Facebook post from Orpheus: Hey Marlena and Roman, I'm holding your pretty blond daughter hostage. I'm going to kill her to make you suffer.

Reply from Roman and Marlena: No, don't hurt Carrie!!!

Reply from Orpheus: Her name isn't Carrie, it's your little Samantha.

Reply from Roman and Marlena: Well...........

Reply from Roman: I did kill your wife, so I deserve some kind of payback.
 
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