Random Thoughts of Salemites, Part 4

Haley: This JJ fellow certainly has weird friends and family.

Stefan Zero: How would Father get revenge from the people who ruined my life?

Everyone at the Horton Center New Year's Gala: Eve Donovan is an idiot.

Dr. Shah: OMG, Jennifer Horton's ex-husband seems to be a rather unusual fellow. In fact, based on what he said about Jennifer, she seems a bit off-center herself.

Will: Jack Deveraux has total amnesia? Hey, that's my thing.

Rafe: Should I ask Marlena about Hope? She's so totally obsessed about Ben Weston that she's doing crazy things.

Eve: Hmm, when do I have to return that cape to the costume shop?

Sonny: If I'm stuck with Leo for the time being, I've got to get him to stop wearing those bizarre suits.

Roman: Wow! EJ Chow is a big hit on the Pub Menu. Who'd a thunk it. I'll have to thank Sami for sending me the recipe.
 
Rafe: WOW, I actually enjoy bouncing around slimy DiMera rapists. Everyone should try it.
 
Sonny: This is perfect! We can use Leo's mom to get Leo out of Salem and out of our lives! After all, it worked with Paul and his mom, right?
 
Xander: Mmm, Victor has really good bananas. I wonder where he gets them.

Leo: Why are Will and Sonny repeatedly bringing up my awful mother? Are those two up to something?

Sarah: I HATE REX! I HATE REX! I HATE REX!

Paul: Life is good. Leaving Salem was the smartest thing that I've ever done.

Holly: I love Mommy Chloe, but that Eric is kinda strange.

Abe: I'd never admit it, but Melinda did make some good points about Hope.

Maggie: I'd never say so, but I do get a kick out of Xander parading around in his towel.

Gus: Hmm, Madame didn't send me a Christmas card this year. Could something have happened to her?
 
Eve: Why am I bothering with this crazy Mayor Jack plan? I'm really scraping rock bottom with this one.

Haley: How come my big-mouth, know-it-all sister never helped me with my immigration status?

Sonny: This Diana ploy doesn't seem to be working out too well. Maybe I should have asked Xander to get rid of Leo.

Maggie: Thank God for my perfect egg-baby, Daniel. All my daughters are such problems.

Sheila: The boss just can't lose this up-coming election. Who else would hire me?

Eli: Hmmm, Ben Weston always ended up in a cabin somewhere. Should I start searching them? Nah, I think I'll call Lani instead.

John: If Leo is really my son, he's got to be the product of Diana's bad genes. After all Brady is one clever, hunky dude, Paul is a smart, handsome athlete, and Belle is a smart (I think) attorney.
 
Eve: Why am I wasting my time with this Jack-for-mayor thing? There's no money in it.

Abe: Why are people getting on my case for appointing Ted D.A.? Don't they realize that being an inept hack is part of the job description?

Leo: Wouldn't it be great if the man I killed wasn't my real Dad. Then I'd have a new one to help pay my liquor bills.

Shawn & Belle: The writers threw our little girl under the bus as part of their plan to redeem Ben? If true, Corday will be hearing from us.

Mummy EJ: OMG, I'd forgotten what a loudmouth my sweet hot, Samanther, can be.

Dr. Baker: The prison grapevine says that Ted the shyster who's now Salem D.A. has a thing for Hope. So did I, and look where I ended up.

Gus: Stefan O. DiMera is a creep. After everything I did for his late mother, Madame, he hasn't lifted a finger to get me out of prison.
 
Marlena: Would anyone believe me if I told them that my life was saved by Tony DiMera?

John: Why was it only Kayla and that Sarah were trying to revive Doc? I thought hospitals used a whole team of medical professionals in such situations.

Ben: Security in the DiMera mansion is a joke. How can I protect Chloe and the kids when this place is more wide-open than the Salem bus station.

Trippy: Claire draping herself all over me is getting tiresome. Are all girls this clingy?

Justin: I wish my clients weren't all friends and family. If I had real paying clients, maybe Adrienne and I could finally afford to move out of the mansion.
 
Stefan Zero: OMG, I was in once madly in love with an alter and now I'm sliding into a hate-sex relationship. Is there something wrong with me?

Rexy: Sarah is loud-mouthed, rude, dull, self-centered, has a thing for Eric Brady, and once slept with Xander Cook. Why do I want to marry her?

Ben: I saved Ciara from the cartel thug before Hope could get to the motel there. Will she hold this against me too?

Harold: OMG, bullets are flying through the windows and homicidal thugs are invading the mansion at will. When is Mr. Stefan going to invest some real money in security?

Jack: This mayor thing doesn't seem to be going too well. If Eve is such a campaign genius, why am I down in the polls to Abe Carver and Benchie the park bench and why are my crowds so small?
 
JJ: Why do I keep hearing noises coming from the cabin rafters that sound like scurrying animals and guns being loaded?

Haley: I love JJ, but he seems to have really weird taste in shirts.

Eve: Why do those dumb uniformed cops keep giving me funny looks? Don't they realize that I'm here to save them from Hope Brady?

Jack: Being the manager of a low-budget mayoral campaign is a good qualification for police commissioner, isn't it?

Trippy: Why do my clothes smell like some kind of flammable liquid?

ICE Agent Brown: I'm glad Haley Chen went on the run. I need a rest. Constantly checking on her and that Tripp guy got really old, really fast.
 
Will: When is my miracle cure going to happen? I'm starting to worry.

Xander: Why am I working for that mad woman, Kristen DiMera? My softer side is telling me that it's a big mistake.

Kristen: I'd better win back Brady soon. My Nicole mask is starting to show some wear and tear. Why couldn't Rolf use more durable materials?

Victor: I should spend more time sitting in the Town Square. It's amazing how many people wander by whom I can insult.

Eve: Why did I ever want to be police commissioner? It's really boring sitting in Hope's old office.

Rory: I'm feeling so unmellow. I tried to help Tripp and Haley and got rousted by that nasty cop. As the old saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished -- especially in Salem.
 
Claire: Hey, Bayview isn't so bad. I have a captive audience for my music.

Kate: Why am I being intimidated by Kristen? Other women are supposed to be afraid of me.

Sonny: I wonder if Uncle Vic will buy me a Big Boy burger franchise here in Salem?

Xander: A bad boy just can't win. Even as I try to show my softer side, I'm being hassled by both Kristen and the cops.

Abe: I wonder if taking that job with DiMera was a good idea? That place seems totally dysfunctional. Maybe, I should take an extended vacation until Jack crashes and burns and I'm recalled to City Hall by popular demand.

Hope: Wow, it's feels so good to be smart again. It's like I've awakened from a long slumber.

Carrie: Maybe, I should have stuck with Austin. Sex with Rafe just wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be.
 
Kristen: Drats! That rotten Xander! I should've had ol' Rolfy-boy make a backup mask. I suppose I'll have to use the old Mrs. Doubtfire trick until I can get another one.

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Xander ponders what to do with the Nicole mask.

Hang it up in the K-mansion basement to scare away the rats.

Sell it on eBay, advertised as a rare bit of DiMera memorabilia.

Send it anonymously to the Salem P.D. and then sit back and laugh as those idiots try to sort out the implications of a super-realistic Nicole mask.

Sell it to the Salem costume shop. Surely, somebody would like to go to a Halloween party as the infamous Nicole Walker.

Make multiple copies with a 3-D printer and then pay lots of women to wear it in public. Imagine the fun if Salem was suddenly flooded with a small army of Nicoles. Eric Brady's head would explode.
 
Xander ponders recent events in Salem.

Ugh, Eric just hit the sheets with a woman who's still married to his own brother. And people say that I'm a little short in the morality department.

Hey, this Rex isn't such a bad guy. Him hanging out with Eric just made him seem like a dull dweeb.

OMG, Brady just hit the sheets with Kristen and her mask. When Victor hears about this, it'll be corner office time for me at Titan.

Mags seems like a great lady. It's too bad that she hasn't got more sensible daughters. If Sarah had her mother's brains, she'd be knocking on my bedroom door.

The cops just arrested Stefan O. DiMera for killing shyster Teddy? Those dolts never think things through and always wrongly arrest an innocent person.

Tony DiMera, another member of Salem's walking dead, has married Kristen? These DiMeras aren't as smart as they're cracked up to be. The talent in that family began and ended with Stefano. The current crop are just sad.
 
Xander again ponders recent developments.

So it's up to Melinda Trask whether I get a deal. This one is so hungry to get a conviction that when I give her the goods on Kristen, she'll not only drop all charges, she'll tell wacky Mayor Jack to give me the key to the city.

Time's running out for Kristen, which means my former missus, Nicole, will soon be back in Salem. Pathetic Eric will then go running after her like a puppy dog, giving me the chance to finally move in on the fair Sarah. I wonder how Mags would like me as a son-in-law?

Stefan DiMera is pathetic. Panting after trashy Gabi only to have her steal his company right out from under him. Even lover-boy Brady or callow, little Sonny would never have fallen into such a trap.

Tony DiMera isn't so slick either -- first, he stupidly marries that grotesque gargoyle Kristen and now he's facing the wrath of his ex, Anna, who looks as if she can crack a nasty whip. Stefano may have been mighty in life, but his family tree is now cluttered with stunted, noxious weeds.
 
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