Salem Spectator Society Page, Part 2

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UKULELE FEST SET AT SALEM U.
The Salem Women's Club will be hosting a ukulele festival at the Little Theater at Salem U. next weekend. Participants will include all Salemites and Salem U. students who love to play the ukulele. The guest of honor will be former Titan CEO and recent heart-transplant patient, Mr. Brady Black, who will play his baby-blue ukulele while singing the songs of great-great-grandmother's long-lost youth. Mr. Black has hinted that the highlight of his performance may including donning a Tiny Tim wig and performing the late singer's signature song, Tip-toe Through the Tulips. When interviewed about the event, Women's Club president Giselle van Hopper said: "Nobody should miss this event, which celebrates the great songs of yesteryear and not the horrid noise that's popular today, which is even more annoying than the screechings of the vulgar Samantha Brady."
 
YET ANOTHER DANIEL JONAS REMEMBRANCE CEREMONY ANNOUNCED
In a press release, Salem University Hospital Administrator Mr. Byrnes Burns announced that with the two-month anniversary of the death of Dr. Daniel Jonas approaching the hospital will hold a special remembrance on the evening of March 2. Speakers will include Dr. Jonas's best friend, Brady Black; his fawning and adoring egg-mommy, Ms. Maggie Kiriakis; ex-wife and one-time adulteress, Ms. Chloe Lane Black; ex-fiancee, Ms. Nicole Walker; and rumored flings, Ms. Kate Roberts Brady, Ms. Chelsea Brady, and Ms. Jennifer Deveraux. All attendees will receive a free copy of Dr. Jonas's guide for living, which includes sections on maintaining a healthy tan in winter, how to perform surgery on kitchen tables, and great pick-up lines. For further information, please contact the Salem University Public Relations Office.
 
SALEM IMPROVEMENT SOCIETY PLANS SPECIAL PROGRAM FOR DADS
Giselle van Hopper, president of the Salem Improvement Society, has announced that it will host a special program for fathers who have or may in the future confess to crimes, which their child has committed. The guest speaker will be Mr. Lucas Horton, who, as some may know, once confessed to shooting Mr. Elvis DiMera at his wedding, an act that was actually committed by his teen son William. Mr. Horton's inspirational and informative talk will be followed by a panel discussion led by the blunt-spoken Nanny Megan. In announcing the program, Ms. van Hopper said: "Salem parents often face unique and challenging problems regarding their children's criminal acts and we are proud to present this very special, very helpful program."
 
PUB PARTY CELEBRATES DEATH OF LEADING SALEM CITIZEN
A select group of leading citizens gathered last night at the Brady Pub to toast the death of distinguished international businessman Mr. Stefano DiMera. The attendees polished off a bottle of vintage Irish whiskey and regaled each other with tales of Mr. DiMera's alleged misdeeds. The alcohol-fueled group included Titan mogul Mr. Victor Kiriakis, the master of one-liners, who's rumored to have committed almost as many crimes as the late Mr. DiMera; Dectective Hope Brady, who some say may have been the real killer of the elderly businessman; Police Commissioner Roman Brady, who would be committing a crime if the rumors about Detective Brady are true; and alleged poisoner, meddling mother, and unethical business executive Ms. Kate Roberts Brady. Also in attendence were Dr.Marlena Evans who is rumored to have once paralyzed Mr. DiMera by injecting him with a drug, and who is perhaps best known for her remarkably light patient load at University Hospital; and Mr. John Black, the coma-plagued entrepreneur who recently founded a yet-to-be-launched investigation company with accused murderer Mr. Stephen Johnson. Hosting the event was the always gracious, but blunt-spoken, Pub proprietress, Ms. Caroline Brady, who once had an affair with Mr. Kiriakis. At the end of the festive evening, the attendees ventured out into a dark and stormy night, where the ghost of Mr. DiMera may or may not have been lurking waiting to commit one last act of revenge.
 
DIMERA FUNERAL MASS A DIGNIFIED AFFAIR
The funeral mass for the late international businessman and alleged criminal mastermind, Mr. Stefano DiMera, which were held yesterday at Salem Cathedral was a dignified, somber affair. The mass was said by Salem's own Bishop Wright, who in his remarks noted, "Mr. DiMera led a rather irregular life, but it's for the Lord to judge him, not we humble humans." Attending the services were Mr. DiMera's sole surviving, unincarcerated son, Mr. Chadsworth Peterson-Woods DiMera; a large number of senators, congressmen, judges, and other government officials who are all said to have been on Mr. DiMera's payroll for years; the faithful DiMera mansion butler Mr. Harold; DiMera Enterprises trustee Mr. Shin of Hong Kong; faithful DiMera bodyguards and hired killers, Sergio and Ricardo; the relatives of the always-faithful DiMera assistant, the late Mr. Bart Biderbecke; former DiMera mad scientist Dr. Wilhelm Rolf; former spouses, Ms. Celeste Perrault and Ms. Kate Roberts Brady; grandson Mr. Theo Carver; and members of the Salem Italian Opera Society and Salem Chess Club. Outside the cathedral, a handful of noisy supporters of the Black and Brady families, the alleged perpetual victims of Mr. DiMera, were held at bay by private security guards. According to informed sources, Mr. DiMera's ashes will be interred at his family crypt at the Maison Blanche in New Orleans.
 
Hey Doodyheads,

A dignified affair?? Are you kidding me?? Stefano was an old gas-bag and giant doodyhead for everything he did to my family. He tried to kill my daddy, replaced him with that other doodyhead, John Black (who ruined my life!), and then brought my daddy back looking like our old family friend, Chris Kositchek. He kidnapped my mom more times than I can even remember, and he even kidnapped me and my beloved twin, the sainted former Father Eric, when we were little babies. Oh, and he hypnotized my stoopid sister, Carrie, when she was little. And thanks to him, those goofy alien twins were born. But worst of all, he was responsible for the death of the greatest man to ever live in Salem, my darling smoochy-moochy. I'm glad I stole his money! That's what he gets for making all of his passwords "I_hate_Samantha_Brady".

Instead of putting his stinky old dried up ashes in Mason Jar Blanchey, they should be dumped down the nearest toilet and flushed!

Sincerely, Samantha Brady DiMera Hernandez Horton Reed Walker
 
Dear Ms. Brady and whatever,

We will choose to ignore your vulgar, hateful remarks. Apparently, you did not take to heart the wise words of Bishop Wright in his remarks, who noted the late Mr. DiMera's past misdeeds but wisely noted that it's for the Lord to judge him. Finally, may we add that a main reason the funeral services were so dignified was that your screechy, common, egocentric, irrational self was not present. Please do not contact us again. The Salem Spectator society page is meant for the cultured and refined, not the likes of you.

Sincerely,
Ms. S.N.O. Byer
Editor, Salem Spectator Society Page

P.S., we will pass along your admission to grand larceny to the proper authorities.
 
REOPENING GALA SET FOR EDGE OF THE SQUARE
As many Salemites insiders already know, the posh club Edge of the Square, formerly owned by Titan mogul Mr. Victor Kiriakis is reopening under the ownership of novice Salem attorney Ms. Belle Black. Ms. Black who is rumored to have purchased the club with money stolen from the late Mr. Stefano DiMera has indicated that the revamped Edge of the Square will offer fine drinks, live entertainment, and the opportunity for clients, sober or inebriated, to consult with her about their legal problems, both large and small. According to Ms. Black, her club will cater only to an exclusive, young, hip crowd and such persons as her estranged husband Mr. Shawn Brady, screechy sister Ms. Sami Brady, assorted busybodies, boring former kidnapping victims, gloomy ex-priests, annoying egg-babies, washed-up secret agents with goatees, and visiting Californians with mental problems will never get past the velvet rope.
 
TALENTED TEEN SINGER DEBUTS AT EDGE OF THE SQUARE
Ms. Claire Black, the most talented singer at Salem High appeared tonight at the posh club, Edge of the Square. Ms. Black, who is best known as the tiny tot who vanished in the middle of a South Pacific typhoon and then magically reappeared at a Chicago child beauty contest, is a Julliard reject who previous trained under the guidance of Ms. Eve Larson, who infamously once had an affair with her daughter's dysfunctional boyfriend. Ms. Black displayed her youthful enthusiasm as she belted out songs that are not under copyright. Unfortunately many club customers kept their noses in their martinis; were preoccupied with their smartphones, laptops, or IPads; or were engaged in activities with their opposite-sex companion that would prompt the admonition, "Get a room." Presiding over the opening was attorney and club owner, Ms. Belle Black, who with her bartender, waiter, and muscular bouncer circulated among the club's tables urging customers to applaud the novice singer -- or else.
 
TEEN "BLAST" A DUD
A who's-who of Salem's dull teens gathered this evening at the Edge of the Square for a self-styled "blast" in honor of the 18th birthday of the formerly precocious pre-teen, Ciara Brady. Ms. Brady, a student at Salem High, is the daughter of Detective Hope Brady, the rumored "real killer" of Stefano DiMera, and onetime DiMera tool, Princess Gina; and the late Bo Brady, the famous police detective and master of illegal, warrantless searches. Notable guests included Mr. Theo Carver, the son of Mayor Abraham Carver; Jade, the world's oldest teenager; and talented teen singer Ms. Claire Brady. Unfortunately absent were Mr. Chase Jennings who is being held on rape charges, and Mr. Joey Johnson who was allegedly at the police station confessing to the murder of Ms. Ava Vitali. As for the party itself, it was progressing in a predictably blah fashion until the guest-of-honor provided some excitement by climbing up on the bar and drinking from a large tequila bottle. Unfortunately for those guests who found this exhibition entertaining, it was soon rudely interrupted by Ms. Brady's mother, Hope Brady. As for the Edge's regular customers, they reportedly did their drinking at the Brady Pub and Club TBD, which were both glad for the increased business.
 
ROBICHAUD SERVICES LIGHTLY ATTENDED
Funeral services for Korean war veteran, professional assassin, terrorist, and all-around crackpot, Mr. Timothy Robichaud, aka Yo-Ling, Yo-Daddy, Yo-Yo, and Yoplait, held at Bargain Salem Funeral Services and Mortuary, were lightly attended. Because Salem society shunned the event and Mr. Robichaud's living assistants are in police custody, the attendees were limited to a few curiosity-seekers. Remarks made by Mr. Robichaud's son, coma king John Black, were limited to weepy remarks about the one-time Korean War hero and a j'accuse aimed at the deceased's descent into his hateful "Yo-Daddy" persona. Interment was at a remote corner of Salem Cemetery far from the last resting places of such deceased local notables as Professor Trent Robbins, Mr. Ford Decker, Ms. Willow Stark, Mr. Nicholas Fallon, Mr. William Horton, Ms. Serena Mason, and Ms. Paige Larson.
 
SYMPOSIUM ON NECKTIE KILLER CASE HELD AT SALEM U.
Students, faculty, and many interested Salemites jammed into the University Center tonight to participate in a symposium on the Ben Weston Necktie Strangler Case. Negative comments about Mr. Weston by psychiatrist Dr. Marlena Evans were sharply rebutted by a bevy of faculty experts who opined that the Weston case was a reflection of society's failures in the area of class prejudice, child abuse, and mental illness. Many young women in the audience expressed the belief that they could have helped Mr. Weston change. "After all, " one said, "Sami Brady changed EJ DiMera." As Dr. Evans stormed out at the close of the program, attendees stood and sang the theme song from the 1970s film, Ben, giving special emphasis to the lines, "Ben, most people would turn you away, I don't listen to a word they say" and "If they had a friend like Ben."

Reply from Jenny: These people are out of their minds. If I hadn't just popped a half-bottle of pills, I go over and confront them!

Reply from Roman: Dammit, these University people are all nuts.
 
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Reply from Sami Brady DiMera: How dare you think a psycho like Ben could be changed like my sweet smoochy-moochy??? Ben Weston is a monster and the one who killed my darling EJ (PS: I'm pretty sure he's still alive though). Ben also ruined my life when he had sex with my mother on the Titan conference room table. I HATE him.

Reply from Roman: Dammit, Sami! Ben did not kill EJ and he didn't have sex with your mother. Would you please brush up on your family history?! Sigh... why do I even bother???
 
Reply from Salem U. student to Sami: Give it a rest, granny. Ben had it much harder in life than EJ and deep-down, he's a lot nicer. And unlike yourself, we women here at Salem U. know what true love really means and can really help changed a troubled guy. P.S., based on your father's post, you appear to be a bit dazed and confused. It must be awful to be getting up in years.
 
SALEM HIGH PROM ENDS ON LOW NOTE
This year's version of the usually dull Salem High Prom ended on a lower note than usual. After the nastiest prom incident since actress Sissy Spacek was victimized in the 1976 film Carrie, several of the teen merry-makers ended up in police custody. They were charged with vandalizing the car of a Salem judge whose son was suspected of rudely spoiling the evening of the prom king and queen, Mr. Theo Carver and Ms. Ciara Brady. The lightly-attended, low budget prom was held at the Edge of the Square, courtesy of its owner, shyster lawyer Belle Black, and its free entertainment was provided by talented singer and Julliard reject (what do they know) Ms. Claire Brady. Angry Salem parents are now questioning why no chaperones were present at the event and why it was held at a venue usually frequented by Salem's dysfunctional, hard-drinking adults. In response, Salem High principal, Mr. Learned M. Goode, has announced that future proms will be at the high school gym, stating: "If a gym was good enough for the Hill Valley High students in Back to the Future, it should be good enough for those at Salem High."
 
SALEM SPRING CONCERT SET AT KIRIAKIS MANSION
Ms. Giselle van Hopper, president of the Friends of the Salem Philharmonic, has announced that the 2016 Salem Spring Concert will be held on the beautiful grounds of the Kiriakis mansion. Formerly guarded by drooling attack dogs and armed thugs with shaved heads, the mansion and its grounds can be visited by the public as its new resident, Mr. Deimos Kiriakis, will be throwing open the gates to all Salem music lovers early next month. Entertainment will be provided by the Salem Philharmonic and the Salem University choir. And, as a special treat, a piano recital will be presented by Mr. Kiriakis himself, who, as it turns out, is Salem's own Liberace. Mr. Kiriakis has not yet announced what music he will be playing nor whether he will be wearing a full-length mink cape and a gold lame suit, but he guarantees that all who attend will have the time of their lives, particularly since no snarky old grouches will be admitted.
 
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FAREWELL GALA FOR SALEM P.D. MEMBER CANCELLED
Plans for a festive farewell party for Detective Lani Price that was scheduled for Saturday evening at Club TBD has been abruptly cancelled. No reason for the cancellation was given and when asked about Ms. Price, Mayor Carver, her surprise father, Detective Shawn Brady, her rumored love interest, and Commissioner Roman Brady all replied by saying, "who?" In the absence of hard news about Detective Price, Salem conspiracy theorists hare suggested that she's been kidnapped by Andre DiMera's hired thugs, is searching for screechy Sami Brady, has been committed to Shady Hills Hospital, is lost in the Salem tunnels, or has fallen into the Salem River.
 
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SALEM LIARS CLUB TO PRESENT ANNUAL AWARD
The Salem Liars Club will present its award to our city's leading liar over the past year at a gala dinner to be held at the exclusive Salem Country Club. The award will be presented by Club president, Mr. Lyon Fibbe. The three candidates for the coveted award are as follows:
  • Ms. Kate Roberts Brady: This stylish executive's business success is matched only by her ability to look a person straight in the eye and tell the most outrageous whoppers;
  • Mr. Aiden Jennings: This remarkably untruthful attorney is fortunate that when he speaks in court, he's not under oath;
  • Mr. Dario Hernandez: This accomplished conman labors daily to prove the old saying that a fool and his money are soon parted.
A lifetime achievement award will also be presented to Ms. Samantha Brady Horton Hernandez DiMera for her unique ability to tell most amazing lies along with her willingness to believe the most obviously absurd untruths, most notably the ridiculous notion that Mr. EJ DiMera had somehow changed.
 
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