Salem Spectator Society Page, Part 2

Status
Not open for further replies.
Reply from Marlena: 1) Sami dear, please don't speak ill of your dear sister, Carrie. Yes, she's not much of a lawyer and lusts after men who are not her husband, but she's family. And Austin may have been the the worst instructor in Salem U. history, but he tries. 2) Please don't call Hope a granny -- she's in the prime of life. She also has been through a lot of stress lately. Isn't it wonderful that if a person tries to murder somebody with a gun, but they survive, the shooter won't go to jail -- just like when you shot EJ in the head while he was lying on his bed, dead drunk. Remember? 3) Finally, don't call Steve and Kayla "doodyheads." They are the salt of the Salem earth, and deserve some happiness after all their problems. After all, their son, Little Joey, has been nothing but trouble and Kayla was almost burned alive by the odious Orpheus. Say hi to the children for me. John also sends his love, but for the life of me I can't figure out why.
 
SALEM WOMEN'S CLUB TO HONOR RETIRING POLICE COMMISSIONER
Ms. Giselle van Hopper, president of the Salem Women's Club, has announced that it will host a gala dinner at the Salem Country Club in honor of her personal hero, retiring police commissioner, Mr. Roman Brady. Joining the guests for the gala will be Mr. Brady's ex-wives, urn-toting Anna DiMera, businesswoman Ms. Kate Roberts Brady, and Dr. Marlena "Queen of the Night" Evans. Also coming are Commissioner Brady's brother, body-snatcher Mr. Max Brady; his sister the often-kidnapped Dr. Kayla Johnson; and his loving mother, Ms. Caroline Brady of Brady burger, clam chowder, and Wanchai Ferry fame; and his daughter, lost-cat lawyer Ms. Carrie Reed. (Not attending are the Commissioner's reclusive son, Eric, the infamous sex-tape priest and drunk driver; and his daughter, screechy Sami Brady DiMera, who was omitted from the guest list at the request of numerous Salem citizens who value civility and good taste.)

Commissioner Brady's long and storied career with the Salem P.D. has included battling the dreaded Salem Strangler, the diabolical DiMera crime empire, the invasion of the deranged Yo-Daddy's Phantom Army, and the reign of terror inflicted by the dreaded Orpheus gang. Although many mocked the Salem P.D. during Commissioner Brady's tenure, he was responsible for sending many infamous criminals to prison, including infamous baby-broker Dr. Richard Baker, veteran felon Vargas, crazed Titan CEO Mr. Ian McAllister, Mr. Xander "Crawlspace" Cook, vicious serial killer Mr. Ben Weston, and crazed personal assistant Augustine "Gus" Pascal.

The always-dedicated Commissioner Brady has been popular with his police officers because of his hands-off policy, which allowed them ample time for personal business, tolerated their disregard for such legal trivialities as search warrants, and kindly letting them return to the police force after committing major felonies. Mr. Brady's family and friends are hopeful that the Commissioner can now tend to his neglected social life and perhaps get his first kiss in decades. Commissioner Brady himself is vague on his future plans, but has pledged not to vanish into the Brady Pub kitchen never to be seen again.
 
DrBakerFan said:
tolerated their disregard for such legal trivialities as search warrants,
Click to expand...
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Reply from Cassie and Rex Brady: Geez, we weren't even invited. :rolleyes:

Reply from Frankie Brady: Me, neither. And I've been a Brady far longer than you have.

Reply from Kimberly Brady Donovan: I have all three of you beat on that!

Reply from Sami Brady-DiMera, et al: What do you mean I'm screechy?? I HATE YOU!
 
FETE AT JOHNSON HOME WELCOMES SURPRISE SON
A small gathering of friends and family met at the home of noted private investigator Mr. Stephen Johnson and his long-suffering wife, Dr. Kayla Johnson to welcome the newest family member, Mr. Johnson's surprise son Tripp. Young Mr. Johnson has the sort of sketchy background that's typical of many of Salem's surprise offspring having had his share of encounters with the Arizona justice system. His mother is the late Ms. Ava Vitali, the infamous criminal schemer and sex fiend who caused the death of Salem's beloved Shawn Brady Sr. when she sabotaged the Black jet many years ago. Attending the affair were Mr. Joseph Johnson, the family's original son; his clinging ex-girl friend and pill popper, Ms. Jade Michaels; Mr. Lucas Roberts, a contestant in the Ms.Adrienne Kiriakis sweepstakes; Mayor Abe Carver and his son Theo, who is currently attempting to avoid efforts by Ms. Claire Brady to bed him; and Ms. Jennifer Deveraux who is rumored to be the current editor of the Spectator although she is never seen working there. Sadly, Mr. Brady Black was unable to attend having reportedly fled Salem to go on the run with babynapper Ms. Nicole Walker.
 
DIMERA VOW RENEWAL ENDS BADLY
The festive renewal of vows between Mr. Chad DiMera and the former Shady Hills patient and attic recluse, Ms. Abigial Deveraux DiMera, ended on a sour note last week when Ms. DiMera announced that she was leaving her husband. As the stunned guests, backstabber Ms. Kate Roberts, novice detective Mr. JJ Deveraux, criminal madman Mr. Andre DiMera, and champion ranter, Ms. Jennifer Deveraux, looked on horror, the irrational Ms. DiMera explained that she was ending things because of her husband's allegedly unresolved feelings for Ms. Gabriella Hernandez, the murderer of science genius Mr. Nicholas Fallon. To illustrate her case, Ms. DiMera noted that Ms. Hernandez was her husband's secret baseball coach way back in high school. Ms. DiMera then fled the scene and reportedly sought solace from career criminal Mr. Dario Hernandez. Mr. DiMera has had no public comment on the surprise unpleasantness, but is reportedly moving heaven and earth to bring his dazed and confused wife to her senses. Like many other Salemites, this writer is of the opinion that Mr. DiMera should move on and find a sane and sensible woman who doesn't have a taste for slimy hoodlums.
 
SALEM NOTABLES VISITING GREECE
Many notable Salemites have gotten a jump on the summer tourist season with visits to sunny Greece. Mr. Chad DiMera is taking a break from the fractured thinking of his estranged wife, Abigail, by visiting Athens on some shady business trip. Titan CEO wannabe Sonny Kiriakis and his true love, Paul Narita also are in Athens engaged in some very amateurish sleuthing. Salem tycoon Deimos Kiriakis is somewhere in the country seeking to reconnect with a family member and his goon squad. Salem P.D. Desk Squad chief, Hope Brady, is taking a break from her tedious paperwork, not by visiting the usual tourist attractions, but by hanging out in the Greek capital at the Cafe Athens an establishment that specializes in serving Greek food to adventurous American foodies. Also avoiding the well-worn tourist scene are Eli Grant, Lani Price, and JJ Deveraux who have opted to luxuriate in the confines of their private jet at the Athens airport. I'm sure that all Salemites wish these intrepid travelers a good visit to the birthplace of western civilization and are looking forward to hearing about their many adventures.
 
ANDRE DIMERA WEDS KATE ROBERTS BRADY
Salemites were stunned today when it was announced that Mr. Andre DiMera had wed Ms. Kate Roberts, who was once the wife of his late father, international businessman and criminal mastermind Mr. Stefano DiMera. The younger Mr. DiMera, who is currently dabbling in the affairs of DiMera Enterprises, is best known for his role as the Salem Slasher, and for burying alive former police commissioner Roman Brady and repeatedly returning to life after apparently dying. Ms. Roberts is well known to all Salemites as a business executive, first-rate schemer, and expert brownie baker. The marriage is the second for Mr. DiMera who was previously briefly wed to Ms. Anna Fredericks DiMera, who is now famous for hauling the ashes of her late husband, Mr. Anthony DiMera, with her wherever she goes. Ms. Brady has more experience with wedded bliss and romance, having shared holy matrimony with the aforementioned Mr. Stefano DiMera, Mr. Curtis Reed, and Mr. Roman Brady. She has also had close relationships with St. Dr. Daniel Jonas, Detective Rafael Hernandez, drug kingpin Mr. Clyde Weston, and retired assassin Mr. Eduardo Hernandez. The ceremony was held in the chambers of campaign-contributions-starved Judge Duncan and witnessed by the faithful family butler, Mr. Harold, the world's most accomplished sofa sanitizer. According to informed sources, the happy couple has no honeymoon plans and will immediately take up residence in very separate bedrooms at the historic DiMera mansion.
 
Reply from Sami Brady DiMera, et al:

How stoopid is my sweet smoochy-moochy's brother to marry that hag, Kate?? Hard to believe even he would scrape the bottom of that barrel. Oh well, better him than my daddy. By the way, Kate was also engaged to that life-ruining doodyhead, John Black. They should've gotten married, since they deserve each other. I hope Kate and Andre don't have kids. They'd be some stoopid trouble makers. Not smart angels, like my 10 kids, Leonard, Penny, Sheldon, Amy, Howard, Bernadette, Haley, Raj, Cinnamon and Stuart.
 
THANK-YOU FETE AT CLUB TBD
Gratitude is not often on display in our often-vindictive, revenge-minded city, but it certainly was today at Club TBD as Mr. Tripp Dalton, the son of the late crazed sociopath, Ms. Ava Vitali, graciously hosted a fine lunch. This fine repast was his way of thanking Dr. Kayla Johnson for kindly introducing him to the practice of medicine. Also attending the happy event were Dr. Johnson's loving husband, the intrepid private investigator Mr. Steve "Patch" Johnson; Mr. Joey Johnson, who is best known for vandalizing a local judge's car; and the younger Mr. Johnson's parasitical, pathological-liar ex-girl friend Ms. Jade Michaels, who is reportedly an outcast from Salem's slacker teen set. I'm sure all Salemites will join this writer in wishing Mr. Dalton well in his future medical career and are looking forward to hearing about his Dr.-Daniel-Jonas-style miracle surgeries.
 
FORMER FELON RETURNS TO SALEM
Older Salemites with good memories were startled this week when they learned that Ms. Anjelica Deveraux, a notorious former resident of our city, has returned after a long absence. Ms. Deveraux is best remembered here for her attempt to blow up Ms. Adrienne Kiriakis and kidnapping young Master Alexander Deveraux, the child of distinguished local attorney, Mr. Justin Kiriakis. Ms. Deveraux is the widow of the infamous Senator Harper Deveraux, whose political career was destroyed when he morphed into the Riverside Knifer and went on a bloody rampage through our city before eventually falling to his death from a bell tower. According to informed sources, Ms. Deveraux, apparently unaware that there is a statute of limitations on revenge in Salem, is currently seeking to seize control of the moribund Salem Spectator from Ms. Adrienne Kiriakis and her partner, the well-known Salem ranter and sleeveless-dress aficionado, Ms. Jennifer Deveraux. This writer is generally reluctant to express negative views of any Salemite, but sincerely hopes that if Ms. Deveraux returns to her nefarious ways, Commissioner Raines and his fine police force will find just cause for her to take up residence in the Salem jail.
 
HORTON CENTER RECEPTION ENDS UNPLEASANTLY
A festive Horton Center promotional reception at the historic, but decrepit, Martin House ended rather badly yesterday. The guests were apparently drugged with something called Halo 2.0 and then behaved rather inappropriately with members of the opposite sex. As a new day dawned in Salem, an already unfortunate situation took a turn for the worse when Mr. Deimos Kiriakis, the former Titan CEO and alleged "Candyman" drug dealer, was found dead in an alcove with a knife sticking out of his chest. Commissioner Raines and his squad of amateur forensic experts then descended on the crime scene to gather evidence and question the dazed party-goers. Reliable witnesses at the scene reported that Detective JJ Deveraux, the former Town Square window smasher, was declared a person of interest; new Titan CEO Mr. Sonny Kiriakis claimed that his allegedly cursed amulet was missing; and Ms. Nicole Walker was heard berating the always sad-and-gloomy Horton Center head, Mr. Eric Brady. This writer is confident that the no-nonsense Commissioner Raines will solve this dastardly crime eventually, and urges that Salemites cheer up the distraught Mr. Brady with a donation to the Horton Center.
 
AIRHEAD MARRIES SLIMEBALL
As Salemites enjoyed their usual Fourth of July festivities, the already battered Salem version of the institution of marriage took another hit at Club TBD as the reportedly dazed and confused Ms. Abigail Deveraux entered into a rumored marriage of convenience to Mr. Dario Hernandez. Ms. Deveraux, who only last week was Mrs. Chadsworth DiMera, reportedly wed the thuggish Mr. Hernandez, a rumored computer criminal, to prevent him from being deported to Mexico where he allegedly would be instantly targeted by that nation's drug cartels. Presiding at this impromptu farce was the casually-dressed Mayor Abraham Carver who seemed unfazed by the couple's lack of a marriage license. Witnessing the event were Mr. Chadsworth DiMera and Ms. Gabriella Hernandez who probably wished they were still under the influence of Halo 2.0. The couple's honeymoon plans currently consist of convincing the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Service that their marriage is not a fraud.
 
KILLER COP ANNOUNCES ENGAGEMENT
Detective Hope Brady, the trigger-happy police officer who is famous for shooting Mayor Marino's assassin, a mad criminal on Smith Island, and international businessman Mr. Stefano DiMera, has officially announced her engagement to fellow detective Mr. Rafael Hernandez. This will be the third husband for Ms. Brady who was long wed to the felonious police detective, Mr. Beauregard Brady, and then briefly to shady lawyer and necktie-killer copycat Mr. Aiden Jennings. Mr. Hernandez was previously married to the infamous air-headed Salem screecher, Ms. Sami Brady, was once engaged to the late Ms. Emily Hudson, and had relationships with ruthless businesswoman Ms. Kate Roberts, the queen of granny sex; the remarkably dull physical therapist and cat-lover, Ms. Jordan Ridgeway; and lost-cat lawyer and unfaithful wife Ms. Carrie Reed. Ms. Brady's extended family is reportedly thrilled by news of her engagement, but to date there has been no comment from Mr. Hernandez's brother Dario who is reportedly busy fending off the immigration authorities, and his sister, Ms. Gabriella Hernandez, who is preoccupied with sorting out her relationship with Mr. Chadsworth DiMera. No wedding plans have yet been announced although inside sources are leaning toward a simple ceremony at Club TBD presided over by Mayor Abraham Carver.
 
LONGTIME SALEM COUPLE SPLIT
Dr. Marlena Evans, the noted University Hospital psychiatrist and mother of screechy Ms. Sami Brady, ice-cube-loving Ms. Carrie Reed, and professional sourpuss Mr. Eric Brady, has announced that she is ending her longtime relationship with private eye/coma king Mr. John Black. According to informed sources, Dr. Evans can no longer tolerate Mr. Black's long absences caused by pointless, fruitless missions for the inept, faux security agency, the ISA. Mr. Black's surprise son, ex-star pitcher Paul Narita, reports that his father is stunned and heartbroken by this sudden end to his relationship with Dr. Evans. Mr. Black is quoted as having said: "I don't know what's wrong. This just isn't the real Doc."
 
Reply from Sami Brady DiMera Washington Lincoln Kennedy Roosevelt:

OMG, for real???!! This is the best news ever! Haha, that stoopid, life-ruiner can go suck on a lemon! Now my daddy and mom will get back together and that doodyhead will be all alone. Maybe he can hook up with the happy hooker hag, Kate. They made a great couple!
 
RAINES TESTIMONIAL DINNER SUDDENLY CANCELLED
Due to sudden, unforeseen, and thoroughly unpleasant developments, the Salem Improvement Society's testimonial dinner for Police Commissioner Raines has been cancelled. The Society had been planning to present the now ex-commissioner with its Man of the Year Award, but is now seeking other candidates. According to Society President, Ms. Giselle van Hopper, the leading candidate for the award is now former commissioner Mr. Roman Brady. According to Ms. van Hopper, "Recent events involving Mr. Raines have starkly highlighted the true value of Mr. Brady's service to Salem, and he would be a fine recipient of the Society's award." According to informed sources, the Society is also planning to find a new recipient for its Young Businessman of the Year Award, which was to go to Mr. Dario Hernandez who is currently a fugitive from justice.
 
DOUBLE WEDDING PREDICTABLY ENDS IN DISASTER
Salem cynics who predicted big trouble at the DiMera-Deveraux-Kiriakis-Narita double wedding were proven correct when the ceremony was rudely interrupted by the intrusion of convicted serial killer and escaped mental patient Mr. Ben Weston, who shocked the guests by announcing that Mr. Will Horton, the famous hack writer, was still alive. Arriving Bayview attendants were not allowed to return Mr. Weston to the mental hospital. He was instead dragged to the police station and subjected to various acts of police brutality and some inane questioning. Mr. Sonny Kiriakis and Mr. Paul Narita cancelled their wedding and repaired to the Town Square to bicker about their future and to discuss exhuming the late Mr. Horton's body as a way to test Mr. Weston's claims. Only Mr. Chad DiMera and Ms. Abigail Deveraux salvaged something from the wreckage of the day by staging an impromptu wedding ceremony presided over by the conveniently returned Father Louis. The wedding party then affirmed the sacred nature of Salem holy matrimony by shooting bubbles at each other.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top