The News According to Sami

The Nicole-Chloe-Deimos affair: Neither babyswitching Nicole Walker nor the tramp who cheated on my Lucas are fit mothers. Perhaps, I could adopt the baby. After all, I'm Salem's best mother, the good twin, and truly radiant. I'll have to poll my perfect children, Dasher, Dancer, Donner, Blitzen, Comet, Cupid, and Rudof to see if they'd like a new sibling.

Hope's prison adventures: So what if smoochy-moochy's daddy might still be alive. If so, Hope still tried to kill him. So I say keep her in jail to pay her debt to society and to keep her hooks out of my Rafe. OMG, what does he see in her anyway? His cheap affair with Granny Kate must have affected his mind.

Gabi dumps JJ: Good move by my Rafe's little sister. All Deverauxs are bad to the bone. It's too bad for Gabi that there are no guys in Salem who are like my handsome, changed EJ. (He is one of a kind. :):))

Jade loses her baby: I am genuinely sorry to hear about this. After all, I am a kind empathetic person. My angry rants and underhanded plots were necessary because most people in Salem are duplicitous doodyheads, especially that king of all life ruiners, John Black. I HATE him!

Abigail's big reveal. My sympathies to my charming EJ's little brother. He'd have been better off if this tramp had stayed in Jenny's attic. Chad better keep a leash on this wretched creature to make sure that she doesn't wander off to stalk, tryst, or take a shower with another woman's guy.
 
Nicole is appalled by Deimos's deadly threats: What did that babyswitcher expect? After my handsome EJ left Salem, the only good men left in Salem were Daddy, my Rafe, and my Lucas.

Carrie & Austin search for Anna: What a joke. My stoopid sister and her clueless husband couldn't find an elephant in a blueberry patch.

Eric out of jail: How did the bad twin get out so soon? Has that stoopid surgeon he supposedly killed come back to life just like smoochy-moochy's dear daddy does?

Hope hides from the police: This is nothing new. That one has taken so much time off for personal business over the years that in effect, she's been hiding from the police for years. Poor Daddy, he has to do everything himself.
 
Why was my Rafe being so mean to smoochy-moochy's kindly old daddy? After all, what did the dear old man ever do to him? Off-hand, I can't remember a thing.

How dare that Sonny get cozy with that Narita guy so soon after my dear Will passed away? And it's doubly offensive because this so-called "love interest" is the son of life ruining John Black. I HATE him!

OMG, the bad twin gets even badder. How can he make Daddy's cops look so bad by hiding stoopid Hope? Doesn't he realize that this makes Daddy look bad too?

On the subject of my stoopid siblings, why is Belle representing that trampy Chloe? Even I say, let the babyswitcher have her baby. Hasn't she suffered enough?

And why is Austin still married to my stoopid sister, Carrie? Could it be that after being married to Ms. Boring-Boring-Boring for so long, he's morphed from being merely clueless to completely brain dead?
 
Nicole snatches Baby Holly: OMG, she's at it again! That said, this is clearly all Chloe's fault. Is she ever stoopid!

Marlena visits Eric: Why is Mom wasting her time visiting the bad twin? She should take a break from stoopid John Black and visit her bestest daughter -- ME!

Rafe gets in a bubblebath with Hope: Oh, barf. What's gotten into my Rafe? Is he really that desperate for girlie action that he has to consort with Granny Hope? This is just sad.

Dario acting like a tough guy: Who is this idiot anyway? Daddy should lock him up!

Anne makes a move on Lucas: I don't know this Anne person, but she has some nerve canoodling with my Lucas. I think I'll send her a note outlining the rules of engagement for women who are relating to my ex-husbands.
 
Sami weighs in on the island situation.

Sonny's piloting skills. This doodyhead is no better at flying a plane than he was at being a husband for my Will. If Victor puts this man-child in charge of Titan instead of three-faced shaggy Philip, he's making a big mistake. Of course, big mistakes are a way of life for the old grouch. Remember Ian McAllister and Vivian Alamain?

Paul gets "jungle madness" from an insect bite. What's wrong with this guy? Doesn't he use insect repellent? I always did in Salem to keep away people like Kate the hag and John Black the life-ruiner.

Lani fears the goat. Good grief. This goat is probably friendlier, smarter, more polite, sweeter smelling, and better looking than most people in Salem, especially John Black.

Gabi fears curses. What's with my Rafe's little sister? Anyone who has survived in Salem as long as she has must be immune to any curses involving a stoopid amulet. By the way, that tacky, amulet looks like it was made by a third-grader in a St. Luke's Academy art class.

The mystery skull. This person wasn't killed by somebody who was crazed by jungle madness. He/she probably ate one of Kate's brownies.

Chad smooches Gabi. At last, my EJ's little brother is wising up. He should forget all about that man-stealing tramp, Abigail, who by now has the fingerprints of half the men in Salem all over her anatomy.
 
Abigail's rant. OMG, the man-stealing tramp got up on her hind legs and squawked and awked at her mother. She wasn't so high and mighty when I discovered that she'd seduced my poor smoochy-moochy. Chad is lucky to be rid of her.

Brady survives. Don't believe for a minute that Brady survived because he had that orange-tinted doctor's heart. Brady is as strong as an ox. He'd have survived even with John Black's feeble, life-ruining heart.

Sonny is made the head of Titan. Has that old grouch Victor lost his mind? Play taps for Titan everyone. Sell your stock before it's too late. With that little brat in charge, the company is doomed. He couldn't even run a Big Boy hamburger stand in the Town Square.

Nicole gets off with a fine, probation, and community service. This is no surprise. What judge would ever think that taking a child away from that tramp Chloe was a serious crime? Anyone who would cheat on my Lucas is clearly an unfit mother.
 
Dario is arrested: Who's this Dario? I hope he isn't one of my children. Having one of them get arrested would be sort of embarrassing.

Anjelica comes to town: Good grief, another creepy, crawly Deveraux. She'll fit right in with trampy Abigail, stoopid horndog JJ, and ranting Jenny. Take it from me, the only worthwhile Deveraux was poor Jack. It's no wonder he vanished so often. His family is beyond dysfunctional.

Everyone wanting to confess to killing Deimos: He wasn't one of my children too was he? And since when are Salemites so anxious to confess? Did Kate and I ever confess to tossing doody-headed Nick Fallon into the Salem River?

Ciara leaves Salem: I'll bet Granny Hope is behind this. She got the kid to leave town so nobody would be reminded how old she is. Take it from me, this woman should be sitting in a rocker doing her knitting instead of marrying my Rafe and pretending to be a cop.
 
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Reply from Marlena: Sami, dear, must I remind you that YOU had a child OLDER than Ciara? And you, too, are a grandmother?

Reply from Sami: Yeah, right! I think spending so much time around that life-ruining, doodyhead, coma king has ruined your memory.
 
Abe goes to jail: No surprise here. I always thought that he was kind of sketchy. And his arrest proves that my smoochy-moochy was the bestest Salem mayor ever.

Brady falls off the wagon. How sad. Poor Brady never did have the strength of character of my handsome EJ.

Lucas goes back to drinking: What a shame about my Lucas, but that's what he gets for getting involved with that stoopid Kiriakis woman. To cheer himself up, Lucas should kick back and recall our happy days together, especially the wonderful Green Wedding.

Victor reads the Intruder: Who knew that the old grouch had an interest in fine literature like smoochy-moochy and his refined, sophisticated old daddy. I thought all nasty old Victor only read Titan business reports and the stock prices.

 
Gabi is kidnapped by Raines: This one is the worstest mother. If she'd been home taking care of her child (like I would have been) nothing would have happened to her.

Abe is hailed as a hero: Some hero this stiff is. If he was any good, he wouldn't have lost the mayoral election to my brilliant. classy smoochy-moochy.

Kate kisses Roman: Barf! Yuck! Barf! :sick: Daddy should be rushed to the hospital to be tested for all sorts of diseases. Who knows what kind of germs lurk in Kate's fetid swamp of a mouth.

John Black seems to be missing: Woohoo! Let's hope that the life-ruiner stays missing this time.

Nicole gets custody of Holly: Good news. Maybe this will put a stop to her babyswitching, babynapping career. If she needs motherhood tips, tell her to call me.
 
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John is released from a mental hospital. What a shame. Yeah, yeah, I know it was stoopid Hattie who put him there, but separating this table-top-loving life-ruiner from society was really for the best.

Raines goes to jail. Another shame. Finally, there was a police commissioner who realized that old Granny Hope was fit only for the desk squad and he ends up in jail. The fates can be so cruel.

The double wedding. Double flop is more like it. Poor Chad is once again signing on with that shameless man-stealing tramp, Abigail, and foolish Paul is going to tie the knot with simpering Sonny. Matches made in heaven these ain't.

Justin reunites with "Adrienne." How could a supposedly smart man ever go back to this over-the-hill creature? Could it be an Adrienne double who has personal qualities that the original doesn't have? Could be. Anything's possible in Salem.
 
Sami arrested -- again. I can't believe it. Since I returned to Salem, I've been arrested not once, but twice. Some people just don't have any respect for their social betters! :angry:

Complaints about Sami on this board, part 1: For the umpteenth time, I am not a screecher, I'm just emphatic. As for those who don't like the way I conduct myself, too bad. Being Sami Brady means never having to say you're sorry.

Complaints about Sami on this board, part 2: How dare anyone say that I mention EJ too much? What nerve! He's my handsome, brilliant, changed smoochy-moochy who will find his way back to me someday. :)

The absence of Sami's children: Where are my children? Why didn't I bring any back to Salem? It's none of your business. I'm Salem's best mother!
 
With Sami driving members of this board absolutely crazy with her constant screeching, the man who she says ruined her life, John Black has bravely taken matters into his own hands and replaced her posts with some of his own.

Sami's screeching: OMG, it's really unbearable. How did my Doc ever bring this creature into this world? That's one fact that I'll never understand.

Sami's life-ruining accusations: This is typical Sami blather. She ruined her own life. That's a fact.

His many comas: Don't believe anyone who says they've impaired my thinking. I'm sharp as a tack. That's an incontrovertible fact.

Lucas's condition: He'd be a sober man today if he'd never met Sami (even with Kate as his mother). That's also an indisputable fact.

The ISA: Don't tell anyone, but they'd be better off calling Ghostbusters than the ISA. Sadly, that's an unfortunate fact.
 
Since her tumultuous visit to Salem, Sami has been keeping a low profile, but you can't keep a high-volume screecher down forever.

Vivian returns: What? Isn't this creature dead yet?

Stefan O.: An obvious fraud. My handsome, changed smooch-moochy, EJ, never mentioned him so he must be a faker.

Eli: First Lani and now homocidal Gabi? This guy must think he's some kind of champion love artiste. Well, I've got news for him: EJ is the greatest lover in Salem history. As life-ruiner John Black would say, "That's a fact."

Roman takes up with Anna: Poor old Daddy must be losing it. How could he settle for some over-the-hill woman with a fixation on her late husband's ashes? Even at his age, he should be fussier about his women friends.

Will dumps Sonny: Woo hoo, my smart, handsome boy has come back to his senses. Paul, that handsome, athletic baseball player is a far better catch than that stoopid Sonny-boy, the self-important son of dumb-dumb Justin and awful Adrienne. Sonny is so bad that even John Black's surprise son is a far, far better choice.
 
Ande's death. How very sad. First dear old Stefano and now poor Andre. Anyway, gotta go. I have to keep looking for smoochy-moochy EJ and spend some of that money I stole from the DiMeras.

Roman helps Anna. Yuck, why is my poor Daddy lying for that crazy woman? He already risked his reputation covering for old Granny Hope. He really shouldn't press his luck.

Brady plays Sonny about Andre's death. I already knew this little twerp wasn't good enough for my Will, but I didn't realize how gullible he really is.

John Black poisons Steve: The life-ruiner strikes yet again. Is there no limit to how low he can sink? Mom should dump him and rescue Daddy from awful Anna.
 
Sami vents about recent doings in Salem.

Life-ruiner John Black imprisoned my Will in the DiMera mausoleum. Hey Granny Hope, why hasn't he been arrested?

Would-be life-ender John Black poisoned that Steve Johnson guy. What's up old Granny Hope, why hasn't he been arrested?

Ghoulish John Black desecrated the sacred resting place of my smoochy-moochy's family. What's next -- grave robbery?

Pamela van Damme went nuts? She was probably driven crazy by the idiotic John Black.

Mom is consoling arch-criminal John Black? Why? She should be showing him the door and rescuing Daddy from that lunatic, Anna DiMera.

People who think that Abigail Deveraux has two personalities should guess again. She has three: Chad's unbearable goody-two-shoes wife, homicidal Gabby, and Abby the trampy man-stealer.
 
Sami has learned about the big blow-up at Doug's Place and is not pleased.

Granny Hope is all worked up because my Rafe and I offered each other some physical consolation after she cruelly dumped him? OMG, is she getting senile? As a dumpee, Rafe did not cheat! In any case, that aging police commissioner should be pleased to be married to a man on whom I've recently bestowed my very special seal of approval. (I only sleep with real men like darling smoochy-moochy, my Lucas, and my Rafe.)

Jenny actually said that I was "warped?" She's even more deluded than aging Granny Hope. If anybody is warped it's a woman who makes her ex-husband participate in a dating contest, dumps a distinguished doctor in mid-date, and who has a mentally-unbalanced man-stealer as a daughter. As for the Bad Twin, I was going to give him three cheers for defending me to decrepit old Jenny, but then he spoiled everything by not dumping her. Grrr.

Finally, that antique Julie Williams should just shut up. How dare she rip into my Rafe and his poor little sister. Where does she get off being so high and mighty? Her husband used to be a shifty con man and her over-the-hill sister/step-daughter cruelly murdered kindly old Stefano DiMera. (Yes, I know about that. I know everything that's worth knowing.)
 
...and what is Sami's take on Claire recording a private conversation in order to learn gossip? I suspect she's quite proud of Claire, even if she's the spawn of the child conceived when Marlena, John, and a boardroom table ruined Sami's life.
 
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