The News According to Sami

Sami just can't resist running her mouth about Salem current events.

Jack returns: Did he have attractive Charmin wrappings like my darling smoochy-moochy, EJ?

Eve ruins the Horton Center gala: OMG, some rude, crude people just can't stop ruining events with their boorish behavior and screeching.

Sonny marries Leo: At last the little twerp has the husband he deserves. What better choice for a member of the crooked Kiriakis family than some grifter and blackmailer. He's a perfect fit.

Stefan Zero's life is ruined: So Abigail/"Gabby" left him and took the baby with her? No loss there. The elimination of trampy , man-stealing Abigail is a case of addition by subtraction.

Eric and Sarah seem to be on the way to becoming an item. Barf. Here's a match that was definitely not made in heaven. Nasty, big mouth Sarah (Rex is lucky to be rid of her) and the angry, gloomy Bad Twin. If anyone wants to have a fun party, they shouldn't invite those two losers.
 
Sami weighs in on the upcoming mayoral election.

Nasty Melinda Trask wants to be mayor? Yuck! I HATE her. She's the dim-witted doodyhead who tried to send me to prison for saving my Rafe from that perverted creep, Bernardi, and his straight razor!

Poor Jack Deveraux is running? Doesn't he have total amnesia? This just shows how far a man will go to get away from that awful ranter and mother-of-a-tramp, Jenny.

Stoopid Abe Carver is no prize either. Does he ever do any work? Besides, he wanted to use underhanded methods to beat my smoochy-moochy in the last election. He deserves to be retired by the voters.

Since of all these candidates are totally useless, I'm going to contact Daddy about running. He'd win in a walk especially if he promises to fire crazy old Granny Hope and make my handsome Rafe police commissioner. The job calls for a real law-enforcement expert, not some semi-senile ex-convict who has committed more crimes than all of Salem's felons combined.
 
Sami just can't keep her big mouth shut about recent developments.

Leo may be John's son. [OMG, that stoopid John Black just couldn't keep it in his pants, could he? He probably has enough unknown children out there to fill the typical major-league baseball stadium.]

Rafe saves Kate. [Why? My Rafe was making better use of his time when he was saving lost cats with stoopid Carrie.]

Ben saves Ciara. [That's my boy. I always taught my children to lend a helping hand.]

Jordan Ridgeway is now mentally unbalanced. [I always knew that this dreary creature wasn't good enough for my Rafe. She belongs in Bayview along with senile Granny Hope.]

Brady is named the head of Titan. [OMG, this is another case of the blind leading the blind. If the old grouch Victor had a lick of sense, he'd name my Will CEO of his stoopid company.]
 
DrBakerFan said:
Leo may be John's son. [OMG, that stoopid John Black just couldn't keep it in his pants, could he? He probably has enough unknown children out there to fill the typical major-league baseball stadium.]
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Unsolicited Reply Comment from Stefa No DiMera: I'll let you keep all the DiMera money and give you $8 million more if you can name all of your children in a live video, no help.
 
Reply from Sami: OMG, talk about easy money. OK, here it goes: my wonderful darling children are William, Kate, Harry, Meghan, George, Charlotte and baby Louis. So there!

StefanZero: :rotfl:
 
Sami has been silent lately, but Marlena's most recent plight has drawn her attention away from tending to Mummy EJ and back to Salem.

Marlena poisoned: OMG, now Mom has been poisoned by some lunatic who was romantically interested in stoopid John. (That by itself is proof of her insanity.) The Coma King draws trouble like a picnic draws ants. When is Mom going to realize that she'll never be safe until she returns to Daddy?

The Eric-Rexy-Sarah triangle: Two hopeless losers whom no other woman would want fighting over a loud-mouthed tramp who once bedded Xander Cook and sacrilegiously smooches men in the holy precincts of a chapel. Barf. Please make it stop.

Leo learns that he's John's son: I hear that this guy had a tough childhood, an awful gargoyle for a mother, and a monster for a father, but is that really worse than discovering he has John Black's tainted DNA?

The mayor's race: This one is a wrap now that I've just announced my support for Mayor Abe. Sure, he's a little stiff, but he was my darling smoochy-moochy's brother-in-law, which makes all the difference. Besides, Jack Deveraux is nothing but a sad sack whose life was messed up by squawking Jenny and who is now in the clutches of the unspeakable Eve Donovan.
 
My Will actually said that he HATES me? Unbelievable. Life-ruining doodyhead John Black must have put him up to it.

Will is being treated by dull, dimwitted Dr. Rex and the unspeakable tramp, Sarah? I won't have it. I'm going to make some phone calls and arrange for him to consult with some REAL doctors.

Victor hired Kate? He must be going senile. That hideous hag will take him for every drachma that he has. He'll spend the rest of his old age tending bar at Chez Rouge.

Gabi slept with Stefan DiMera? What an inconsiderate trollop. When my Rafe finds out about this, it will kill him.
 
My Will has been cured of his brain tumor! Woo hoo! Don't give that stoopid serum the credit, it was his mother's love that saved the day.

Sarah marries Rexy. OMG, this sounds like a rerun of Dumb and Dumber.

That stoopid Brady and my Lucas should have minded their own business and let me rip the face off that total tramp, Nicole Walker.

Why hasn't my Rafe asked me for any advice about caring for Baby David? After all, I'm Salem's best mother.
 
Why hasn't MY Rafe come to help me through this trying time with MY Will being in the hospital and MY grandmother dying? He doesn't need to pay all that attention to Baby David, he needs to be here with the only woman he has ever truly loved.
 
Susan Banks returns to Salem: Why wasn't that stoopid, crazy woman sent straight to Bayview?? After what she pulled on my Will, that's the least that she deserves.

Hope saves Kate from the DiMera dungeon: If old Granny Hope hadn't gotten so senile, she'd have had the good sense to leave the hag locked up.

Nicole continues to talk trash to Salemites and gets fired by Stefan: The Sydnapping baby-switcher just never changes her evil ways. I'll bet that poor little pup, Pookie, died to get away from her. As for Stefan, he's nowhere near the DiMera that my smoochy-moochy is, but even he had the good sense to dump the trashy tramp.

Rex and Sarah move out of Eric's place and into the K-mansion: OMG, poor Daddy. Now he's going to have to deal with more caterwauling by the foolish Bad Twin over his latest lost "love." Stoopid Eric has such bad taste in women.
 
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Reply from Marlena: Sami, dear, we need to talk about your insistence of referring to your brother as "the bad twin." Honey, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Reply from Sami: Shut up, mom! People in glass houses shouldn't have sex on the Titan conference room table! So go suck on that lemon!

Reply from Marlena: [sigh]
 
Kate crawls out of her own grave: [This might shock some people in Salem, but not me. I always knew that Kate was a tough old bird who'd be hard to kill.]

Vivian returns and shoots Kate: [OMG, why did that demented old hag shoot a fellow witch? Hasn't she ever heard of professional courtesy? Kate's a vicious old hag, but shooting her is going too far. Instead, batty Vivian ought to shoot that hideous Kristen who's been tormenting Mom for decades. By the way, my smoochy-moochy agrees and says that Kristen is not real DiMera and is a disgrace to his family.]

Gabi catches grief for walking away from the stricken Julie. [Stoopid Salemites should lay off my Rafe's little sister. Anyone could be forgiven for thinking that the loudmouth busybody, professional cruiser, and full-time faker was too hale and hearty to ever get a heart attack. In fact, when would she have the time? She's always running her big mouth non-stop.]

Rolf returns and enjoys Pub food: [Great news for Daddy -- a continental gourmet loves Pub food. Daddy should now buy some time on Titan TV for commercials in which Rolf urges one and all to dine elegantly at the Pub. I'd love to see Julie's seedy saloon and Maggie's tacky Chez Rouge go belly up because the Pub has taken all their customers.]

Xander sticking by Sarah. [My fine son could do better than Maggie's boozy, trampy daughter, but nevertheless it's good to see him being the gentlemen that I raised him to be. And for the last time, Xander is my son. Anyone who says otherwise is a big doodyhead.]
 
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Even Sami is appalled by recent events in Salem.

Events in Salem in general: [What's going on now sounds like a badly-written soap opera -- the boring, unreal problems of boring people. Things sure have gone downhill since smoochy-moochy and I left Salem.]

Gabi's revenge plot against Lani: [My Rafe better do an intervention. Her thing with Lani is really sick even by Salem standards. This is even worse when old hag Kate's tried to ruin my Green Wedding with Lucas.]

Hope turns into Princess Gina: OMG. [I don't believe Rolf really had anything to do with this. It's just old Granny Hope's dementia kicking in.]

Sarah is "secretly" pregnant with Eric's baby while he lives with Nicole: [The Bad Twin strikes again. The woman of the world were safer when this doodyhead still remembered that he took a vow of chastity when he became a priest. He should leave the sex thing to real men like my Rafe and my Lucas.]

Rafe is poisoned by Jordan: [The authorities better take care of this lunatic because if I ever have to come back and administrate rough justice it will take all the king's horses and all the king's men to put Jordan Ridgeway together again.]
 
Like many viewers, Sami is not pleased by some of Salem's latest events, particularly about her real son and two imagined ones.

Will is in prison: [OMG, OMG, why didn't anyone tell me!! I'll bet Trask railroaded him to get revenge for not convicting me for killing that old pervert, Bernardi. My Lucas must be heartbroken. I know that my EJ is so upset that his Charmin wrappings keep getting soggy from his tears. I'm calling that old grouch Victor about fixing this ASAP!!]

Ben is in prison: [This is an outrage. I'll bet old Granny Hope is behind this! (I hear that she's been acting even weirder than usual.) She can't stand to see anyone achieve happiness. Rescuing my handsome son, Ben, is one more thing that I'm going to insist Victor put on his to-do list.]

Jenny awoke from her coma. [What a bummer. Based on what I've heard, Salem was a much saner place without her confrontational ways and her big mouth silenced!]

Eric still suspects that Sarah's baby is his. [The Bad Twin just never quits. Who does this loser think that he is? He's one person in Salem who should never be a father. His sanctimonious and morose personality would ruin any child's life. In contrast, my truly radiant son Xander (for the umpteenth time, he is my son) will make a fine father for the child.]

Abigail returns to Salem: [Why? This biggest loser should have stayed in Paris and had an affair with that boring doodyhead Austin, a man who is so dumb that he married my stoopid sister, Carrie. Anyway, the women of Salem better keep a firm grip on their men with trashy Abigail back in town. This over-heated creature is utterly shameless.]
 
Will is still in prison. [OMG, why has nobody done something about this? Why hasn't my Rafe found the evidence that will free him? Why hasn't the old fixer, Victor, made the conviction just go away? Why isn't that old hag, Kate, scheming overtime to save my Lucas's son and her grandson? What is wrong with people in Salem?]

Kate is now a waitress. [I love it. I guess Kate was too old to resume her true life's calling -- trolling for sailors on the Salem piers.]

People are mystified by Hope's odd behavior. [This isn't a mystery. As I've been saying for years, old Granny Hope is going senile.]

Eric shuts Xander out of Baby Mickey's life. [The stoopid Bad Twin has really lost it this time. My fine son, Xander, would be a much better father than some loser who spends most of his time moaning and groaning about one thing or another. If this sorry situation isn't straightened out soon, I just might have to return to Salem to set things right.]
 
Will narrowly escapes being shot at the K-mansion. [First, he went to prison and now he's almost been shot? None of this would have happened if my Will had never taken up with the twerp Sonny.]

Adrienne's death. [I suppose I could pretend to be sorry about this, but I'll never forgive that wretched woman for thinking that my wonderful Will wasn't good enough for her jerk of a son, Sonny.]

Ben's bizarre "execution." [Thank goodness Mom is pulling out all the stops to save my son Ben. However, she just sat there uselessly when the doodyheaded authorities were about to execute me? Than goodness for my Lucas who saved the day.]

Brady and Kristen. [The town fool has taken up with the sicko psycho who plagued Mom for years? Some people really aren't very smart.]
 
Sami brags about Ben's new job while gloating over the fate certain Salemites.

Ben gets a job: That's my boy. He'll be the finest mechanic ever. It won't be long before he'll be working on racing cars that compete in really big time auto races.:clap:

Sonny is still unemployed: No surprise here. That awful Adrienne thought her kid was so wonderful, but all he does now is hang around the K-mansion fretting about one thing or another. Even foolish Victor, the human pin-cushion won't hire him.:rotfl:
Maggie is in prison: The busybody know-it-all is in the slammer? Another high-and-mighty Salemite has been laid low. :rotfl:

Hope's apology tour: So old Granny Hope has been reduced to wandering around Salem begging people for forgiveness. After all the grief she gave to my fine son Ben, this is a fate that she richly deserves.:rotfl:

Kate gets a job as Abe's spokesperson. Another self-important snot had finally been cut down to size. I wish I was in Salem to watch the old blue-chunked witch reduced to announcing Salem's new garbage collection initiative or street repaving schedules. :rotfl:
 
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Gabi's antics at Jake's garage. What is wrong with my Rafe's little sister. With all her yammering and squawking, she's going to give us screechers a bad name.

Kate goes to work for Abe. The old hag must be hard up for employment to stoop to being a lowly municipal employee. Weren't there enough sailors on the Salem piers who were interested in paying for granny sex with the blue-chunked harridan?

Sonny and Will try to explain Gabi's situation to Jake. Why is my Will pleading the case for that trampy little fool? If my Rafe can't get Salemites to understand his wacky baby sister, nobody can.

Sarah rudely rejects Xander's plea for forgiveness. This Sarah must be really stoopid. Any sane woman would be eager to start a relationship with my fine son, Xander. (Yes, for the last time, he is my son).

Zoey contests David's custody with Rafe. Who is this wretched Zoey creature who wants to take David away from my Rafe? Except for Daddy, he's the world's greatest father. The FBI jacket that he gave Johnny may no longer fit, but it's still one of his most treasured possessions.

Claire is getting out of Bayview. Already?! What doodyhead authorized this?? Letting her out is a big mistake. Even if she doesn't try to set fire to somebody, she's sure to drive everyone crazy with her blather about her awful music and wretched YouTube numbers. I'm sure that there are plenty of people in Bayview whose recovery was set back years as a result of having to listen to doodyhead Belle's stoopid daughter.
 
John collapses: That was so not my fault. Somebody as coma-prone as he is should know not to provoke me.

Allie flees: What's wrong with that kid? She must take after Kate.

Nicole wanting to get custody of Baby Horton. The babyswitcher is so unfit. I'll bet she'd take the poor child into an exploding building just like she did with that poor Holly.

Eric marrying Nicole. The Bad Twin should have stayed a priest and stuck to his vow of celibacy. Put him in the Garden of Love and he'll pick a lemon every time.

People always criticizing her behavior. Hey, it's not me it's them. These doodyheads don't recognize a caring, dedicated grandmother when they see one. They're too used to incompetents like old Granny Hope, hag-like Granny Kate, and Granny Jenny the sleeveless wonder.
 
Ciara might have been killed in a car explosion. Maybe now Granny Hope can do the decent thing and give me back those earrings that the kid once blackmailed me into buying her.

Philip returns to Salem and Titan. My fine boy, Xander, better watch out. Anyone who can grow a new face and regrow their leg is capable of anything.

John Black is still unconscious. What a drama queen he is. Just to get attention, he always drags his comas out just to get sympathy and attention.

Shawn's intensely questions Ben about Ciara's disappearance. Once I sort out the Baby Horton mess, I'm going to have some harsh words for this make-believe cop. How dare he harass my fine son, Ben, in his moment of grief. He richly deserves the full Sami Brady treatment.

Abigail returns. Who thought it was a good idea to let her out of the funny farm? All the women in Salem had better keep a close eye on their men with the trashy man-stealer on the loose again.
 
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