Letters to Salemites

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Dear Salem Parents,

With Hallowe'en fast approaching and many schools planning to allow the children to come to school in costumes on that day, we caution everyone not to have their child come to school wearing one of the Chad DiMera necktie killer masks that are now on sale at some tacky local novelty stores. We also encourage you not to allow your child to bring a red, patterned necktie to school. Not only is this in poor taste, but it many unduly frighten teachers and students who are currently sleeping with a light on or hiding under the bed because of the necktie killer rampage. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.

Ms. Giselle van Hopper
President, Salem Board of Education
 
Dear Mr. Deveraux,

Thank you for your inquiry about joining the Salem P.D. Commissioner Brady speaks very highly of your work in ending Salem's drug plague. Your past drug-dealing and Town Square window smashing will not count against you as they are youthful offenses. Also not a problem is your friendship with a current Salem U. student, Rory, who is known as the University's leading consumer of cannabis. What does give us pause is the fact that your mother is the infamous helicopter parent and raucous ranter, Jennifer Deveraux, that your sister, Abigail, is a former EJ DiMera shower-mate and is currently engaged to the hotheaded son of accused murder-for-hire crime boss, "Creepy" Clyde Weston. Your rather sketchy family members notwithstanding, we would be pleased to consider your application. You can download a copy at the Salem P.D. website, http://www.salemkeystonecops.gov.

Sincerely, Salem P.D. Personnel Department
 
Dear Mr. DiMera,

Unfortunately, we cannot act favorably on your request to be officially named a chess "grand master." This title goes to top competitors in major, recognized chess tournaments. The fact that you habitually defeat your sons, hired thugs, cook, housemaid, and butler means nothing. Equally meaningless is your string of victories in the annual Alamania Chess Tournament. It is well known that the Alamania event is a vanity affair in which major donors to the Alamanian treasury are allowed to win fixed matches against chess experts. In addition, the charts of some of your best victories reveal that you would be hard pressed to gain a draw in any grade-school chess event. Finally, we simply don't understand what you mean by saying that you control "pawns." May we suggest that you invest in a copy of Chess for Dummies and work you way up from there.

Sincerely,
World Chess Federation
 
Cara mia,

I have been told that you are becoming unduly friendly with that slimy absentee father Eduardo Hernandez, the self-styled "security expert." Your association with unsavory men has become a distressing pattern -- first the vile Ian McAllister and later the crude, loathsome Clyde Weston. Better that you resume your relationship with that idiot Rafael Hernandez, who at least had the good sense not to believe that Chad was the necktie killer, than socialize with the former husband of that vulgar, washed-up singer, Eve Larson.

Ciao,
Stefano

P.S., If you were concerned that the awful Samantha was back in Salem for good, you can rest easy. Informed sources tell me that she has vanished from the Salem social scene.
 
Dear Mr. Johnson and Mr. Brady,

Thank you for your joint application to join the CIA. After reviewing your proposal to join the agency as the "secret B/S team," to put it crudely, we think it is a pile of b/s. For field work, we need younger agents who can get the job done and not end up being habitually kidnapped and tortured by gangs who can't shoot straight. We also make it a policy of never hiring anyone who has ever worked for the ISA (please pass this on to John Black). For us, employment with this inept organization is prima facie evidence of total incompetence or of being on the payroll of the notorious Stefano DiMera.

Sincerely,
Cloake N. Dagger
CIA Personnel Dept.
 
Dear Samanther

Stop looking for me. You're looking like a fool. Besides, you ruined my life, I'm dead, I hate you. You wouldn't even correct me when I got your middle name spelling wrong. You're a spineless nitwit.

Your ghostly former Smoochy-woochie

PS: Those kids may not even be mine.
 
Dear Doodyhead, Nitwit DiMeras,

You can't fool me with this crude, pathetic, stoopid forgery! EJ and I love each other deeply and our future life ahead is going to be super wonderful. And he does so know that it's "Gene" and not "Jean." EJ is ALIVE and he IS my darling "smoochy-moochy. Gee, you're so dumb! I HATE both of you and that stoopid Harold too. P.S., Daddy and Rafe are on your trail. Have your tailor fit you for some prison stripes. Ha, ha.

Angrily, Sami, EJ's true love forever.
 
Dear Ms. Brady,

Thank you for your inquiry about reserving a suite at the Hilton Mauritius Resort and Spa for December and January. Unfortunately, we cannot assure you that your city's infamous DiMera family has never heard of Mauritius. In addition to its fine Indian Ocean beaches, wonderful scenery and climate, fine restaurants and hotels, and friendly people, our island is well known as the former home to the now-extinct dodo bird. Please let us know if you wish to make a reservation as we are usually completely booked during the winter season.

Reservations Dept.
Hilton Mauritius Resort and Spa

Hey, Sami,

Watch your step, or you'll soon be like me -- extinct.

Mr. Dodo

dodo-bird.jpg
 
Dear Mr. Burns,

Yesterday, I went to visit my 18-year-old daughter who's currently a patient at University Hospital, and was appalled by the new doctor with the Australian accent. This guy is an obvious lothario, who has bedroom eyes, hits on the nurses, and seems very chummy with that well-known hospital-gown fetishist, the arch-pervert Dr. Daniel Jonas. Your hospital's young, attractive women patients would have been safer if you'd imported a pack of ravenous dingoes to roam the halls instead of this Aussie ladies man. I demand that you send him back to Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Perth, the Outback, or wherever now!

Sincerely,
Angry Salem Dad
 
Dear Dr. Johnson,

Our dedicated Human Resources director, Anne Milbauer, has brought to my attention the fact that you and your ex-husband were engaged in unseemly physical activities in a University Hospital supply closet. This is highly unprofessional and sets a very poor example for the staff members who look to you for leadership. We expect our physicians and staff to conduct themselves properly at all times and to remember that supply closets are for supplies only. Please do not respond to this letter by pointing out our toleration of the amorous activities on hospital grounds of a certain Dr. Daniel Jonas. He is a superstar surgeon whose presence elevates University Hospital's reputation, so we make exceptions in order to retain his services.

Yours truly,
Mr. Burns, Hospital Administrator
 
To: Mr. Andre DiMera
From: American Express Credit Card Department

We have received your letter of complaint regarding the cancellation of your American Express Centurion card. We are aware that in the past you paid your card account promptly, but you are currently over $150,000 in arrears and have not made any payments for months. We deeply sympathize with the alleged theft of $500 million of your family's liquid funds from someone or something named "Samantha Brady," but that is not relevant to our situation. We expect our cardholders, especially holders of the elite Centurion card, to make their payments in a timely manner, and if they fail to do so for any reason, their card privileges are regretfully withdrawn.

P.S., we are not impressed with your absurd threats to have members of our company, kidnapped, murdered, zombified, or buried alive unless your card is reinstated.
 
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Dear Ms. Black,

Thank you for your inquiry about the propriety of women attorneys engaging in hotel-room trysts with handsome members of the infamous DiMera crime family. In such a case, an attorney would come perilously close to violating the ethical provision, which prohibits "engag[ing] in any other conduct that adversely reflects on the lawyer’s fitness as a lawyer." The image of the Salem bar has taken some severe hits in recent years. There was the late EJ DiMera allegedly engaging in drug trafficking, Justin Kiriakis's buffoonery during the necktie strangler investigation, the late Aiden Jennings's fatal imitation of the strangler, and Carrie Reed turning her law practice into a lost-cat-locating service. We don't need any more of this bad publicity. We urge you to adhere closely to the Code of Professional Responsibility. The Salem bar must not sink to the level of the incompetent Salem P.D.

Ethics Committee
Salem Bar Association
 
Dear Ms. Black,
It has come to our attention that instead of maintaining an office, you are conducting legal business in Club TBD. Please be advised that this detracts from the dignity of the Salem Bar, as do your plans to ditch your daughter and fly off to Las Vegas for a what seems to be a dirty weekend with the unsavory Mr. Philip Kiriakis (yes, one of our members overheard this). We suggest that you clean up your act. The reputation of the Salem Bar suffered when Ms. Carrie Reed ran a lost-cat service out of her office and Mr. Aiden Jennings ran off the rails and decided to imitate the infamous necktie strangler. We sincerely hope that your conduct will not add to the legal profession's image problem here in Salem

Yours truly,
Ethics Committee, Salem Bar Association
 
Dear Father Louis,

Our office is being swamped with semi-hysterical requests that the recently deceased Dr. Daniel Jonas be named a saint. As you know well nobody can be named a saint until at least five years after their death, and that extensive information about the possible saint must be gathered. However, given the frequency with which people leave Salem, are murdered, die of mystery soap-opera-type diseases, or simply vanish, we need to begin gathering information now. Particular attention should be paid to investigating unseemly rumors regarding Dr. Jonas's personal life. And since miracle cures are another requirement, we need to be able to separate any possible medical miracles from the usual cheap hype that is always being issued by chief University Hospital mouthpiece Ms. Jennifer Deveraux. Your able assistance on these matters would be most appreciated.

+ W. W. Wright
The Most Rev. W. W. Wright
Bishop of Salem

P.S., please tell Eric Brady to stop sitting in the Town Square wearing ashes and sackcloth.
 
To: Mr. Shawn Brady
From: Black Patch Investigations, LLC

Thank you for your inquiry about having Black Patch investigate the nature of your estranged wife, Belle's, relationship with shaggy sleaze, Philip Kiriakis, and the full extent of her extravagant spending. Unfortunately, both of our partners are currently unavailable. Contrary to rumor, Mr. John Black is not in another coma. Instead, he's busy trying to destroy the school for youthful assassins that helped deprive him of his past. And at the moment, our other partner, Mr. Steven Johnson, having been thoroughly outsmarted by an old nemesis, is engaged in a possibly futile quest to find a child that may or may not be his and may or may not exist. At the moment, we cannot estimate when Black Patch will be able to accept clients. At this time, may we suggest that you contact any one of the following accomplished professional private investigators: Nancy Drew, Hercule Poirot, Ellery Queen, Thomas Magnum, Spenser, Jim Rockford, Sam Spade, or Sunny Randall.
 
To: Purchasing Manager, St. Francis Hospital of Salem
From: DJ-Wear

No, we will not be marketing low-cut, see-thru, drool-resistant designer hospital gowns. Your tasteless inquiry reflects certain ugly, hateful, hurtful rumors regarding the personal proclivities of the late, super-wonderful Dr. Daniel Jonas. We are not amused.
 
Dear Ms. Brady,

Thank you for your inquiry about rendering your home totally secure. After inspecting your premises, we recommend perimeter sensors and a sophisticated interior alarm system. Since your security concerns center on Andre DiMera, we also strongly recommend a secure panic room, high-strength exterior doors and door frames, pick-proof door locks, security glass capable of stopping bullets from heavy machine-guns for all windows, a spying-device sweep, a tunneling detector, a special lunatic detector, and total fireproofing. Our estimate is enclosed.

Sincerely,
Salem Home Security, Inc.
 
Dear Mr. Kiriakis,

It has come to our attention that you wish to usher your treacherous younger brother, Deimos Kiriakis, into eternity. We've also learned that your current hired killer is a hopeless incompetent as was the man you once sent to terminate Mr. Clyde Weston with extreme prejudice. Well, your worries are over. Contact Winterthorne Academy today for a resourceful, talented, fearless, skilled assassin. Results are guaranteed. Remember, our motto is "No kill, no bill."

Sincerely,
Winterthorne Academy, PC
 
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