Letters to Salemites

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Dear Ms. Larson (or may I call you Eve),

Word has been received thru the prison grapevine that you tried to poison some woman whom you hate. (We hear about everything here at State Prison.) Take it from me, it never works. I tried it several years ago on some ignorant lout. The poison worked, but my plan failed dismally. Since I'm imprisoned for crimes committed against the DiMeras (for which I should have been thanked), I expect to be pardoned soon. When that happens, perhaps you'd like to get together for some romantic encounters. I'm sure you'll find a refined, silver-haired gent such as myself far more interesting at bedtime than some callow college kid. I'm very skilled. Just ask Kate Roberts.

Love,
Ian McAllister, Inmate # 20105553468
 
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Dear Ms. Donovan,

It has come to my attention that you had members of the ER staff put a cast on one of your legs today despite the fact that it wasn't broken. Our staff is too busy with persons who are really sick or injured to be wasting their time assisting you in what appears to be a ploy to gain sympathy and avoid coming to work. Your conduct today was highly unprofessional and, quite frankly, nonsensical. Hospital Administrator Burns and your immediate supervisor, Anne Milbauer, the head of Human Resources, will be informed of your actions immediately,

Dr. Patche M. Uppe
Chief of the Division of Emergency Medicine
Salem University Hospital
 
Dear Mr. Burns,

I have learned that University Hospital's H.R. head, Anne Milbauer, and an E.R. staff member, Dr. Lee, assisted Theresa Donovan, the mother of my infant son, in faking a broken ankle so she could avoid being evicted from the Kiriakis mansion. Their conduct is outrageous and as a hospital trustee and major donor, I demand that they both be terminated immediately.

Yours truly,
Brady Black

Dear Mr. Black,

I can understand why you are outraged at Ms. Milbauer's and Dr. Lee's conduct, but it was actually not beneath the level of behavior that we expect from our employees. Consider that our P.R. director rarely comes to work, our best surgeon visibly drools at the sight of attractive women dressed in hospital gowns and reportedly has engaged in sexual activity in his office, staff rarely follow proper medical procedures, and numerous employees have had trysts in broom closets while on duty. Also keep in mind that if we fired Ms. Milbauer and Dr. Lee, the only available replacements would be far worse. The most qualified applicants take positions in Chicago or at what many call Salem's "real hospital," St. Francis.

Sincerely,
Byrnes B. Burns
Chief Administrator, Salem University Hospital
 
Dear Mr. Kiriakis,

Since you left, your husband, Will Horton, has been crying loudly, banging his head against the walls, yelling threats against somebody named Paul, and even going out in the courtyard to bay at the moon like some kind of American werewolf in Salem. The neighbors are now complaining constantly and the lady downstairs is worried that your husband's river of tears is going to start dripping through her ceiling. I've tried to speak to Mr. Horton about this several times, but he's completely incoherent. Please contact your husband immediately about correcting his behavior or I may have to start eviction proceedings.

Your landlord,
Rennte M. Outte
 
Dear Mr. Jennings,

I've just suffered a legal outrage. The other day I was served in a ridiculous lawsuit, had to get to court almost immediately, got no time to hire an attorney or prepare a defense, and then was slapped with a huge judgment against me. This is crazy! Is there anything that I can do to straighten this out? Please say yes because I'm currently drinking with a handsome rich guy and am getting drunker by the minute.

Bluebird

Dear Bluebird,

If you were sued by a DiMera, I'd say that the judge was paid off. Or he/she could have been a graduate of Salem University School of Law whose graduates are more ignorant of all things legal than the drunks over at Club TBD. Sadly, there's nothing to be done. This is Salem where even in the courtroom down is up and up is down. Things that happen here are so strange that in comparison the the world of the Mad Hatter, the Queen of Hearts and the Cheshire Cat seems very normal. Gotta go, I've got my own "only-in-Salem" problems to attend to.

Good luck and try not to fall off the barstool,

Aiden Jennings, Esq.
 
Dear Mr. Kiriakis,

I was thrilled to learn of your appointment as district attorney. At last, the post will be filled by someone who will strike terror into the many criminals who afflict Salem. Since you will be looking for new, more capable ADAs, I am writing to express interest in joining your crack team of prosecutors. As you may recall, I am well versed in criminal law, having successfully defended the wonderful John Black against foul charges that he had looted his company's pension funds. Another area where I have expertise is lost-cat law, which is important because so many wandering Salem felines eventually turn to crime. I'm also looking forward to working again with the Salem P.D.'s top detective, Rafael Hernandez. During may last stay in Salem, Detective Hernandez and I had an intimate working relationship, if you catch my meaning. I look forward to your reply.

Carrie Reed, Esq.

P.S., don't believe anything my hateful, doody-head sister may say about me.
 
Dear Doody-Head sister,

John Black IS NOT wonderful. He ruined my life! And he ruined my son's life by having a son out of wedlock with that stoopid Lori, Snori, Tori or whatever her name is.

PS: Rafe still belongs to me and don't you forget it. Lucas, too. But you can keep that dumb snooore-fest you call a husband.

Sami Brady-DiMera, a/k/a/ the Greatest Mother of Salem
 
Dear Sami,

For the record, I am not a snoozefest. I have it on good authority that before she showered with EJ, Abigail Deveraux was hot for me. She even followed me to the Green Mountain Inn where I was trysting with Carrie. Speaking of Carrie, I do have a question. Was she lusting after Rafe?? I noticed that when she saw him she would start to drool and then acted like a female cat in heat.

Cheers, Austin

P.S., I use Truly Radiant mouthwash. The smell of it keeps the Zurich locals at bay.
 
Dear Commissioner Brady,

I've read about your city's necktie stranglings on the Salem Spectator website. What you need is an expert forensic pathologist, like me, to examine the victims. I've been on the shelf since my TV show, Quincy, M.E., went off the air thirty years ago, but my remarkable skills are as sharp as ever. Say the word, and I'm on my way. Also, as you may recall, I'm an older gent who likes the company of younger women. If you could put a good word in for me with Jeannie Theresa Donovan, Abigail Deveraux, or that college cutie, Daphne, it would be most appreciated.

Yours truly, Dr. Quincy, M.E., San Francisco, CA

Dear Commissioner Brady,

I've learned about your shocking necktie murders through my favorite London tabloids. These horrid crimes have all the earmarks of a plot furthered by a crazed international criminal mastermind. I'm currently between assignments and would be glad to lend you a hand. I also understand that since the tragic death of EJ DiMera, Salem is fresh out of handsome, virile men with English accents. This means that I could not only end your wave of dastardly murders, but also bring joy to the young hotties of Salem.

Cheers, James Bond (007), London, UK
 
Dear Mr. Jennings,

According to the prison grapevine, we have a few things in common -- admiration for Hope Brady and an addiction to gambling. The word also is that you're in hock to some nasty people who won't take no for an answer. When I had a similar problem, I developed a drug that fooled some homicidal DiMera thugs into thinking that I was dead. If you can help me get out of here, I will show my appreciation by whipping up a batch for you, which you could then use if things get really ugly. Best regards to Hope.

Your pal,
Dr. Richard Baker
 
Dear Dr. Johnson,

Several students have passed along the rumor that your newly-enrolled son, Joseph, who was just suspended for fighting, will not return to Salem High School, and plans to become a permanent truant. I usually never say this to a parent, but we are hoping that this is true. After only one day, your son had the teachers feeling nostalgic about several recent graduates: tree vandal Cole Hines, drug-dealing JJ Deveraux, Daphne the vicious gossip, and Rory, the good-natured stoner who went through school in a haze of marijuana smoke.

Yours truly,
Learned M. Goode
Principal, Salem High School
 
To: Most Reverend Wright, D.D., Bishop of Salem
From: Papal Correspondence Office

Thank you for your invitation to Pope Francis to visit your diocese and say Mass at St. Stefano's Cathedral. Unfortunately, His Holiness is already completely scheduled during his current visit to the United States and and cannot take the time to visit Salem. We also note that if His Holiness visits your country again, it would be most inappropriate for him to visit Salem. Your cathedral was paid for with donations made by an infamous career criminal, and your city's leading citizens lead such immoral lives that it's a miracle that Salem has not suffered the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah. In closing, may we suggest that you encourage all Salem Catholics to regularly attend one of your fine parish churches -- not just for weddings and funerals -- and urge them not to live lives, which are ruled by their basest urges.
 
Dear Mr. Kiriakis,

I am most disappointed by your office's handling of the horrid necktie killer case. Your insistence that Chadsworth DiMera is the culprit is outrageous. How dare you point the finger of blame at a member of Salem's moneyed classes. Instead, you should be scouring our city's horrid clubs, which is where the kind of pervert who would commit these awful crimes spends time or works. You should also put your faith in the wonderful, brilliant Commissioner Roman Brady whose law enforcement skills know no bounds. In closing, be advised that because of your ill-advised conduct you will not be invited to my autumn tea dance or to speak at any of the monthly meetings of the prestigious Salem Women's Club.

Angrily yours,
Giselle van Hopper
Trustee, Salem University; President, Salem Philharmonic Support Group; President, Salem Women's Club; President, St. Luke's Parish Benefactor's Club; Chairperson, Salem Christmas Cotillion Committee; President, Salem Improvement Society; President, Friends of the Salem Art Museum; President, Salem Horticultural Society; President, Roman Brady Admiration Society
 
Dear Mr. Weston,

Thank you for your recent purchase of a large, draw-string duffel bag. Please be assured that we are always here, ready to provide for your future duffel bag needs.

Your Salem Walmart

Dear Mr. Weston,

We really appreciated your recent purchase of a half-dozen, identical, red, patterned ties. Please be advised that we have just received a special shipment of fine ties of a similar pattern, which may be of interest to you. Remember, a well-dressed Salem man can never have too many ties.

Sam's Salem Tie City

Dear Mr. Weston,

In answer to your recent questions: 1) fingerprints are left on the inside of latex gloves, 2) certain types of bleach can destroy DNA evidence, 3) the image of a murderer cannot be revealed by photographing the retinas of a victim through a technique known as forensic optography, and 4) the police often can ascertain if a murder victim has been moved from the scene of a crime.

Online Reference Service
Salem Public Library
 
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